I relate to your experience with ADHD, and I had a similar experience when COVID hit. I was originally diagnosed in my childhood but denied it or otherwise forgot about it (how ADHD of me). I looked into it again around 2021 and suddenly my problems with emotional regulation, forgetfulness and acute procrastination made sense It's so incredibly frustrating seeing my family try and support me but I just repeatedly squander it over and over again. One day I'll be putting things back together before it that disorganization and distraction manifests itself and I've wasted innumerable hours on some dopamine rush. I'm sick of trying, I'm sick of attempting to rebuild my life each week before I just get depressed and demotivated. I've tried an assortment of medications, but they only cover up a deeper neuronal defect in my brain. I hate feeling doped up on antidepressants and stimulants all the time - it just feels unnatural. I don't even feel like an adult, I honestly just feel like my organizational skills are that of a 15 year old. Don't get me started on rejection sensitive dysphoria, inability to follow social cues and the like - it fucking sucks.
Have you had any luck looking at Tor markets for SN?
Ha! Rejection Sensitivity was a revelation. Also, a gender specific associated syndrome, amongst others. Explained so very much about me. Ritalin worked for me when I was first diagnosed - I was too scared to tell anyone except my then partner - life started turning around & I had hope for the first time ever - I could see a new & better life, where I could maybe overcome all the obstacles in my way (that's me, I'm the obstacle! Ha, also the goddamn ADHD…) And then, when I actually got Covid, I was barely sick at all, a bit worse than a cold, way way better than the flu, but the Ritalin mysteriously stopped working. My psych had no idea, my autoimmune doctor no idea, but atypical & idiosyncratic reactions to meds are super common in my family & it was just written off as that. Came off Ritalin, started another med, & it's just not the same. I never understood why I had paper clutter endlessly surrounding me, why my surfaces were never clear, all of that. And in the blessed period with Ritalin, the paper disappeared, the hoarding disappeared, every surface was like a Marie Kondo fucking ad & I loved it & was proud of it & really felt that between the meds & understanding myself, that things would change. And now, I can't tell you about the clutter everywhere, the started but not finished things & the paper. So much paper. And phone notes. One right after the other. And another. And then some more. To do lists written & discarded. It's the relationship with paper that I knew I was improving with Ritalin, it's why I knew the Ritalin stopped working & why I know the new meds are bullshit. It's so very painful to have something & lose it. It's so very painful to recognise things you want to change but are powerless to change. That I'm not the boss of it. That trying isn't enough. All of it. And for a disease / disorder I legit didn't know was real - when my autoimmune doc said "it sounds like you have ADHD", I said "is that even a thing?"
And when I told my ex, they said word for word the same thing. Oh, the fucking ignorance! The obliviousness! And then to learn about it, & realise that it's entwined so thoroughly through my life & behaviour that I can barely see what is left of me outside of it. Things I thought were my personality, things I thought were my failings, things that were clearly masking & overcompensating behaviours - like I spent my whole work life with jazz hands showing what I was achieving to cover up what I wasn't.
It's been a lot. But my decision to CTB is outside of that. Or at least the life I had being diagnosed so late - if I'd been younger, there just might have been a chance for me… who knows???
But to your actual question (FFS, so sorry…), it's a no to the Tor question. I don't know anything about it.
I have a few major obstacles in this process (outside of the ADHD, the autoimmune disease & being extremely time poor & with a looming deadline)
1 being that I am a tech newbie & have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, none. None.
2 I'm currently still sharing a house with my ex (it is so far from ideal, but there is literally no other option right now & I need to still be with my pets) - the ex is ultra tech savvy, like build your own computer for fun kinda person, plus is super super super well known for digital snooping (coercive control, the whole works) - my only access to desktops is at work or shared with the ex - I don't know what to be looking for in terms of programs they may have installed or mistakes I might make - it's taken me forever just to get my own Apple ID, an email account the ex doesn't know about, figuring out what a vpn is & how to get one & use it…. And then being limited to just using the goddamn iPhone. I feel like it'll take me years to scroll through all the necessary info, when it could be so much quicker on a desktop. And the slow tap tap tap compared to touch typing!!!
But I just want to do this once (CTB) & succeed & I'm just too scared I'll leave a trail. The ex wouldn't be fussed if I CTB'd, they have a parent that's a narcissist & I've been very slow to work out that the ex is too - there's something missing where empathy should be - but I am very concerned, beyond concerned, terrified, shaking in my boots, keeping me up at night & a steady stream of wee running down my leg (the last one not literally!) the sneaky or shitty things they could do - have me sectioned for being suicidal, jailed for illegal substances, find the substance & replace it with something else, blackmail me or family members, tell my boss - I don't think there's a bottom they wouldn't stoop to, that they might actually enjoy the revenge. Or just the sport of it, like a cat toying with a mouse - I just can't chance it.
So any advice you have, on absolutely fucking anything that could help me, please chuck it my way. I don't actually know anything about Tor & such. Despite the adhd, I was a ridiculously good student with a photographic memory (brain is completely fried now though, like utterly fried, can't remember anything for longer than a goldfish). So on top of everything else, this is the first time I've felt so much of a complete dumbarse. That this is too hard for me. That it's outside my skill set. That I'll never achieve it.
And that makes me feel desperate & desperate people are stupid, they make mistakes. I wanna make informed decisions, do this once, do this right, do this soon & have it all behind me.
It's not just time, it's past time.
And I just need help with all the logistics so I don't fail by just taking all the pills in front of me & ending up brain dead or in hospital.
I. Just. Can't. Fail. At. This
