accidental attempt scared me

[lotus-flowers]

My apologies as I'm relatively new to this forum, but I've lurked on it for a long time. I've been struggling with pretty constant suicidal thoughts after something that happened a few years back.

Something just happened that really scared me. I've attempted partial hanging a few times without ever being able to lose consciousness. I've thought about full suspension hanging, but it terrified me.

My suicidal thoughts got really bad this evening. I've had rope stored away for a long time. On a whim, I wanted to see if I could prepare myself for full hanging. I wedged the rope into my closed door and it didn't budge (I didn't tie the rope to the doorknob, because I wasn't actually planning on hanging myself.) I tied a slip knot on the other end, and adjusted the rope so that it was near the top of the door. I had a small step stool I was standing on. I padded the rope with a small cloth, and put my head into it. All I remember is gently leaning down and shuffling my feet off the step stool to see if the rope would hold my weight.

The next thing I remember, I was on the floor. I was extremely disoriented. I could hear music playing and had no idea where it was coming from (I had music playing on my phone before passing out, so it was that.) I felt so confused, and then I realized I was slowly choking for some reason. I looked down and the slip knot was still tight around my neck and then I finally realized what was happening. I loosened it very quickly, and looked back and saw that my door had opened (it has one of the long handles instead of a knob, so it's very easy to open.) Either the force of my weight opened the door or I accidentally hit the handle with my body somehow. All I know is I ended up on the floor, the step stool was kicked away from me, the door was opened and the rope became slack because it wasn't fastened to anything on the other side. I believe I was only out for a few seconds.

If I had planned this out and used the proper materials, the outcome may have been different. I am just very grateful I didn't do serious damage to myself.

I'm unsure how to feel. All I can say is be careful if you are going to test something like this. I didn't think I would pass out, because I was never able to with partial hanging. Something different happened tonight. I don't know if I will ever do that again.

Some part of me is terrified and some part of me feels relief. I do have a red mark around my neck but it is slowly fading. There are a couple of tiny dots that look like broken blood vessels.

Anyways, thank you for reading this. I'm judging myself a lot for being that reckless, so please try to hold back any more judgement if possible. I am still very shaken up. Take care everyone

 

[BloomingStrella]

I can't even begin to imagine how scary that must have been. Imagine if you had accidentally killed yourself. Try not to let anyone see that mark, because everyone could make their own version and exaggerate on what it was that caused you it. A failed suicide attempt is super scary, but an accidental suicide attempt has to be terrifying. You should probably be more careful next time, so you don't accidentally die before you feel ready.

 

[MidnightDream]

Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of bravery to share what you went through, and this is something that should be shouted from the rooftops. Suicide methods are exactly that - and everyone should be incredibly careful with them if they aren't ready to go. You shouldn't judge yourself though, I think we've all been in a position where we let our thoughts take us a little bit too close to the edge before we're truly ready.

 

[MildlyBetter]

I can't imagine accidentally killing yourself, it's good that you're okay. People dying before they are ready is a horrible thing.

 

[Unending]

That sounds really terrifying. I'm glad you're okay and would be freaked the hell out too.

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly must be a relief to not end up with damage from failing, the thought of suicide failing with damage certainly is something that is horrific to me. I just see it as being cruel how as humans we are denied the options of more reliable ways to leave but anyway I wish you the best, it really does sound scary what you went through, I've never attempted hanging at all because of the fear of it going wrong.