DearMe
Let’s have tea together.
- Nov 6, 2023
- 33
I dropped every responsibility I had for about three months. I mostly stayed at my house and often wandered around outside from time to time. My mental illness has consumed me. I felt the need to shut down everything. I just can't handle the things I've been given.
Everyone around me was usually worried and angry about me. I keep hearing their voices without the need to pick up their calls. When I met my parents recently, they sounded abnormally calm - as if they didn't get angry when they heard about my absence from work a few weeks ago. I felt even more tense when they reacted like that. I know it's my fault and I would never take it back. I know they would never understand my mental health and consider me a failure already. I could also never understand them the same way either.
If I reached out to them - nothing would change. I've lost motivation to move forward, but I keep having déjà vu that I will still live. I don't know if the people around me know what's happening, but they decided to slowly accept my loss of doing everything. I realised no one could help me anymore.
Tbh, I feel happy at the same time because this was literally a plan to detach any emotional connection that progressed over six years. My mental health has gotten worse than my physical health since then. I have a relatively strong body.
The people's indifference to my changes overtime has given me fear and relief. Does this mean I can die without them caring anymore? Do I even need to write letters at this point? It's nerve-wracking when I'm almost there on my deathbed.
Everyone around me was usually worried and angry about me. I keep hearing their voices without the need to pick up their calls. When I met my parents recently, they sounded abnormally calm - as if they didn't get angry when they heard about my absence from work a few weeks ago. I felt even more tense when they reacted like that. I know it's my fault and I would never take it back. I know they would never understand my mental health and consider me a failure already. I could also never understand them the same way either.
If I reached out to them - nothing would change. I've lost motivation to move forward, but I keep having déjà vu that I will still live. I don't know if the people around me know what's happening, but they decided to slowly accept my loss of doing everything. I realised no one could help me anymore.
Tbh, I feel happy at the same time because this was literally a plan to detach any emotional connection that progressed over six years. My mental health has gotten worse than my physical health since then. I have a relatively strong body.
The people's indifference to my changes overtime has given me fear and relief. Does this mean I can die without them caring anymore? Do I even need to write letters at this point? It's nerve-wracking when I'm almost there on my deathbed.
