Abusive boyfriend, toxic relationship

[lifteddream]

I don't know what to do. I don't have anywhere to go besides women's shelters and I am the opposite of street smart. The last time I was in a shelter I was beat up and all my stuff was stolen. The people working there don't care. I thought I could turn to my mom now but she's so emotionally volatile and just shut me out.

My boyfriend just climbed on top of me and choked me. I scratched him to get him off. Of course I have no marks on my neck and he has scratches that are bleeding. I don't want to be in this dynamic anymore it hurts my soul

I don't have anywhere to turn and he put me down quite a bit. Since I met him my life became a strange fever dream revolving between paradise and nightmare. And I'm at the center of everything good and bad. I'm ashamed to exist. He cut pieces of me off, telling me how weird or evil or abnormal I am, until there's very little left.

I know from his perspective I've hurt him and am a monster.

I don't have a job or any money saved. This is such a departure from the person I was before I met him. I used to be independent

Is anyone out there in similar toxic relationship or gotten out of one?? Any suggestions??
Btw if any girl/gay is in the NYC area and wants to party I'm totally down. I don't have much experience with the party scene; it's been my dream since 16 but protective bfs prevented that (them being "protective" + being threatened it seems :( I just want to be happy)

 

[U. A.]

I wish I had something useful to say but don't. There must be some better community support in Nyc. i'm a little drunk so not too sharp to look rn but maybe after i eat something.
i'm so fucking sorry.

edit: would any of this be useful at all? (specifically tried to search the mutual aid stream caiuse it tends to be better than standard "shelter" network though i don't know about the shelters listed there...)

Mutual Aid NYC

A community-sourced library of resources for New Yorkers

resources.mutualaid.nyc