Here is a list of something I noticed from abusers. If anyone can think of any, it will be helpful to add them.
I wished to share them in case anyone else is going through this cycle, and can leave it in advance before it gets worse.
There is a particular habit among abusers I noticed they do first; They smile, and playfully laugh when insulting you.
This can easily be confused for banter. Its never obvious. You may not even notice it yourself until later. They'll mention subjects they know hurt you. Attacking insecurities. Or remarks to make you uncomfortable. Its never direct, but becomes more egregious with time.
1. They will force you to expose your insecurities for their amusement. It puts you in a difficult situation because if you react, everyone will view you as the aggressor. If someone attacks something that applies to you as well, do not trust them. If they know you, its intentional.
Stuttering is specifically brought up to express future points. Stuttering is often seen as a vulnerability. It makes it difficult to retort with equally aggressive combacks due to the speech impediment. An abuser knows this and they intend to use it in the future. They will intentonally cause a verbal alterication between you and them, and they will be more likely to verbally eviserate you.
2. They will disrespect you unprovoked. They will get those you confided in to reveal personal details about you. And then at your expense, bring it up.
3. They will coerce you into things that make you uncomfortable. They will see how everyone reacts. The reality of those of us who were traumatized is that we will attract more people who seek the hurt us. There is something about how we respond in particular that abusers pick up on. They will single you out as an easy victim. Especially if they have comfirmation.
They will make you do shitty things. In fear of losing these attachments, you do what they want you do to. And then, exclusively lay the blame on you for doing so.
If you fight back against this, the abuser and their associates will always make sure their are consequences for doing so. Rage and anger being directed to you until you submit. They have already cemented themselves in the social circle. If they are forcing people to do things they otherwise wouldn't do, they have already built the social currency to enforce their will despite how wrong it may be. It is unlikely anyone will call them out. Either of fear of being rejected, and targetted. Or because they enjoy it too.
4. They will push you to emotional reactions. And from those reactions use them as a way to discredit or embarrass you in front of others.
5. They will turn everyone against you. Due to your emotional reactions you are seen as lesser. People judge those who are seen as emotional or irrational. Especially if they do not have a full picture of what has been occuring.
You can't befriend your abuser. The others are not your friend anymore. You can find new friends. And even if you do not believe so, you are better off alone than with those who hurt you.
I wished to share them in case anyone else is going through this cycle, and can leave it in advance before it gets worse.
There is a particular habit among abusers I noticed they do first; They smile, and playfully laugh when insulting you.
This can easily be confused for banter. Its never obvious. You may not even notice it yourself until later. They'll mention subjects they know hurt you. Attacking insecurities. Or remarks to make you uncomfortable. Its never direct, but becomes more egregious with time.
1. They will force you to expose your insecurities for their amusement. It puts you in a difficult situation because if you react, everyone will view you as the aggressor. If someone attacks something that applies to you as well, do not trust them. If they know you, its intentional.
IE: You have a stutter. An abuser might make the assessment you are self conscious about your speech impediment. They will guide conversation in ways to get you to say words, vowels, or letter you struggle with. If they get an indication you are uncomfortable they will continue to do it. If you tell them to stop you will be seen as being dramatic and sensitive.
2. They will disrespect you unprovoked. They will get those you confided in to reveal personal details about you. And then at your expense, bring it up.
IE: You was the victim of some form of trauma. This yet to be abuser has found out via others about your history. You do not know this. They bring up general trauma in a seemingly natural way. A plot in a movie, some recent research they have done, etc. They will then get into uncomfortable specifics. Never so specific to where is obvious. This is unless they turned this former confidant against you. Which, they will.
3. They will coerce you into things that make you uncomfortable. They will see how everyone reacts. The reality of those of us who were traumatized is that we will attract more people who seek the hurt us. There is something about how we respond in particular that abusers pick up on. They will single you out as an easy victim. Especially if they have comfirmation.
They will make you do shitty things. In fear of losing these attachments, you do what they want you do to. And then, exclusively lay the blame on you for doing so.
IE: Forced to participate in bullying. They are bullying someone who has been through the same trauma as you. They are bullying them because they have a speech impediment or disability, and you do too. There is tension in the air, everyone is waiting to see how you'll react. At this point its ingrained in you that if you do not act as they wish, you will be their target instead. And in your case, they have personal things about you to weaponize. You make the choice to fit in, even if you never truely could.
4. They will push you to emotional reactions. And from those reactions use them as a way to discredit or embarrass you in front of others.
IE: They were attacking you for a long time. Even if you can not pinpoint it, you get an intense negative emotion when dealing with them. This leads to a confrontation. They will either verbally attack you, use personal things against you, or dismiss everything as you misrepresenting them. It can be harder to fight back against this if you have speech impediments or other conditions that affect the ability to express yourself. They will say your anger comes from another place, and usually its in some way that degrades you.
5. They will turn everyone against you. Due to your emotional reactions you are seen as lesser. People judge those who are seen as emotional or irrational. Especially if they do not have a full picture of what has been occuring.
IE: Everyone in your once stable friend group is becoming more and more passive aggressive. You have no idea why. You confront them. They attack, shame, and embarass you. They bring up things they should have never known. They attack you on insecurities that were formerly off limits. Everyone you thought were your friends watch, or join in. All those efforts to maintain those you cared about in your life has only caused suffering.
You can't befriend your abuser. The others are not your friend anymore. You can find new friends. And even if you do not believe so, you are better off alone than with those who hurt you.
