I am suicidal still but I am trying. Good developments have happened in my life recently and it is something to celebrate, I wanted to rant a little.
This is something I heard before, mostly in Dr. K videos(if you don't know him, he is a psychiatrist streamer, I think he is very insightful and enjoy his content). I was listening to him today and he mentioned this phenomenon again. A person who was physically/sexually/emotionally abused in relationships before ends up in a healthy relationship with a gentle, warm, empathetic, respectful person. They get overwhelmed and anxious and don't understand what the hell this person is going to do or what their motive is, it scares them on this instinctual level. If they haven't been getting help with their trauma they might even leave or sabotage it.
Earlier this year before I joined SS I ended up making an account for reddit and posting on this domestic violence subreddit. It was my first time telling my story in so much detail, and they said this story was pretty bad and that I needed therapy/support. Until then it was something I just kind of kept to myself and mentioned to my best friend sometimes. Later this year, still prior to joining SS I saw that my school was offering therapy services through our tuition, so I took advantage and got hooked up with a psychologist who specializes in traumatic events. When I told my story she said that I'm lucky to be alive and that I'm describing a very extreme and unwell person. It feels like such a blur and I have this inability to see it as extreme as others seem to, I think I was so hollow and shutdown back then that I've never processed it as quite that bad. I got diagnosed with PTSD. Up until then I didn't think I lived through anything that would give me that. In retrospect it makes sense. Maybe because of SJW anti-tumbr memes during the 2014-2016 era of the internet, it never occurred to me that I was actually getting triggered by things. Certain topics would make me seize up and make my heart race, when my dad tried to wake me up for something in the morning I woke up screaming from being touched, when a girl at work grabbed my shoulders from behind I involuntarily screamed, but I didn't think any of this was a symptom of anything. I just thought I was weird and bad and stupid. I guess it felt liberating being diagnosed because it made sense of a lot of behaviors that had no explanation before.
Anyways, I felt a lot of relief but I was pretty suicidal this year. I still feel suicidal pretty often. I joined SS and started posting. I eventually broke and told my best friend how I had suicidal intent, and we both agreed I could wait some more time and that if things are still painful 3 or 4 years from now that my method wouldn't go anywhere. It was because she was venting to me about this guy threatening her with suicide and trying to manipulate her over something very petty. As she was venting she said "if someone I care about was feeling suicidal I would really want them to feel they could tell me". I felt guilty about that sentence for some weeks and told her, which prompted our discussion.
In the beginning of October I met this person I instantly clicked with. There was this strange feeling with how easily we connected socially, as if I was reconnecting with an old friend rather than meeting someone new. Within a few weeks we had crushes on each other, we were talking more and spending most of our free time together. I was not actively looking for love when we met, but I really wanted it again. We came to want a relationship together and so now we are in one. We agreed to take it slow, I talked about my baggage and we both agreed we did not want codependence or a savior relationship, we wanted something normal and healthy. What was bothering me was that phenomenon I heard about in those previous mentioned videos is happening, where I am being treated with all this basic respect and kindness that it is terrifying me. I keep getting treated so well and feeling unsettled by it. This treatment is what I've wanted so badly my whole life but unfamiliar territory is scary at first. I keep wondering if a bad person is lurking underneath and this is all a ploy, but there is nothing that would indicate that. I am in my late 20s and this might be my first healthy relationship, and I am happy about this. I feel so fortunate and lucky.
This is something I heard before, mostly in Dr. K videos(if you don't know him, he is a psychiatrist streamer, I think he is very insightful and enjoy his content). I was listening to him today and he mentioned this phenomenon again. A person who was physically/sexually/emotionally abused in relationships before ends up in a healthy relationship with a gentle, warm, empathetic, respectful person. They get overwhelmed and anxious and don't understand what the hell this person is going to do or what their motive is, it scares them on this instinctual level. If they haven't been getting help with their trauma they might even leave or sabotage it.
Earlier this year before I joined SS I ended up making an account for reddit and posting on this domestic violence subreddit. It was my first time telling my story in so much detail, and they said this story was pretty bad and that I needed therapy/support. Until then it was something I just kind of kept to myself and mentioned to my best friend sometimes. Later this year, still prior to joining SS I saw that my school was offering therapy services through our tuition, so I took advantage and got hooked up with a psychologist who specializes in traumatic events. When I told my story she said that I'm lucky to be alive and that I'm describing a very extreme and unwell person. It feels like such a blur and I have this inability to see it as extreme as others seem to, I think I was so hollow and shutdown back then that I've never processed it as quite that bad. I got diagnosed with PTSD. Up until then I didn't think I lived through anything that would give me that. In retrospect it makes sense. Maybe because of SJW anti-tumbr memes during the 2014-2016 era of the internet, it never occurred to me that I was actually getting triggered by things. Certain topics would make me seize up and make my heart race, when my dad tried to wake me up for something in the morning I woke up screaming from being touched, when a girl at work grabbed my shoulders from behind I involuntarily screamed, but I didn't think any of this was a symptom of anything. I just thought I was weird and bad and stupid. I guess it felt liberating being diagnosed because it made sense of a lot of behaviors that had no explanation before.
Anyways, I felt a lot of relief but I was pretty suicidal this year. I still feel suicidal pretty often. I joined SS and started posting. I eventually broke and told my best friend how I had suicidal intent, and we both agreed I could wait some more time and that if things are still painful 3 or 4 years from now that my method wouldn't go anywhere. It was because she was venting to me about this guy threatening her with suicide and trying to manipulate her over something very petty. As she was venting she said "if someone I care about was feeling suicidal I would really want them to feel they could tell me". I felt guilty about that sentence for some weeks and told her, which prompted our discussion.
In the beginning of October I met this person I instantly clicked with. There was this strange feeling with how easily we connected socially, as if I was reconnecting with an old friend rather than meeting someone new. Within a few weeks we had crushes on each other, we were talking more and spending most of our free time together. I was not actively looking for love when we met, but I really wanted it again. We came to want a relationship together and so now we are in one. We agreed to take it slow, I talked about my baggage and we both agreed we did not want codependence or a savior relationship, we wanted something normal and healthy. What was bothering me was that phenomenon I heard about in those previous mentioned videos is happening, where I am being treated with all this basic respect and kindness that it is terrifying me. I keep getting treated so well and feeling unsettled by it. This treatment is what I've wanted so badly my whole life but unfamiliar territory is scary at first. I keep wondering if a bad person is lurking underneath and this is all a ploy, but there is nothing that would indicate that. I am in my late 20s and this might be my first healthy relationship, and I am happy about this. I feel so fortunate and lucky.
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