LOVELYDARKDEEP
will you gnaw off your own leg to escape the trap?
- Mar 20, 2024
- 58
For years, I told myself that CTB was not an option, and it could never possibly be an option. I banned myself from even thinking about it, like training a dog to ignore a high value distraction.
But I've reached the ends of my reserves. And after suffering at all levels, from untreated trauma, to untreatable depression, to an unavoidable medical condition that's left me crippled and in constant pain, trying to find a way to survive as prices rice, my income drops from being physically unable to work, the rejection letters saying that I didn't have a hope of qualifying for federal assistance, get back to work (you lazy faker) - I don't have the energy to balance all of those things as well as all the other daily trivialities that tend to pile up and start getting obnoxious when left unattended.
So, I've changed my mind and finally given myself permission to ctb as soon as I get some final affairs in order. I have an absolutely brilliant little plan that I'm quite proud of engineering. It's all but guaranteed to hitch off flawlessly. In fact, it's almost a bit scavenger hunt-y, with the prize at the end being me. I don't have a good reason for turning it into a scavenger hunt. I think it would be fun, and it might lighten the mood and add some humor by giving us all the chance to laugh at the absurdity of it.
I guess my point is that I'm feeling rather europhoric. I'm going to have one hell of a last year.
But in the end, I'm more giddy at the prospect of the final night. If anything, it feels like it can't come soon enough. I genuinely feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning.
I didn't realize how heavy the burdens I've been carrying have gotten. I didn't realize how exhausted I was until the end came into sight. It feels like hearing your childhood dog had miraculously come back to life, like a passionate engagement, like quitting at a job you hated to accept a better position at a competing company.
It tastes like freedom and victory to me, and I will be counting down the days.
But I've reached the ends of my reserves. And after suffering at all levels, from untreated trauma, to untreatable depression, to an unavoidable medical condition that's left me crippled and in constant pain, trying to find a way to survive as prices rice, my income drops from being physically unable to work, the rejection letters saying that I didn't have a hope of qualifying for federal assistance, get back to work (you lazy faker) - I don't have the energy to balance all of those things as well as all the other daily trivialities that tend to pile up and start getting obnoxious when left unattended.
So, I've changed my mind and finally given myself permission to ctb as soon as I get some final affairs in order. I have an absolutely brilliant little plan that I'm quite proud of engineering. It's all but guaranteed to hitch off flawlessly. In fact, it's almost a bit scavenger hunt-y, with the prize at the end being me. I don't have a good reason for turning it into a scavenger hunt. I think it would be fun, and it might lighten the mood and add some humor by giving us all the chance to laugh at the absurdity of it.
I guess my point is that I'm feeling rather europhoric. I'm going to have one hell of a last year.
But in the end, I'm more giddy at the prospect of the final night. If anything, it feels like it can't come soon enough. I genuinely feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning.
I didn't realize how heavy the burdens I've been carrying have gotten. I didn't realize how exhausted I was until the end came into sight. It feels like hearing your childhood dog had miraculously come back to life, like a passionate engagement, like quitting at a job you hated to accept a better position at a competing company.
It tastes like freedom and victory to me, and I will be counting down the days.
