About to self harm

[annxietty]

This is hard, everything is so hard I feel like I dont want to go through anything at all... My meds are not working, my psychiatrist postponed our consultation 2 months (from June to August), its been a year since I had mental health professionals help me at all, it doesnt matter if Im an urgent patient... I live in constant anxiety, waking up is so horrible, the people I live with are not the easiest to get along... The only med that still has a little effect on me is lorazepam but I have to take a lot more than they told me to take for it to have a strong enough effect, like right now Im writting this and I feel pretty dissociated so Im sorry if this looks like gibberish.
Ive been being mean to people that kinda deserve it lol but I cant help feeling that I need some punishment, I think "fuck them" and then "Im a horrible person" , Im useless, cant go to a big supermarket without having an anxiety attack, asking for money when I should be getting a job, I cant even be mad if they refuse because I should be the one doing things, but Ive been asking for help for so long, the moment I think Im getting better everything goes back to shit, I need help. My sister is going to take me to live with her and her husband and son in another country (where I grew up in) and that should be a big possibility for recovering.
My father asks me "what did I do to you?" and so many emotions and words and memories come so quickly to my head, things I want to say, things I need to say, but a barrier blocks them all, and I just say nothing or dont say anything at all and my mind feels full but empty... Somedays I get asked things like that, and people get irritated because I dont answer...
Well sorry to whoever reads this, Im not high but Im definetly not sober?? lol so Im sorry really.... My mind is dark, I have no comfort right now, maybe one of my mom's hugs could save me right now but she is far from me.... I have scissors but I wont use them I will use cutters, just have to figure out where to cut because its almost sammer I already wear summer clothes, I think I will still do it in my arms maybe also legs, starting to not care who sees my wounds
With summer almost here do you also feel that self harming becomes kinda hard? how you do it?? or you dont care at all??

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Do no self harming! Let me *virtually HUG you* although I'm not your mum. I can feel the pain you must feel but self harming isn't an option at all, as to my opinion. I know very well how it feels, when at first everything looks to be turning pretty good and it's going up, but suddenly sth kicks in and turns all this backwards and a step deeper into the swamp one is already in.

Why did your psychiatrist postpone the appointment? 2 months is so long, are you starting with them or you had regular sessions there?

 

[annxietty]

Do no self harming! Let me *virtually HUG you* although I'm not your mum. I can feel the pain you must feel but self harming isn't an option at all, as to my opinion. I know very well how it feels, when at first everything looks to be turning pretty good and it's going up, but suddenly sth kicks in and turns all this backwards and a step deeper into the swamp one is already in.

Why did your psychiatrist postpone the appointment? 2 months is so long, are you starting with them or you had regular sessions there?

Thank you but already did it, Im a ridiculous person that cant cut deep but I beat myself in my wounded area to feel more pain and get bruises (I looooveeee bruises) its so painful but I really deserve this
I had regular sessions, I was determined a risk patient, one day 1 year ago I stopped being able to contact my psychiatrist, asked my dad to please help me take care of this (im useless) and only now, a year later, he started helping me getting a new psychiatrist (told me he was also going to get me a psychologist to help me, but he lied, he always lies and I cant complain because Im useless) so this is a new psychiatrist, Im moving to another country in less than a month (terrifying lol) and I needed this but my only option is going there and explain my situation but I need help (exit my house makes me want to die so bad and the hospital is far away) to do that...

 

[just_so_done]

I know the feeling when you feel like you're screaming for help and no one does anything. I can feel your pain and i'm so sorry you've had to suffer. As someone who self harms know that it's a coping mechanism. It doesn't make you a ridiculous person, you're trying to survive the best you can. Yes there may be safer options but this should be a judgement free place.

As for summer coming, for years i felt self concious of the scars on my arms but over many many years it didn't both me as much but I also stopped cutting there. If i get to the point where i need to, i usually cut my thighs which is easier to hide even with longer shorts. But right now i've been trying to hold off as much as possible and yeah man punching has helped. I was punching my arm because i liked the way the bruises looked but i had to get bloodwork and was worried they would be concerned so after i let that heal i moved onto my thigh, its more discreet, i get to feel the pain and see the actual effects. If possible i would say next time you get the urge try the punching first before going straight to cutting, it might be enough and if not then you know. Hope you can work things out with a new psychiatrist and supports, you deserve it.