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howlercoaster

howlercoaster

Member
May 27, 2024
26
Its overwhelming needing to make a senseful bigger picture of everything. Whenever i meet someone that likes things im not familiar with, my first impulse is to think about why the person is how they are and sometimes i kinda collapse while "understanding" other realities.

And i am kinda hard on myself sometimes, a lot of people think i am christian cuz the impression i pass is that i am a measured person. But the thing is i just cant accept me consuming certain types of musics, for example, except in moments where i intentionally put myself in situations where i impersonate liking them. If i listen classic music i feel elitist-ish, if i listen to something that mentions sex and parties i feel hedonist.
In these moments i don't let myself free to simply "like" something, i turn the object against me.

This goes from cultural aspects like music to my relationship with others. I have a reasonably structured theory about the reasons why all the people that i interact interact with me, may they like me or not i "calculate" the hows and whys and explain to myself that what they feel for me is explainable, like "hey, she likes you because she vents on you, and you like she cuz she fix things you can't, and the relationship is based on this dynamic". It's simply natural for me today to think that way.
When i was in therapy not much time ago, my therapist said im going against myself, repeating what my mother do to me and herself. I kinda understand this statement, but for me its just logic.

Various implications come from this. Sometimes i don't feel emotions properly and end hiding it behind those thoughts. Sometimes i treat people like im trying to teach them something, and sometimes i treat even myself as if i was teaching me something. The behavior of throwing me into something i fear, for example, often results in me confusing people. and even myself, cuz i started acting on this as a mean to losing the fear of interaction and knowing new things, new people etc. but what happens is i confuse myself even more.

but for me its just logic.
Although not always. The problem with calculating people is that we don't have all the premises. We don't know all the things that build the people you see, and will presume things just with what we know. And as our emotional is probably broken, crisis are given "logic" foundations.

The few people who i shared some of these thoughts view them as "morbid". And i felt that same way a long time ago, but now, as i said, it's natural to think that way. About culture. Sex. Relationships. I'm not a redpill, i can merge redpill with Simone de Beavoir and reach some sad, darwinistic-ish conclusion about men and women. Reach some sad conclusion about me.

Then think about why i thought all this. then think about what is my problem. But there is the idea that i don't have a problem. but if is something in the middle? But, what i do then? Well, lets rationalize some explanation about why i may not necessarily think about this question, and use some stoicism to bring the idea of "not caring about things that i don't control". Nice, but now the next crisis (and i say crisis as an episone of despair, not a rationalization one) i have will bring it all again and im fucked.

I am disgusted of this all. This rollercoaster (ma' name!) of emotions, feelings and thoughts. I wish i could life without those things impacting in the way i interact with people, because i have done and said very bad things in consequence of that.

Fuck thinking. It's cringe.
 
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