FatalSystemError591
{He/They}
- Oct 12, 2020
- 229
The more the days get closer, the more I feel this weird pull of what I feel like is the angel and devil of suicide over my shoulder. That there are now a couple new games that are releasing soon that I would really like to try before I go, but also knowing that the wait to get there is going to do me far more harm than good. I told my therapist that ideation was akin to once seeing a house on a distant island when you looked out to sea, but now it has gotten so close that the concrete house is on top of me with no doors, no windows, and everything locked up so tight I can't get out.
I've decided from my last thread my goodbye note will just be to my girlfriend, and transferring what is left of my money between her and my husband, if only if my intention is for my husband to use it to keep our cat alive. Being polyamorous is a joy when I have multiple romantic partners to worry about. No one else will get a goodbye or anything, just them.
As to you all, I'm planning to write a goodbye thread still. That hasn't changed. In case that it is found that this account is connected to me, at least I can tell my story truthfully somewhere. You all have given me so much these last couple of years and even with so many who have come and gone, I find safety here and always have.
At least to my psychiatrist and therapist it won't be a surprise, I've been talking about increasing symptoms of every single disability I have that has just gotten worse over the years. They probably both have seen it coming.
I still very much hate that it had to come to this but there is no way I can live any kind of fulfilling life. Too many life circumstances for so many years and the outlook has just led to more and more suffering the more I fought to try and be free. 12 years of trying to fight for my life and find better for myself and my childhood started me off on a path to misery that cannot be shaken, physically and mentally.
I still hate that it came to this, that with my birthday approaching I can't even celebrate at all because my deadbeat husband has made the physically and mentally disabled person the only source of income despite this pandemic labeling my work as on and off essential, even though he has had all the capability to find a job immediately and is physically and mentally able to do so. He has had no excuse and yet he has left me to endlessly suffer. Even me telling him repeatedly straight to his face in no uncertain terms of my ideation, how my therapist and psychiatrist know about it, and how I am not going to live to my birthday. He knows it all, doesn't care. Just wants me to suffer. And that's all I'm going to do because I have no money, no skills, my girlfriend recently became unemployed and her father got into an accident so she's taking care of him full time so I can't just move in with her, I don't want to give her a useless disabled person to also take care of, and all of my family is abusive or has severed contact with everyone else so I can't turn to anyone there either.
I'm well and truly stuck except for throwing myself in a psychiatric ward, but even then the last time I went they thought I was so well mannered and not in any "visible" stress so they let me go 12 hours earlier than they were supposed to, and I highly doubt they would hold me to full term again either with this pandemic.
So I have two choices, to suffer more until something else kills me or end my suffering permanently. Trust me I have tried everything I reasonably and safely can with someone like him to get away and even those methods fell through! What a good domestic violence shelter, eh? Couldn't even help a classical psychological, emotional, and financial abuse case when it was right in front of them. I have exhausted every option I can reasonably and safely do, other than to just catch my bus and hope no one stops me when I try to hand in my ticket.
Part of me thinks that maybe before I go I should secretly buy a birthday cake so that I have at least have something small to celebrate as an act of mortal kindness before I give myself the ultimate gift of peace, but I will think about it as my last week ticks on. I'm finally putting the last of everything into place, so it is now the decision of how to spend my last days. Probably just doing nothing special, as that's all my life has ever been quite frankly. And no I'm about 2-3 the age of the demographic of the whiny teenager, random pro-lifer, this isn't someone being melodramatic for attention, my options are 100% gone.
To everyone:
Thanks for being supportive with my right to choose what I do with my shitstorm semblance of a life, because it is nice to have a space where my need to be able to not suffer anymore is heard. The last thread I post will probably be my goodbye, unless I miraculously decide to try to keep subjecting myself to turmoil and torment at the hands of a sociopath who I was tricked into marrying, who won't even bat an eye when he finds me.
I've decided from my last thread my goodbye note will just be to my girlfriend, and transferring what is left of my money between her and my husband, if only if my intention is for my husband to use it to keep our cat alive. Being polyamorous is a joy when I have multiple romantic partners to worry about. No one else will get a goodbye or anything, just them.
As to you all, I'm planning to write a goodbye thread still. That hasn't changed. In case that it is found that this account is connected to me, at least I can tell my story truthfully somewhere. You all have given me so much these last couple of years and even with so many who have come and gone, I find safety here and always have.
At least to my psychiatrist and therapist it won't be a surprise, I've been talking about increasing symptoms of every single disability I have that has just gotten worse over the years. They probably both have seen it coming.
I still very much hate that it had to come to this but there is no way I can live any kind of fulfilling life. Too many life circumstances for so many years and the outlook has just led to more and more suffering the more I fought to try and be free. 12 years of trying to fight for my life and find better for myself and my childhood started me off on a path to misery that cannot be shaken, physically and mentally.
I still hate that it came to this, that with my birthday approaching I can't even celebrate at all because my deadbeat husband has made the physically and mentally disabled person the only source of income despite this pandemic labeling my work as on and off essential, even though he has had all the capability to find a job immediately and is physically and mentally able to do so. He has had no excuse and yet he has left me to endlessly suffer. Even me telling him repeatedly straight to his face in no uncertain terms of my ideation, how my therapist and psychiatrist know about it, and how I am not going to live to my birthday. He knows it all, doesn't care. Just wants me to suffer. And that's all I'm going to do because I have no money, no skills, my girlfriend recently became unemployed and her father got into an accident so she's taking care of him full time so I can't just move in with her, I don't want to give her a useless disabled person to also take care of, and all of my family is abusive or has severed contact with everyone else so I can't turn to anyone there either.
I'm well and truly stuck except for throwing myself in a psychiatric ward, but even then the last time I went they thought I was so well mannered and not in any "visible" stress so they let me go 12 hours earlier than they were supposed to, and I highly doubt they would hold me to full term again either with this pandemic.
So I have two choices, to suffer more until something else kills me or end my suffering permanently. Trust me I have tried everything I reasonably and safely can with someone like him to get away and even those methods fell through! What a good domestic violence shelter, eh? Couldn't even help a classical psychological, emotional, and financial abuse case when it was right in front of them. I have exhausted every option I can reasonably and safely do, other than to just catch my bus and hope no one stops me when I try to hand in my ticket.
Part of me thinks that maybe before I go I should secretly buy a birthday cake so that I have at least have something small to celebrate as an act of mortal kindness before I give myself the ultimate gift of peace, but I will think about it as my last week ticks on. I'm finally putting the last of everything into place, so it is now the decision of how to spend my last days. Probably just doing nothing special, as that's all my life has ever been quite frankly. And no I'm about 2-3 the age of the demographic of the whiny teenager, random pro-lifer, this isn't someone being melodramatic for attention, my options are 100% gone.
To everyone:
Thanks for being supportive with my right to choose what I do with my shitstorm semblance of a life, because it is nice to have a space where my need to be able to not suffer anymore is heard. The last thread I post will probably be my goodbye, unless I miraculously decide to try to keep subjecting myself to turmoil and torment at the hands of a sociopath who I was tricked into marrying, who won't even bat an eye when he finds me.
