Venting abandonment & feelings of emptiness

[TheNatureOfDying]

over the past two months or so, i have been spending time with someone i am very romantically invested in (let's call them Ace). for a while, they reciprocated and we saw each other a lot owing to the fact that we both live in the same part of campus at our university. i enjoyed kissing / holding hands a lot and felt very safe and protected when they held me. i felt like i had finally found someone who could make me feel beautiful and cared for.

a couple days ago, i noticed that this person had been more withdrawn / less affectionate and i began to suspect that they had lost interest in pursuing a relationship. that night Ace and our friends were hanging out in the living room of my dorm, and they stepped outside to go take care of something. i started having thoughts about Ace abandoning me like other people have abandoned me and started feeling overwhelmingly scared and upset. i ran to my room and started sobbing uncontrollably after closing the door.

after a few minutes of this, Ace came back to the dorm and knocked on my door to check on me. i mustered up the strength to let them into the room and continued to cry as they held me. with great difficulty, i explained my fears of abandonment and them losing interest in me. once i had calmed down a bit, they asked if we could talk about us. i knew what was going to happen, and used all my strength to not cry as they told me that they weren't willing to pursue a romantic relationship with me.

i understand the reasons why it would be really hard for the two of us to get into a relationship right now, but hearing it from them destroyed me.

some part of me feels like we could make it work if they were willing to navigate some of the challenging circumstances. another part of me knows that i'm asking for too much, and that it probably wasn't going to work out from the start. either way, the feelings of abandonment and emptiness persist. i don't know how to recover from having my heart and self-image damaged like this and i feel like it's going to be hard for us to be friends because i will keep thinking about what we were and what could have been.

 

[timf]

It sounds like you have a lot of love to give. In years gone by when dating was more like courtship and young people were selecting someone to marry and build a family, the selection process was more drawn out because it was important to get to know someone more completely before making a commitment.

The drawn out process allows for one to see beneath the superficial such as looks, wealth, or popularity to determine deeper qualities such as honesty, compassion, kindness, humor, faithfulness, diligence, and similar values. In today's society most are seeking transient feelings and dating is less about the future than about "now". This is going to be hard for those who give more completely of themselves.

If you have deeper qualities that are more appreciated by someone who also is deeper, you may have to resist the temptation to plunge into something less deep that would result in more abandonment. Sadly, few today are 9nterested in the long term.

 

[TheNatureOfDying]

i feel like it's only gotten worse over these past two days. tonight i started thinking about all the things i would miss about the time we spent together and the things they said to me. i thought someone had finally come to save me from my loneliness. i have been engaging in self-harm even though i know they would be really upset if they knew that. i just don't know of any other way to express this deep frustration i feel. they seem so distant now and i can't stand it. i hate all of this and i just feel so hopeless.

 

[timf]

If you want to build something that lasts, you have to make sure you select materials that can stand the test of time.

Not everyone who shows an interest in you will be able to stand the test of time. You have to be selective. This can require self-discipline. While this sort of discipline is not always easy, it can reduce the times you feel the pain you are feeling now.

Many people use self-harm as a coping strategy. Even now imagining what might have been is also a type of self-harm.

Many people offer themselves to those who show an interest only to be dumped when those who had an initial interest move on to another. Sadly, after the attractiveness of youth fades, one can find that there is no longer those who have an interest. This is why the more traditional seeking of a marriage partner for a life long relationship is advantageous.

Rather than self harm, you might want to invest some time in considering what things you might have noticed that could have warned you that it would not last. If you do not feel your own ability to make good choices, you might ask an older wiser friend to offer their opinion upon meeting someone else. This is the role parents used to play in protecting their children from predators.
.

 

[TheNatureOfDying]

If you want to build something that lasts, you have to make sure you select materials that can stand the test of time.

Not everyone who shows an interest in you will be able to stand the test of time. You have to be selective. This can require self-discipline. While this sort of discipline is not always easy, it can reduce the times you feel the pain you are feeling now.

Many people use self-harm as a coping strategy. Even now imagining what might have been is also a type of self-harm.

Many people offer themselves to those who show an interest only to be dumped when those who had an initial interest move on to another. Sadly, after the attractiveness of youth fades, one can find that there is no longer those who have an interest. This is why the more traditional seeking of a marriage partner for a life long relationship is advantageous.

Rather than self harm, you might want to invest some time in considering what things you might have noticed that could have warned you that it would not last. If you do not feel your own ability to make good choices, you might ask an older wiser friend to offer their opinion upon meeting someone else. This is the role parents used to play in protecting their children from predators.
.

i feel like there are so many barriers to me finding someone who will actually be good for me long term. being lesbian and transgender makes it hard for me to find people who would actually be interested in going out with me, on top of my emotional unavailability / dependence. sometimes i am melancholic and distant and other times i am clingy and anxious. if someone comes in to my life and reciprocates affection, it's hard for me to let go.

i don't really see myself getting in to a long term relationship anytime soon, let alone getting married. having a wife sounds nice but i'm just trying to get through college without dying. i just want a girlfriend who can be emotionally supportive and can help me not die. i have lots of love to give but i'm not sure anyone can handle it.

i don't want to hurt myself and i'm going to try not to. i have a lot of negative emotions that i don't know how to handle or express. i try to talk to my friends about all this but it doesn't really make me feel better. i did some psilocybin mushrooms this week thinking it would help me move past this but i still find myself ruminating on it more than i should. i'm going to try and get out of my room today but it's going to be hard.

 

[anopenwound]

I know what you feel. I'm trans (masc), I'm bi, but especially - I got BPD. I'm a professional when it comes to yearning and looking for clues that someone is gonna leave me. Hunting information that could prove that someone didn't actually love me was a very dysfunctional habit of mine. It's gotten better, even tho it's been incredibly hard.

There's nothing I can say that can take your pain away, I know it better than anyone else. However I can promise you: everything ends. Maybe relationships don't last forever but neither does this pain. Even when it shapes you. Even when it breaks your heart.

It's difficult to take the hit when the hit is so intense, when it has the potential to do such damage. But you're here, you're looking for help and comfort, so please keep on seeking that out - keep on looking for ways to lift yourself off the ground once the pain will stop being so unreasonably bad. We're all rooting for you. Your capacity to love others and to appreciate their presence is immense and so precious. I hope to hear from you again. I'm sending hugs your way.