I think I've relied on the "my mom would be sad" argument too heavily to approach this problem. It doesn't help me, it feels like another restriction and restrictions are part of why I want to ctb, so weirdly it fuels the desire because I want to not have to live in a world where someone else would be affected if I choose to leave it. I made a post earlier about how I wanted to "experiment" with death, and then I thought about an experiment like that going wrong, and how fucked up it would be. Not because anyone would be sad, but because the enlightenment I was looking for wouldn't come, the end result would just be a dead body, and the total waste of everything that makes up that body, the waste of everything its past was building up to, and the waste of its future. It was a really sad image, and I think that's when I realized how other people see suicide from an external perspective. It felt like truth vs fiction. I don't wanna be just a dead body.
I have to find some other approach. I use suicide as a crutch. All I have to do is get past the SI barrier for a few seconds (that extend into infinity when you experience them) and then it's done. I don't have to worry about anything anymore. No one can tell me what to do, no one can artificially inflict suffering on me to make me a certain way. And that's the truth, but it's also a fiction, because the loss that accompanies it is incomprehensible. And it turns out I actually like comprehending things, and you have to be alive to do that. I don't hate myself so much anymore that I think I'm an object who shouldn't exist. Well sometimes I do, but then I think about parts of myself that only I know, and then I think about how someone (me) appreciates my being, and I don't want to lose that thread. And it might sound egotistical, but I don't think the world should lose the thread of someone who acts as a perceiver on its behalf and appreciates itself on its behalf, especially if something might come of it externally. Because I think a lot of people don't get to do that, and that points to systemic problems in how we treat each other and the world "treats" us.
I think I hate death, both in the real sense, but even moreso in the sense of the little deaths we die over time. But I know it'll inevitably happen so I run into this barrier where it's like, you should just do it now while you can still control the circumstances.
I just wish things were different, and I feel like I have no power to make things different.
I have to find some other approach. I use suicide as a crutch. All I have to do is get past the SI barrier for a few seconds (that extend into infinity when you experience them) and then it's done. I don't have to worry about anything anymore. No one can tell me what to do, no one can artificially inflict suffering on me to make me a certain way. And that's the truth, but it's also a fiction, because the loss that accompanies it is incomprehensible. And it turns out I actually like comprehending things, and you have to be alive to do that. I don't hate myself so much anymore that I think I'm an object who shouldn't exist. Well sometimes I do, but then I think about parts of myself that only I know, and then I think about how someone (me) appreciates my being, and I don't want to lose that thread. And it might sound egotistical, but I don't think the world should lose the thread of someone who acts as a perceiver on its behalf and appreciates itself on its behalf, especially if something might come of it externally. Because I think a lot of people don't get to do that, and that points to systemic problems in how we treat each other and the world "treats" us.
I think I hate death, both in the real sense, but even moreso in the sense of the little deaths we die over time. But I know it'll inevitably happen so I run into this barrier where it's like, you should just do it now while you can still control the circumstances.
I just wish things were different, and I feel like I have no power to make things different.
