A week after my attempt. Still The mental torture is unbearable.

[dust-in-the-wind]

I tried partial in the woods last Sat night for hours. I just never lost consciousness. Here I am a week later, nothing has changed except I've been thinking about it more, bad idea! The horrificness of finding my body, police taking pictures of me dead for investigation. Having a loved one have to identify me from a body bag. Being in the morgue naked on a cold steel table. My suicidal urges are high tonight. I had to take xanax to calm down. I'm currently curled up in a ball in my bed with my dog. I don't want to die. I need to die. I am just so mentally ill. I've never heard of anyone being this bad. My brain is so sick. My mom stopped by to check on me today and horrified by what she saw. I look worse than a homeless person. She begged me to take a shower. I just can't do it. She was crying and telling me how many people love me. None of it matters when your brain is this sick. I never imagined mental illness could ever be this bad. I just want to die peacefully in my bed...wishful thinking.
I don't know what I am going to do. I am still here completely tortured every second of the day.

 

[TBONTB]

I wish I could help. Does it help if people sit with you? (Lovely doggo)

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I wish I could help. Does it help if people sit with you? (Lovely doggo)

It doesn't really help because I am so ashamed and such a burden at this point. I feel so guilty what I am doing to my loved ones.

 

[TBONTB]

Well, I'm sorry for your pain. I'll imagine sitting next to your bed and you can imagine having someone there with no guilt or shame. (Since I don't actually know you)

What would you like...a book read, some poems, some music on the radio (best if I don't sing!!)

 

[rs929]

I am going through a depressive episode too. Send you hugs

 

[itsgone2]

So sorry @dust-in-the-wind I know exactly how you feel. We're trapped.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Wishing you well. It's hard to have such conflicting feelings.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Well, I'm sorry for your pain. I'll imagine sitting next to your bed and you can imagine having someone there with no guilt or shame. (Since I don't actually know you)

What would you like...a book read, some poems, some music on the radio (best if I don't sing!!)

Thank you You are too kind. Music is good from the 70's - 90's. I just ordered some ice cream via door dash.

 

[TBONTB]

Thank you You are too kind. Music is good from the 70's - 90's. I just ordered some ice cream via door dash.

That perfect and the 70s to 90s are perfect. With ice cream. Now it's a party.

 

[Fall_Apart]

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. Since partial is also my method, can you describe what you felt while you were trying? How did your SI react? Were you terrified or emotionless at the time?

 

[Firefly.Forest]

I like the idea of the music from the 70's - 90's and the ice cream.

I am so sorry you are going thru all of this and wish I could give you a hug.
I empathize with your feelings of guilt with your loved ones and your frustration at the situation.

 

[Nightfoot]

Severe depression is horrible. It feels like an invisible wall with endless suffering on this side and the rest of the world out of reach on the other. Sorry for your continued suffering. No one deserves to feel this way.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. Since partial is also my method, can you describe what you felt while you were trying? How did your SI react? Were you terrified or emotionless at the time?

t's very scary putting the noose around your neck then getting into position while it tightens up around you. I had it pretty tight and I just closed my eyes and prayed to loose consciousness asap. I kept thinking of all the other people that have done this so I wouldn't chicken out. I would say for me I was more sad than scared though.

 

[madwoman]

I'm sorry for your pain. I can imagine how I'd feel with a failed attempt in this period of my life where I'm very suicidal. Sometimes it's hard to take care of ourselves and it gets exhausting hiding the depression and anxiety. You are not a burden. I always think to myself how much I don't want to be an eeyore if I spend time with someone. There's this space ofc but generally you don't see how other people are suffering too because we do it in silence but you aren't alone. I love ice cream so much, I'm glad you ordered that for yourself :) I've been using uber eats a lot and it's so helpful when you can't summon the energy to make food or go anywhere and it's also mood lifting. Our minds can be very dark and they spiral - maybe watch something to distract yourself if that's something you'd enjoy. Sending love

 

[Nightfoot]

I also wanted to say I also empathize with the guilt you feel because I feel it, too. When my latest episode started my mom insisted that I stay with her. That was eight months ago and I had been okay for four years since my last episode (three years in duration.) She's been wonderful and even drove me two hours round trip every day when I tried TMS to no avail, this summer. I know this is difficult for her, too, and she would do anything if would make me better. She doesn't deserve this and it breaks my heart for her.

 

[dontwakemeup]

I'm sorry you feel stuck. Trust me, you aren't alone, tho it may feel like it, you're not. All I ever wanted was a family and I figured that would sove anything since I'm adopted. I guess we all have something we wish we had.

I dislike people obsessing over us taking showers, we simply can't do it! It's not because we are nasty and dirty but it's like asking us to go hiking, it's a huge task when you're, "sick."

I'm sorry your plan didn't work. It takes se much energy to finally decide to do it! Then you set a date and say goodbye's, only to be stuck here still. It really is an awful feeling.

If I can give you some advice, it's the same as what I do. My appetite is so poor but when I do eat, it's something I enjoy. I eat a lot of ice-cream and birthday cake lol. I don't make plans anymore, I let my body decide. Today, I didn't habe the strength so I slept my day away! I'm waiting for my sleeping pills now.

I'm sure this is difficult not only for you but those who love you. I believe they want to help you but don't know how. Maybe give them small task to do for you so they can feel helpful. Maybe ask your mom pick up your ice-cream, Organize your medication, keep drinks and stuff close in your reach. I would highly suggest you find something for her to stay busy. I imagine the guilt she will carry forever believing she stood bye and couldn't help.

I hope your ice-cream was good. What kind did you get? Hope you can get some rest tonight

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I also wanted to say I also empathize with the guilt you feel because I feel it, too. When my latest episode started my mom insisted that I stay with her. That was eight months ago and I had been okay for four years since my last episode (three years in duration.) She's been wonderful and even drove me two hours round trip every day when I tried TMS to no avail, this summer. I know this is difficult for her, too, and she would do anything if would make me better. She doesn't deserve this and it breaks my heart for her.

It's awful what we put our loved ones through yet we can't help it. I gather TMS didn't work? That is the only thing I haven't tried after reading poor reviews on it. I tried IV ketamine and ECT though and unfortunately neither worked::( Normal people think all mental issues can be treated. Most of the time they can. I had success for years on meds but sometimes it becomes incurable and we deserve a death with dignity. My suffering is unbearable. No different than a terminal cancer patient.

 

[rs929]

What meds are you on? Just curious

 

[Nightfoot]

It's awful what we put our loved ones through yet we can't help it. I gather TMS didn't work? That is the only thing I haven't tried after reading poor reviews on it. I tried IV ketamine and ECT though and unfortunately neither worked::( Normal people think all mental issues can be treated. Most of the time they can. I had success for years on meds but sometimes it becomes incurable and we deserve a death with dignity. My suffering is unbearable. No different than a terminal cancer patient.

The TMS didn't work, unfortunately. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist soon but don't know what they will be able to do since the only medication types I haven't tried are tricyclics and MAOI. My last doctor said they don't prescribe MAOIs and that wouldn't prescribe a tricyclic due to my blood pressure issues. No hospitals offering ECT within 150 miles, same for ketamine.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

What meds are you on? Just curious

I've been on every SSRi and SNRi there is. Also combined with different mood stabilizers. As a last resort currently on an MAOI inhibitor but I feel worse than ever which I didn't think was possible.
I asked my Dr today if MAOI could make me worse. He said "No". But does anyone really know how all these meds work..NO! Years ago all I needed was Cymbalta it was a miracle then after a few years it didn't work so well, so added abilify. That helped a few more years. Then had to add Vyvanse. That helped for many years. Now nothing fucking helps! I'm at a loss.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

It's awful what we put our loved ones through yet we can't help it. I gather TMS didn't work? That is the only thing I haven't tried after reading poor reviews on it. I tried IV ketamine and ECT though and unfortunately neither worked::( Normal people think all mental issues can be treated. Most of the time they can. I had success for years on meds but sometimes it becomes incurable and we deserve a death with dignity. My suffering is unbearable. No different than a terminal cancer patient.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

There really should be a standard euthenasia process for consistent depression that doesn't go away, especially because some people are gentle and suicide alone is just hard.

I still think you should try more experimental things if you're able to do it. But maybe it's a bad idea. You're pretty smart so your judgment on things is probably sensible.

I hope you feel better.

 

[rs929]

I've been on every SSRi and SNRi there is. Also combined with different mood stabilizers. As a last resort currently on an MAOI inhibitor but I feel worse than ever which I didn't think was possible.
I asked my Dr today if MAOI could make me worse. He said "No". But does anyone really know how all these meds work..NO! Years ago all I needed was Cymbalta it was a miracle then after a few years it didn't work so well, so added abilify. That helped a few more years. Then had to add Vyvanse. That helped for many years. Now nothing fucking helps! I'm at a loss.

No tricyclics? Like clomipramine?

 

[claracatchingthebus]

I could see how an MAOI inhibitor could make things worse. If your neurotranmitters are too low, then boosting them up is good. If you feel awful and want to die for some reason not related to neurotransmitters (ie extreme inflamattion combined with an undetected disease process or epigenetic issue) then more energy and neurotransmitters may actually not help. Have you gotten tested for other medical issues to see if anything is going on that's being missed? You probably have already.

Have you checked things like inflammation levels? Have you checked hormone and thyroid levels and things of that nature?

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

The TMS didn't work, unfortunately. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist soon but don't know what they will be able to do since the only medication types I haven't tried are tricyclics and MAOI. My last doctor said they don't prescribe MAOIs and that wouldn't prescribe a tricyclic due to my blood pressure issues. No hospitals offering ECT within 150 miles, same for ketamine.

I'm currently on an MAOI as a last resort. It's not helping. I think I'm worse which I didn't think was possible. I don't know where you live but that is unfortunate that ECT and ketamine is so fat away. I have a bunch of places close to me that offer those services. And I know a lot of psychiatrists won't prescribe MAOI which is unfortunate because they help some people. I've tried some tricyclics in the past too when. I was younger. Imipramine and Nortryptaline helped.

The TMS didn't work, unfortunately. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist soon but don't know what they will be able to do since the only medication types I haven't tried are tricyclics and MAOI. My last doctor said they don't prescribe MAOIs and that wouldn't prescribe a tricyclic due

No tricyclics? Like clomipramine?

I have tried nortryptaline in imipramine in the past but I will ask about the one you mention. Ty

The TMS didn't work, unfortunately. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist soon but don't know what they will be able to do since the only medication types I haven't tried are tricyclics and MAOI. My last doctor said they don't prescribe MAOIs and that wouldn't prescribe a tricyclic due to my blood pressure issues. No hospitals offering ECT within 150 miles, same for ketamine.

Do you live near a reputable psych hospital that has more to offer and more open minded about the MAOIS and tricyclics? You could go inpatienr?

I could see how an MAOI inhibitor could make things worse. If your neurotranmitters are too low, then boosting them up is good. If you feel awful and want to die for some reason not related to neurotransmitters (ie extreme inflamattion combined with an undetected disease process or epigenetic issue) then more energy and neurotransmitters may actually not help. Have you gotten tested for other medical issues to see if anything is going on that's being missed? You probably have already.

Have you checked things like inflammation levels? Have you checked hormone and thyroid levels and things of that nature?

Hi Clara. So much bloodwork I've had done plus brain MRI. Nothing turned up.

 

[Nightfoot]

Do you live near a reputable psych hospital that has more to offer and more open minded about the MAOIS and tricyclics? You could go inpatient?

Most of the psych hospitals are just as far away. I've been inpatient a number of times during my last two episodes and none offered me those. Went from SSRI to SNRI then on to mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. My last doctor even tried Adderral. I will probably ask about tricyclics at my next appointment and maybe inquire about inpatient for MAOI. Thanks for the suggestion!

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Most of the psych hospitals are just as far away. I've been inpatient a number of times during my last two episodes and none offered me those. Went from SSRI to SNRI then on to mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. My last doctor even tried Adderral. I will probably ask about tricyclics at my next appointment and maybe inquire about inpatient for MAOI. Thanks for the suggestion!

I'm on an MAOI from my psychiatrist. He is older and has experience using them in the past with patients. There is just a few foods you need to avoid It's not that big of a deal. There is a reddit thread you can find with people on them for decades with no issues.

 

[Nightfoot]

I'm on an MAOI from my psychiatrist. He is older and has experience using them in the past with patients. There is just a few foods you need to avoid It's not that big of a deal. There is a reddit thread you can find with people on them for decades with no issues.

Aside from the minimal dietary restrictions it sounds like the tricky part is finding a doctor who still prescribes them. Then, of course, whether they would work.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Aside from the minimal dietary restrictions it sounds like the tricky part is finding a doctor who still prescribes them. Then, of course, whether they would work.

Yes this is true. I got lucky that mine did prescribe but unlucky so far as I feel.worse being on them. But for some they are a godsend.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

I get the deep dark pit of despair and emptiness, like it's impossible to even look up let alone make a move to physically crawl out of it when we just want to sink further down and away. I don't know, but maybe a change in scenery could help, even if a few hours, perhaps a day? A beautiful spot, a favorite place? I know the emptiness can follow, but I'm thinking if you could forcibly remove yourself, for your mind to get away and breathe in a bit of nature, it may calm you. You've been through a lot with the attempt, maybe more than you realise, and you are still wrapped up in the event where you are. I'm truly sorry, sending love and hugs and thinking of you

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I get the deep dark pit of despair and emptiness, like it's impossible to even look up let alone make a move to physically crawl out of it when we just want to sink further down and away. I don't know, but maybe a change in scenery could help, even if a few hours, perhaps a day? A beautiful spot, a favorite place? I know the emptiness can follow, but I'm thinking if you could forcibly remove yourself, for your mind to get away and breathe in a bit of nature, it may calm you. You've been through a lot with the attempt, maybe more than you realise, and you are still wrapped up in the event where you are. I'm truly sorry, sending love and hugs and thinking of you

Thank you. I try to sit on my deck. I live on a pond and all the trees around it have changed their leaves into the beautiful foliage of autumn. I appreciate the beauty of nature. I don't know wtf is wrong with me.