A wasted life

[tiredoflife1964]

Didn't know what I wanted to do as a career, didn't try hard enough (mainly because I didn't know what I wanted to do. Wasted too much time. No possibility of a career now (too old) Invested money in bad investments. living n someone else's house as lodger. No friends within anything I would call travelling distance. No wife / partner. Little to no possibility of changing any of these things. yeah,proper loser. Can anyone relate to this ? The only reason I hang on for now is the remote possibility that something good might happen out of the blue / lottery win / whatever in the next few months, however i do think about suicide almost every day and how to do it and do try to imagine if there is or isn't an afterlife and if there is whether there will be some kind of reckoning for having killed myself. Don't get me wrong, i'm not feeling sorry for myself, it's 90% my own doing.

 

[meetapple]

I, too, have vastly underperformed with regards to my career. Some of the things you lack are touted by society as things you need to be happy. Perhaps you could get a hobby that would allow you to meet people and make friends.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

Yes, I have 3 useless degrees. Tried at a certain career and failed. I knew it was a bad choice just couldn't think of anything else to do. It's really fucked me more than anything else.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I understand that it is awful when everything feels hopeless. Life is just so depressing, I never want to reach an old age. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[toforigivelife]

Didn't know what I wanted to do as a career, didn't try hard enough (mainly because I didn't know what I wanted to do. Wasted too much time. No possibility of a career now (too old) Invested money in bad investments. living n someone else's house as lodger. No friends within anything I would call travelling distance. No wife / partner. Little to no possibility of changing any of these things. yeah,proper loser. Can anyone relate to this ? The only reason I hang on for now is the remote possibility that something good might happen out of the blue / lottery win / whatever in the next few months, however i do think about suicide almost every day and how to do it and do try to imagine if there is or isn't an afterlife and if there is whether there will be some kind of reckoning for having killed myself. Don't get me wrong, i'm not feeling sorry for myself, it's 90% my own doing.

Can anyone relate? I believe that you just told my life story and described my suicidal state of mind.

Had a hard time in school, had a hard time professionally, had hard time connecting with people and now find myself alone and facing homelessness.

We should become roommates, or flatmates, whichever term your country uses.

I understand my responsibility as far as my own problems, we all contribute to our own problems but having two narcissists as parents...that's another topic.

But, yes I can relate. I can definitely relate and I'm so sorry that you are also in this state or to the point of catching the bus. So, so sorry that it has also come to this for you as well.

What's funny is that I did buy some lottery tickets today. My last ditch effort. If I win big I'll let you and everyone else on SS know and maybe I can help some people.

(As far as an afterlife I'm pretty much a skeptical agnostic and much of the time prefer to believe that nothing happens after we die. In recent days, however, I came across a very compelling "near death experience" story that included an incredible story of what's known as an after death communication. An experience that was independently verified four separate individuals. Let me know if you'd like to have the link to it.)

As I said, if my lottery tickets pay off, I'll let you know. Wishing you the best my friend.

 

[Pluto]

Definitely sums me up. I'm even doing the lottery thing as well.

I came across a very compelling "near death experience" story that included an incredible story of what's known as an after death communication.

Plenty of good reading on these topics.
Near Death Experience Research Foundation:

Current NDEs

Current NDE Experiences

www.nderf.org

After-Death Communication Research Foundation:

ADCRF - After Death Communication Research Foundation

Almost 1500 experiences - ADCRF After Death Communication Research Foundation has ADC stories, information, and research. People share their stories and learn more about after death communication. Please consider sharing your experience with us!

www.adcrf.org

 

[tiredoflife1964]

Can anyone relate? I believe that you just told my life story and described my suicidal state of mind.

Had a hard time in school, had a hard time professionally, had hard time connecting with people and now find myself alone and facing homelessness.

We should become roommates, or flatmates, whichever term your country uses.

I understand my responsibility as far as my own problems, we all contribute to our own problems but having two narcissists as parents...that's another topic.

But, yes I can relate. I can definitely relate and I'm so sorry that you are also in this state or to the point of catching the bus. So, so sorry that it has also come to this for you as well.

What's funny is that I did buy some lottery tickets today. My last ditch effort. If I win big I'll let you and everyone else on SS know and maybe I can help some people.

(As far as an afterlife I'm pretty much a skeptical agnostic and much of the time prefer to believe that nothing happens after we die. In recent days, however, I came across a very compelling "near death experience" story that included an incredible story of what's known as an after death communication. An experience that was independently verified four separate individuals. Let me know if you'd like to have the link to it.)

As I said, if my lottery tickets pay off, I'll let you know. Wishing you the best my friend.

I would def be interested in catching the bus with you. nembutal seems impossible to obtain unless travelling to South America, the R2D De-breather has mixed reviews (good reviews from Exit Interntional) so that leaves hanging and starvation. Starvation is not so bad and you're just letting nature take it's course. However it take dedication and several weeks. Let's face it we could end up being 75+ years of age in an adult cot in a care home, incontinent with dementia, not recognising anyone, not knowing where you are and with all sorts of other health problems. I've seen it myself. That's how my mother went. Ok so you 'check out' early but we all 'check out' eventually.
"It's not your right to end your life" I hear some say. I am the one living my life not them. I am the one who is forced to go through with it so if it's not my right who's right is it then ? God's ? God doesn't have to endure my situation or my experience. People get knocked down and killed crossing roads. Do they have to be reincarnated and re-live the same life because they didn't complete their life ? I hardly think so. Also if you have that link I'd be interested.

 

[toforigivelife]

I would def be interested in catching the bus with you. nembutal seems impossible to obtain unless travelling to South America, the R2D De-breather has mixed reviews (good reviews from Exit Interntional) so that leaves hanging and starvation. Starvation is not so bad and you're just letting nature take it's course. However it take dedication and several weeks. Let's face it we could end up being 75+ years of age in an adult cot in a care home, incontinent with dementia, not recognising anyone, not knowing where you are and with all sorts of other health problems. I've seen it myself. That's how my mother went. Ok so you 'check out' early but we all 'check out' eventually.
"It's not your right to end your life" I hear some say. I am the one living my life not them. I am the one who is forced to go through with it so if it's not my right who's right is it then ? God's ? God doesn't have to endure my situation or my experience. People get knocked down and killed crossing roads. Do they have to be reincarnated and re-live the same life because they didn't complete their life ? I hardly think so. Also if you have that link I'd be interested.

I'll message you that link.

It's about an hour long and this man was the perfect candidate for this type of experience; nice, intelligent, logical, scientifically trained agnostic who can't be accused of being predisposed to having an experience like this.

Definitely an interesting story. (Like I said, it's about an hour long and you have to stick with it because the details, coincidences and synchronicities are important.)

I wouldn't mind having you as a partner on this journey either. But the time it would take to make travel arrangements and stuff like that...

If you cannot find N you look into learning how to purchase Bitcoin and learn about using the "dark markets" in order to find effective drugs that will help you end your existence, if you truly feel that your time has come.

Heroin and the such can work too. If I was able to find my way around the dark markets then most people can.

You'd need to download the Tor browser, can be found online and on Android, you want to look for vendors in your country, read the reviews left for vendors and make sure that they're on the level. Most sites come with what is known as stealth, which protects your personal information.

Do some research and learn about them.

There's a site called Dark Fail that lists the dark markets that are available and there are resources like Coinmama and Local Bitcoin that sell Bitcoin. They will provide you with what is known as a Bitcoin wallet.

Again, do some research and learn about Bitcoin.

I'm not personally advising you to ctb.

As strange as this may sound to the non-suicidal, sometimes just knowing we have the tools and the option to ctb can offer peace of mind and maybe that's the case with you.

If you've thought it through and have honestly come to the conclusion that leaving this life is what's best for you, the natural sense of ambivalence the suicidal deal aside, then I respect your feelings and your decision and wish a good and peaceful passing my friend.

As far as being eternally punished for having caught the bus? You wrestle with that, I wrestle with it and I think most people do.

Not having God's phone number all I can gather from those who've had near death experiences, spiritual experiences and people who claim to have psychic medium abilities, there is no special punishment for those who ctb or die by suicide.

It's kind of gusty for these folks to reassure people that people who commit suicide are not singled out by God or the source because I know that people - the ones who don't sound like loonies anyway - who want to share their near death experiences are not trying to encourage suicide or make death sound more enticing to people in our position.

If there is survival after death from what I can gather there is no hell or eternal damnation unless you somehow choose it for yourself. We may have to answer on some level for having ended our lives but we will not be eternally damned.

Reincarnation? Forced to do a do-over? All I hear about is an all-knowing source, a source of indescribable unconditional love so I wouldn't fear that there are any hard and fast rules on the "other side".

I agree. What is the correct criteria for finally being allowed out of this life? There are those who "have it worse" than us so we have this big obligation to keep going under these conditions and keep rolling the dice even though we too are a vulnerable segment of the population?

Death has been granted to the poor and suffering as well as to the rich, beautiful and fortunate. There doesn't seem to be a specific criteria, just the source working in mysterious ways.

Strange how suicidal people who are prone to clinical depressi on and other forms of mental illness wait patiently for permission while wild, fun loving "party animals" play fast and loose with their mortality without this kind of self-examination.

Maybe that's just a part of having mental health challenges.

 

[NoPointToContinue]

Yeah can relate. My story is classic prodigy child turning to depressed adult. But I think everything happens as it should. Every decision we make, we make them with our best knowledge and abilities at that moment. I don't see those things as "our fault" because we didn't know any better.

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

Didn't know what I wanted to do as a career, didn't try hard enough (mainly because I didn't know what I wanted to do. Wasted too much time. No possibility of a career now (too old) Invested money in bad investments. living n someone else's house as lodger. No friends within anything I would call travelling distance. No wife / partner. Little to no possibility of changing any of these things. yeah,proper loser. Can anyone relate to this ? The only reason I hang on for now is the remote possibility that something good might happen out of the blue / lottery win / whatever in the next few months, however i do think about suicide almost every day and how to do it and do try to imagine if there is or isn't an afterlife and if there is whether there will be some kind of reckoning for having killed myself. Don't get me wrong, i'm not feeling sorry for myself, it's 90% my own doing.

"Reckoning for having killed myself".
I understand this fear, but I feel like it's simply SI manifesting in a different way, rather than a legitimate concern; if there is a Creator out there who made us for a purpose, and said purpose is so sick and perverse that it involves us going through utter Hell to the point where we kill ourselves and are then punished purely for behaving in the way we were programmed to i.e. trying to escape suffering, then:
A) Aren't we kind of screwed anyway- doomed to be the playthings of some malevolent deity or force which sees us as puppets on which to inflict misery, then punish for not being able to bear it anymore?
B) If there is a God, and he is a "Merciful" god as detailed in the bible, how could punishing people who were so desperate to escape suffering that they annihilated themselves- often painfully- be merciful in any way, shape or form? This would make God more like a cruel torturor than a God of mercy.
How could a God who does this be worth believing in?

If our purpose is to perform good deeds, when why are the good deeds we managed whilst we were alive not good enough?
Are these somehow nullified just because we could not manage to do good deeds until our final breaths?
Surely a single good deed would be enough to say a life was well lived, as value was brought to a person in that moment?

To be blunt, I don't believe in the God as depicted in the Bible; who wants to believe in someone who sends people to burn for eternity in flames and grief?
Moreover, where is the logic in sending people to burn in flames when they're just living the life that was designed for them, with all the pressures and horrors that lay beyond their control? Where is the sense in condemning people for being what they are?
Free will is, after all, an illusion, a human construct designed to make sense of something as unfathomable as the universe and human beings.
To illustrate this idea, consider this: there are disorders of the brain that make people kill.
Take the Texas Tower Sniper for example. In his mid 20's he inexplicably developed an urge to kill people, and he did, requesting in a note to be examined after his death to try to find out why he behaved in the way he did. During the autopsy a tumor was found in his brain that was theorised to have contributed to his actions and inexplicable behaviour.
Moreover, he had used amphetamines previously in an attempt to cope with the grief of his parents' separation, which may have played a role.
Either way, it could reasonably be argued that he no longer had the capacity to remain an upstanding citizen- his brain was malfunctioning. Even he didn't know what on earth was wrong with him. Free will had nothing to do with it, similarly to an alzheimer's patient failing to remember people who they've known for years.
Free will is a concept from a time where we didn't understand science and mental illness was seen as the work of the Devil. Schizophrenics were possessed monsters. Murderers were simply evil, rather than the result of trauma or psychopathy. Etc.


To conclude, I'd like to add that, for me at least, the only good and fitting conclusion to Life is non-existence; I don't want to live forever, in any way, shape or form. Be it Heaven or Hell (both concepts which frankly are unrealistic and a bit ridiculous- how could good or bad exist solo, without the other to make them so?)
Non existence is the perfect (and logical) conclusion to Life. You're dead but you don't know you're dead. It's the only thing that works, and works perfectly. Not existing and therefore not having the ability to fathom your own non existence. Simple. Beautiful. Liberating.
Since Death is unknown, it gives us space to imagine whatever we choose. It's the one realm where we're not hemmed in by the constraints of reality!
So what is the point in imagining something that doesn't bring us bliss and peace? Wanna believe in heaven? Go for it! Wanna believe in nothing? Why Not!
I'm quite open to the idea of heaven, it's just the idea of eternity that gets me- the idea that I'll have to continue doing anything forever is nauseating...
But if it somehow remains novel and desirable the entire time, then I could be into that!

I've heard some say that death by suicide means being reborn again and again until one dies "naturally" (if there is such a thing). This seems to be a commonly held belief by many Buddhists.
I don't like this idea, so I choose not to entertain it. Why should I entertain an idea that doesn't bring me joy on a subject as open as Death, where I can believe whatever I want with impunity? That's just unnecessary torture, and life hands out more than enough of that as it is, hence this forum!


It was once said that Man's advantage over God is that god cannot die, but man can die by his own hand anytime he so chooses...

Any thoughts on anything I've said? Hope I didn't harp on too much. If so then I apologise!