Venting a walking embarrassment

[kiki <3]

do you ever feel like you walk into people's lives only to be a breathing and walking embarrassment? from the way you behave, the way your body moves and operates, the cadence of your voice all to your interests and hobbies, your feelings.

i try so hard to convince myself that no one around me cares and that those who have accepted me into their lives have also accepted me the way i am, but it feels like even the walls of my room have eyes and each eye follows everything i do, and i must do everything perfectly. in fairness i had been ridiculed for everything i mentioned initially throughout my entire life even by people close to me, so there is no doubt i am this anxious about everything i do mostly bc i barely had any support. this is probably also the reason why i have been so clumsy for so long, as i am so insecure in each movement i make and each word i utter. i am very quick naturally and i have to tell myself to slow down otherwise i will break something.

the worst part is that i carry so much guilt over possibly coming off as self-absorbed............ like who gives a fuck? who gives a fuck about me? who gives a fuck about any of this? why would anyone pay attention to my fuck ups? i certainly do not when this happens to others. it just happens, it is fine and human, right? but i am just so scared that i will fuck something up and everyone will ridicule me, as i am used to this kind of treatment. fuck this man.

 

[Mirrory Me]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be yourself, even if it feels like a threat or expecting someone to want to control you. You have to remember that you can still be who you want to be, or how you want to act, even if you get discouraged sometimes.

 

[kiki <3]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be yourself, even if it feels like a threat or expecting someone to want to control you. You have to remember that you can still be who you want to be, or how you want to act, even if you get discouraged sometimes.

thank you. :( it feels like a meaty cage, all the bars are made out of my own flesh and i am awaiting punishment by my own self, or someone else. i've thought about ctb too many times but i wish i could experience at least one day where embarrassment is an unfamiliar emotion before that happens.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I do have these kinds of thoughts too. Especially if I have to work around other people. My work means a lot to me so, I hate to screw up around other people and because I'm so self conscious, I tend to screw up more. I'm sure I'd be the same in social situations but I don't expose myself to them unless I absolutely have to.

I'm not convinced these feelings come from being self absorbed although- I admit that I am anyway. But I'm not sure it's that we expect people to take notice of us. I just think it's more a cripling lack of confidence around other people- social anxiety I suppose. A fear of humiliating ourselves or, being humiliated for something. I suspect some of it does come from sarcastic comments. I don't think I've ever forgotten an insult. When I'm feeling particularly shit, they all come flooding back.

But, it's so accutely embarassing, it's almost felt painful at times. When you do something stupid and show yourself up and wish the earth would just swallow you up.

 

[kiki <3]

Yes, I do have these kinds of thoughts too. Especially if I have to work around other people. My work means a lot to me so, I hate to screw up around other people and because I'm so self conscious, I tend to screw up more. I'm sure I'd be the same in social situations but I don't expose myself to them unless I absolutely have to.

I'm not convinced these feelings come from being self absorbed although- I admit that I am anyway. But I'm not sure it's that we expect people to take notice of us. I just think it's more a cripling lack of confidence around other people- social anxiety I suppose. A fear of humiliating ourselves or, being humiliated for something. I suspect some of it does come from sarcastic comments. I don't think I've ever forgotten an insult. When I'm feeling particularly shit, they all come flooding back.

But, it's so accutely embarassing, it's almost felt painful at times. When you do something stupid and show yourself up and wish the earth would just swallow you up.

absolutely. i have no interest in anyone noticing me. and when one of my "errors" is actually noticed i feel like a withering flower. as you said, you wish the earth would just swallow you up and eat you whole.

i try to tell myself i would never ridicule someone for their errors, and if someone were in my shoes and telling me this i would let them know that everything is okay and it's not the end of the world... too bad i cant apply that to myself.

we all fuck up, but i mustn't. otherwise i will die from embarrassment. it is fine if everyone does it tho, in essence lol

 

[Mirrory Me]

thank you. :( it feels like a meaty cage, all the bars are made out of my own flesh and i am awaiting punishment by my own self, or someone else. i've thought about ctb too many times but i wish i could experience at least one day where embarrassment is an unfamiliar emotion before that happens.

I am feeling that way too, it's really brutal when you don't see the light on your progress. I currently made tarot speread about what hopes, difficulties and possibilities do I have in life- by picking fist the cards that make me currently happy or satisfied, then the downs that take away my happiness my motivation, and then the solutions to that problem. Like: Star: 6 of cups, Moon: 3 of swords and Sun: 2 3 of cups.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

but it feels like even the walls of my room have eyes and each eye follows everything i do, and i must do everything perfectly.

I relate to this. I remember being young and being so anxious I always thought someone was watching and judging me all the time, and I assumed at the time that it was the furniture and the walls. You're not alone in your feelings.

I know I'm an embarrassment, from the way I talk, the way I compose myself, my interests, etc. because other people have told me. It makes me just want to disappear and not socialize with others, only to have people ask why I don't talk much. I just wish I could be good at socializing, then I wouldn't be so anxious about it in the first place.

 

[kiki <3]

I relate to this. I remember being young and being so anxious I always thought someone was watching and judging me all the time, and I assumed at the time that it was the furniture and the walls. You're not alone in your feelings.

I know I'm an embarrassment, from the way I talk, the way I compose myself, my interests, etc. because other people have told me. It makes me just want to disappear and not socialize with others, only to have people ask why I don't talk much. I just wish I could be good at socializing, then I wouldn't be so anxious about it in the first place.

same. i used to think walls and furniture had a life of their own. so many missed opportunities only because i was scared someone would punish me or mock me.

i am sorry you feel this way. it is exhausting.