A strange thing that happens to me ... maybe it also happens to you.

[edu0z]

I just saw a post in this same part of the forum about going out and making friends with a girl who seems nice ... that's why I don't want to spoil the party so I'll be brief.


a question for you ...
I have never been a particularly depressed boy, in fact I remember quite happy and pleasant times in my life ... I have dreams for which I fight every day and friends who love me, however I have always been missing something... one word: desire
I've always felt that I don't know why I'm here, like I don't feel like staying ... even in the most incredibly happy and unforgettable moments of my life if someone had asked me "Hey, and if you press this button and die, would you? ", I would have said yes without thinking twice.
I remember being in elementary school ... sitting in the chair looking out the window while the teacher spoke: it was a beautiful morning, and I could only think that something would happen to be able to run away from everything ... run without worries through that green field so incredible that it was observed from the window.
I grew up and learned the name of what I wanted: suicide ... of course, at that age I was still terrified. I just kept living, reluctantly, but I still did it because it was the right thing to do.
However, whenever you talk to someone you can notice it in their eyes: the desire to live ... is something that I will never understand. I have a friend with cancer who has had to do 5 operations, just yesterday I was talking to him and I said that life with him had been very unfair, he told me no, that he was grateful ... why? ... for being alive.

I've never felt anything like it ... that kind of burning desire that burns your blood and makes you go beyond all logic. Is there something wrong with my brain?


I would like to hear your opinion and your experiences in this regard ... thank you.

by the way I am Spanish so there are probably some things in English misspelled, if you don't understand something, tell me jj



a pretty nice post for you to cheer up ;):

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...-out-and-watch-movies-etc.72668/#post-1318098

 

[m9q2As2$IG]

What you're describing sounds like an existential crisis. This basically means you don't understand your purpose or long to fullfil said purpose, because you don't understand it and therefore don't care for it.

From what you wrote you seem immaterialistic, meaning you don't get any happiness by buying let's say a new smartphone or television.

I'd say: give trying to find a purpose a shot. Do what you've always dreamt of doing, but didn't do. Your wildest dreams, things that would be stupid or dumb to do, do them anyway, in an effort to try and find what your purpose is for yourself, which can lead to something you desire to do in pursuit of your purpose.

This cannot be anything others tell you. To be honest, don't listen to anyone who tells you to do something specific to discover what your purpose may be, listen only to yourself and your raw, wildest of dreams or curious thoughts you think of.

The only other thing I could think of that could become a desire for life is a person, very likely a lover / partner. Though, that is not something you can force upon yourself, it happens naturally and can often take a very long time. Not even beginning about the hardship a dysfunctional relationship can bring to your life.

As for why people have such a desire for life, I don't know honestly. And to be honest, I think many people on this forum do not have such a desire for life, so I don't think you'll have striking luck here for the pro-life mindset relating to desire.

If what I'm describing to you sounds like a load of bullocks to you and you're not willing to try (this is not a judgement, your personal choice whether you want to give it a shot or not) it then there may not be much left for you if you've already tried "everything".

Of course it's your own choice whether to ctb or try anything I or anyone else here share with you, so do not feel obliged in any way to do or follow what we say; you are in charge.

I hope my view helped you. Also apologies for the maybe harder English words, I write very formally. You said you were Spanish, so if you do not understand something feel free to let me know and I'll be happy to try and explain it differently or in a more simple manner so you can understand :).

Good luck and all the best of wishes!

 

[FuneralCry]

I have never had a will to live and I have never wanted to be alive either. Being alive has just never felt right to me. Suicidal thoughts have been a part of me for a long time. I have never understood why people are grateful for being alive, I have always seen life as pointless, which is what it essentially is, as there is no real purpose to us being here, we just exist for the sake of it. However I have never been a happy person at all, but even when my life was okay in the past, I still felt like this. I wish you well.

 

[edu0z]

haha exactly ... you spend so much time feeling suicidal thoughts, that you already see it as something normal. One day I tried to tell a friend that sometimes I feel like doing it, and he looked at me with strange faces ... but in reality I was the one who was most missed, because at that moment I thought it was the most normal thing in the world and that anyone could feel like this at some point ...
It has been so long since I feel like this, that no matter how happy I feel, I will always feel like ending everything ... because as you say, I see it as something useless and meaningless.

I have never had a will to live and I have never wanted to be alive either. Being alive has just never felt right to me. Suicidal thoughts have been a part of me for a long time. I have never understood why people are grateful for being alive, I have always seen life as pointless, which is what it essentially is, as there is no real purpose to us being here, we just exist for the sake of it. However I have never been a happy person at all, but even when my life was okay in the past, I still felt like this. I wish you well.

 

[toforigivelife]

Your English is wonderful.

I've never understood the sense of gratitude for being alive when people are dealing with a painful or debilitating illness or after surviving a catastrophic injury or assault.

I think this gratitude for life stems from the primal fear of death that has been ingrained into humans ever since we began to walk on two legs.

 

[Fakereality]

I never understood the desire to live to be honest I have seen so many homeless people choosing to suffer and beg and cling on passerby pity in order to survive I have never understood why life is so universally love while death is so much hated the thoughts of death give me a peace of mind that I will soon stop existing and my suffering will stop but thought of life only brings me suffering and force me to realize what kind of hell it is.