Do feel free to reply with any advice / outside perspectives, maybe I might learn something.
Since this time you are giving me a green card into further diving in advice, this time I will deep dive in it.
Before you go down and read the massive information I will leave you, please take everything with a grain of salt. This is merely my own perception of things, given the information you provided me with. There is a lot of unknown variables for me to be able to be more specific, and therefore I may lack good advice, and end up causing a mess, which is not my intention.
I would also like to warn you that my wording may, at times, seem like I am stating things as if I believe they are facts, but that is not the case, as it is merely my opinion based on what I can see, and not only that, if my wording is seen as inappropriate or maybe even make you feel discomfort, I ask that you think about yourself and protect yourself first, by not proceeding in reading it, and if necessary, inform me so I can delete the post and don't add up to your problems. Then again, I am fully aware you may end up reading regardless and on that, unfortunately, there isn't much I can do about it... I hope that you can choose what is best for you, or what you deem is the best for you.
Though I didn't ask for advice, I really appreciated what you guys had to say.
You are very much welcome and, I must say, I was unsure if I wanted to answer the way I did, as I did not want to sound like I was meddling in your affairs, much less attempting anything close to "oh no, let me try to save this person's life". I firmly believe that, no matter the reasons people have, or how much I can think they are being impulsive/not thinking things through a lot because of their present mental state, I have no business invalidating them, much less try to make them change their minds. I appreciate you did not take my interaction the wrong way.
Comparing myself to others has been a habit I've always had, and it worked well for me for quite a while
I am stating the obvious here - you already know that as well from what I read afterwards - but I suppose I will reiterate that it is a bad habit particularly for the reasons you yourself stated; it exists for the good and the bad. While you manage to accomplish things using this method, once you start comparing yourself to others that have much more ideal settings in their life and, therefore, accomplish things that you might consider bigger, you are doomed to have your mental foundations collapsing and ending up... Well, exactly where you are, indeed.
I've barely been able to interact with others or network for the past few years, and I know it's my fault. I have been barely functioning.
This is going to sound rather stupid, and even obvious but... Sometimes the obvious is all there is. Giving you have this degree of self-awareness on this, you probably also know that the only way you can change that is reconnecting with people and/or make new connections. The particularities in how this is done will solely depend on yourself, your personality, and something else outside of your control, which is others reactions to this. If these friends of yours are distant from yourself due to your own actions, reconnecting with them may prove difficult in the eventuality that this distancing happened in a not-so-ideal way, or in a negative way (example: you pushing them away by hurting them, no matter the method). However, if you believe - since you are yourself you will most certainly know more about this than any of us here - that it is possible to reconnect, perhaps you can start now.
As for new connections, if you choose this way, it may prove difficult as that requires the possibility of connection to be highly probable, which is a bad setting, as it either requires you using technological tools that are created with this purpose (a.k.a. apps that are created with the sole purpose of people establishing relationships with others and getting to know others) or social concepts/events that, although not exactly created with this purpose, are also widely used for this (a.k.a. nightclubs, bars, parties in general).
I personally would not recommend the latter, as the risk of increasing your distress is very high. When one searches for connections purposely and intentionally, things tend to get a bit awkward and unnatural in the way we interact with others, while when they happen naturally, it usually tends to work out better. Reconnection holds a variable this doesn't: the fact that there was a previous connection already, and therefore, the other people will know you enough to decide to put effort into it, and will also not feel unnatural and weird.
Regardless, it is very important that you take your own time to do this, given you admit you have not been properly functional. The mere fact that you aren't/weren't may lead to this looking
like a big challenge instead of a simple thing like texting people. And that is ok and to be expected. Carefully manage your expectations here by reminding yourself of the person you used to be, and the person you end up being due to the consequences that led to your depression and/or anxiety. Obviously, that will have an impact on how this will feel for you.
So when depression (and anxiety) started kicking my ass a few years back, I became unable to perform at the level that (1) I used to be able to, (2) I expected of myself,
This is where I believe things started for you. You had already set a specific type of expectations for yourself prior to entering a phase where depression and anxiety entered as a variable in your life. However, there was something that you lacked, which is understandable to anyone who actually knows what depression and anxiety brings as a consequence to people. I will divide my thoughts into two categories when addressing these words of yours.
First of all, I would like to note that depression and anxiety can blind the most brilliant mind (and by brilliant I really mean a very rational person, or an individual with a very emotional stable mind) in ways that are hard to describe or assess. Those two things are enough to separate us from the possibility of seeing things clearly and in a logical way, leading us to enter a negative type of mindset, where everything suddenly seems to be bad, negative, and usually we start targeting ourselves as the enemy (lack of self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, among other things of similar kind). This is important to mention because I think it is important for you to know, if you don't already, that this alone may have influenced you on getting to where I will be stating next.
Second of all, as I said above, you had already set a specific type of expectations for yourself prior to entering a period of depression and anxiety. But you probably didn't change, adapt and/or adjust your expectations to accommodate your new found condition. When depressed or falling in a cycle of anxiety, it is psychologically expected that the individual will drop in performance. This can be seen in one, or several fields of the individual's life. School performance, work performance, relationships-wise (any kind of relationship, like romantic, family, friends, co workers, etc) performance. Since, if I am right, you did not adjust your expectations accounting for this new found reality, what happens next can be more or less exemplified by this, using a simple scale of 0-10 to measure expectation level:
The NOT depressed/anxious person's expectations: 10
Probability of turning expectation in reality: 80-100% (I am merely throwing numbers here for a more general idea)
Conclusion: highly probable positive outcome
Possible translation of this in a real life example: Studying for an exam, and setting the expectation of passing the exam. Passing the exam within expectations, given there was enough study to provide the positive result in that exam
The depressed/anxious person's expectations: 10
Probability of turning expectation in reality: 20-40% (I am merely throwing numbers here for a general idea)
Conclusion: highly probable negative outcome
Possible translation of this in a real life example: Issues studying due to lack of focus and increasing memory problems (depression/anxiety is shown and agreed by psychologists world wide to cause a lack of focus/decrease in memory retention and recall functions of the brain, which comes as a consequence of reduced brain activity that has been observed many times in the scanned brains of patients that presented depressive symptoms), therefore building frustration on the realization that the performance while study have changed, which in consequence, builds even more frustration and anxiety, leading to failing to pass the exam.
To sum this up in more simple terms:
Reasonable expectation set > Person enter a depressive/anxious period > Reasonable expectation becomes too high of expectation because of depression's/anxiety's consequences > Creation/build of frustration/extreme anger/extreme sadness/extreme feelings of worthlessness/extreme lack of self-esteem > Increase in depression/anxiety levels as a consequence of the build up of said feelings > Person is stuck in the loop of depression/anxiety > Person is unable to leave the loop, as the loop is fed constantly, and not broken
miss out on a lot of enjoyable formative experiences
This rings to me in the form of FOMO. FOMO, or Fear Of Missing Out. Unbelievably (or not) common on individuals that are either depressed, suffer from anxiety, both, and/or some other mental conditions that generate a depression/repression of the normally/standard levels of emotion. You may not like, or accept what I will be saying next on how to address this, but once again, it is merely an opinion being provided.
The way I see this problematic should be addressed it is simply the rational realization that what was missed in the past can never be retrieved. The realization that what is in the past is no long obtainable is one heavy burden to carry, and it is quite the bitter thing to think about, much less to swallow and accept as is. However, acceptance is necessary, and to accept this means to swallow the pill no matter how bad it tastes. In other words: 'I seriously hate that I missed this. Is there anything I can do to retrieve that which I missed? No. Then what can I do? Continue forward and enjoy the things that I am not missing. What I missed, is already missed, and therefore focusing on that will only add to my distress, consequently affecting the way I will enjoy the things that are happening right now, and therefore leading me to miss more things. Since I hate missing things, I must discard the past missed things, in order to protect the ones that I can presently enjoy and, consequently, end the horrific cycle of bitter taste I feel when I miss things."
I am fully aware the expression of "easy to say, hard to do" may apply here. This is the theory, but it takes a lot of mental exercise to turn this theory intro practice. How to do so? There is no magic powder to this, it is what it is, an exercise that must be done by the person, on their own minds, until it is no longer theory, but at last practice. I cannot, unfortunately, provide a guide on this, as every individual mind will work, thus, individually different, even if they share similarities.
this takes a lot of effort, and I am tired
This problematic is inherently tied to the second one you mentioned, therefore, my answer to this will also be provided while I address the other. Continue reading for further information, unless continuity in reading leads to what I stated at the beginning of my text.
don't even know whether I'm working towards the right things that will make me happy / make my life better, or whether those things necessarily exist.
Because you seem to be unable to provide an answer to this, and because you know this takes a lot of effort, not being sure or completely resolved on whether it is the right thing, or even if this thing - whatever it may be - is worth the effort, you being tired automatically makes this a hundred times worse. "I am so tired... I don't have a concise idea if
this is worth it or not, therefore it is easier if I do not try at all, after all, I am tired already, there is no motivation for me to ignore this tiredness and keep pushing".
Humans are often shown to be beings that look for the easiest and fastest answer, no matter what problematic they are facing. It is just the way our brains seem to function. Right now, because there is no factor that serves as a motivator, the brain - that is naturally like this - and, on top of it all, is also depressed (intensifying the need to look for the easiest and fastest answer, without looking to be more rational, logical or even objective, courtesy of depression/anxiety) will conclude the fastest and easiest road is to not think at all, therefore, not putting any effort into it, which consequently also only adds to the depression loop already in existence. How to address this? You have to look at this "thing" that you do not know the value or if it is worth the effort.
Is this "thing" the right thing? I cannot say. "Right" and "wrong" being human concepts and all that fact implies, makes it so that what I, myself, might consider the right thing, may be also perceived as the bad thing in your own eyes, and vice-versa. Whether or not it is the right thing for you, however, will depend on what this "thing" is, in essence.
Nevertheless, the majority of things like this, that may or may not be what makes us happy, or that makes us question the value they hold to us, tend to be things that we only figure out after doing them/going through them. In other words, I am suggesting you to do something unbelievably difficult, specially to a depressive mind: trial and error.
As you live life, you have things you learn to hold dear, that in the future may lose their value. The same way, you will have relationships that start and finish, you may love, for example, computers, when you are a kid and think that you want to work as a computer technician, but in your teen years you realize what you REALLY like is to take care of other people's pets, and thus, become a veterinarian. What I am trying to imply with this is simply that, throughout our lives, and experiences, our tastes may change and, therefore, the "right thing" might as well change. There is not only one answer only, and even when we find that answer, the answer might also change within the next year. The best approach to this will, thus, be trial and error. You try, you like, it stays, until the next best thing you consider worth your time, and so on, so forth.
As for if those things exist, they definitely do, however, as I stated above, they might change their essence throughout your life, and with that, everything else that follows.
It doesn't help that the little things I do are nothing compared to what others are achieving, which is demoralising. Well, that's my habit of comparison kicking in again, oops.
What I stated above about how what I deem right might feel wrong to you and vice-versa, may as well be applied here. Your vision of what is "a big achievement" can also be what I call "nothing". This is merely a Self perception problematic. How to address it? This is tricky, because it is yet another mental exercise, with no magical answer to it. It is as simple as (easy to say, hard to do) changing the mindset. It may help to prevent/stop yourself as soon as you notice and become aware that you are about to compare yourself to others once again. Everytime you start doing it, you call yourself out by reminding yourself that you are fully aware this poses a problem and is not healthy for yourself. Doing so, gradually, and over time, established the new habit: the one where you no longer compare yourself like this with others.
You stated yourself, quite bea
utifully: it IS an habit. Psychology shows that, in average, it takes anywhere between 18 days to 254 days for the brain to develop a new habit. I find this quite curious and fascinating. If this is anywhere near the truth, then you having to fight an habit which, from my understanding, exists in you since forever, will require at maximum around 254 days of you preventing/stopping yourself from comparing to others. This can be anything like, whenever you start thinking like this, you push that thought away from yourself by distracting your mind with another task (hobbies, responsibilities, etc) or by you, yourself, calling yourself out, as I stated previously; something like reminding yourself in your mind how much you already know this is not healthy for you, and using logic against yourself to leave your Self with no arguments to fight back. An example: "I am me, they are them. I am my own person, I have my own experiences, and I have my own circumstances, which can differ from theirs, and so it is only natural that we may as well have differences in so many more things, and there is nothing wrong with that, and my achievements are equally valid as theirs are". Again, I know, easy to say, hard to do. In theory, this is it, in practice, it might take a while for you to be able to pull this out. Therapy is a nice tool to help you with this, if you do happen to have a good therapist, hopefully.
I'll probably try to address what I've reflected on / read from y'all with my therapist
I would honestly be flattered if you did, and I do think it is a good idea, providing they are a good therapist, they might provide much more insights, add things, remove things, etc - they are the professional after all.
though I admit my patience is running thin with attempting recovery.
This will solely depend on you, and any choice you decide to pursue will be always valid, as it is your own. I am, however, by everything you wrote, under the impression that you do not really want to CTB, but only seek and crave for a fast, efficient solution to your problematic.
On this, and once again, this is merely my opinion and suggestion, I will bluntly tell you: there is none that is quick and efficient. And it may prove useful or even helpful that you realize and accept this (swallow the pill, once again, no matter how bad it tastes). This kind of thing, although it is very possible to address, tend to take time, effort, a lot of feeling lost and wandering around, hitting your head against the walls (figuratively, hopefully) until you find whatever it is that end up being the answer you seek.
Lastly, I will reiterate: no matter what your choice ends up being, just know that it is valid no matter what, and there is no right or wrong answer, decision, path, etc.
