-nobodyknows-
Arcanist
- Jun 16, 2024
- 465
Hello. Some of you may know me, others of you may not. I wanted to make a little post reflecting on my feelings about the deaths of certain people on this site, and my own activities here. Some of you will likely disagree with me, and that is okay. But hopefully this makes some sense, and I apologize if it seems as if I am grandstanding, as this is not my intention. I simply wanted to write a little bit about my feelings, in the hopes that some people might come to understand me a little bit better.
I want to start by saying that I find it very hard knowing that people are on a site like this one. I have been suicidal for over ten years at this point, and have made multiple attempts on my life. But such feelings are not something that I would wish on anyone. I do not blame anyone for their actions, in fact I know the feeling well. The allure of death can be quite strong. And yet… it still saddens me. I hate to think about the sorts of things that push people to such a place. It is horrifying. I hate that people are driven to such a point. It is just so sad.
I have spoken with many people here, a number of which ended up taking their own lives. Again, I do not blame them. But I do wish that their lives had been different somehow. They did not deserve to suffer so much in this world. I don't think anyone does really.
Recalling them makes me wish that this world could be a little bit kinder, somehow. I cannot speak for all of you, but I am sure that the vast majority have something that they wish could be different. Wishing for something in their lives, or perhaps the lack of something. Perhaps they wish that a certain event never happened, or that they had done something differently. Or, maybe they are simply haunted by something that sinks its fangs into them, demanding death in exchange for peace. However, I cannot do much for anyone here, and knowing that makes me quite sad.
That said, I do believe that I should try my best to make the lives of other people here a little bit better. I try to treat people well. Hopefully I can make someone feel a little less alone. Maybe even make someone smile.
I often write about my own feelings on this site. It brings me a little bit of comfort, knowing that there are others who have felt similarly. But, when I am gone, and if people learn of my activities here, will they scorn me? Am I fueling the flames of despair in others? I do not know. I hope not. I just need to be heard, to have someone tell me "yes, I understand how you feel. You are not crazy. I have felt this pain as well." No one in my life will listen to me speak about such things. Here, in a place like this, I do not feel so alone in this world.
Although, in all honesty, part of me wishes I was. Having someone tell me "I feel the same way" is a reminder of the pain others feel. I hate that others know this feeling. I hate that it is not just me. Because if it were, it would mean that no one else was suffering this way.
I don't know if I really have a place here. I believe that I see the world quite differently from others, even when compared to many of the people here. And, there are some aspects of this place that really bother me. But, that said, I don't think the vast majority of people here are the problem. The thought of people demonizing the people I knew here who died simply because they sought a place to speak honestly about their feelings is incredibly upsetting.
In the end, I know that I will face the same fate. But, until then, I will continue trying to make others feel slightly better, if only for a moment. Please, allow me to try.
I want to start by saying that I find it very hard knowing that people are on a site like this one. I have been suicidal for over ten years at this point, and have made multiple attempts on my life. But such feelings are not something that I would wish on anyone. I do not blame anyone for their actions, in fact I know the feeling well. The allure of death can be quite strong. And yet… it still saddens me. I hate to think about the sorts of things that push people to such a place. It is horrifying. I hate that people are driven to such a point. It is just so sad.
I have spoken with many people here, a number of which ended up taking their own lives. Again, I do not blame them. But I do wish that their lives had been different somehow. They did not deserve to suffer so much in this world. I don't think anyone does really.
Recalling them makes me wish that this world could be a little bit kinder, somehow. I cannot speak for all of you, but I am sure that the vast majority have something that they wish could be different. Wishing for something in their lives, or perhaps the lack of something. Perhaps they wish that a certain event never happened, or that they had done something differently. Or, maybe they are simply haunted by something that sinks its fangs into them, demanding death in exchange for peace. However, I cannot do much for anyone here, and knowing that makes me quite sad.
That said, I do believe that I should try my best to make the lives of other people here a little bit better. I try to treat people well. Hopefully I can make someone feel a little less alone. Maybe even make someone smile.
I often write about my own feelings on this site. It brings me a little bit of comfort, knowing that there are others who have felt similarly. But, when I am gone, and if people learn of my activities here, will they scorn me? Am I fueling the flames of despair in others? I do not know. I hope not. I just need to be heard, to have someone tell me "yes, I understand how you feel. You are not crazy. I have felt this pain as well." No one in my life will listen to me speak about such things. Here, in a place like this, I do not feel so alone in this world.
Although, in all honesty, part of me wishes I was. Having someone tell me "I feel the same way" is a reminder of the pain others feel. I hate that others know this feeling. I hate that it is not just me. Because if it were, it would mean that no one else was suffering this way.
I don't know if I really have a place here. I believe that I see the world quite differently from others, even when compared to many of the people here. And, there are some aspects of this place that really bother me. But, that said, I don't think the vast majority of people here are the problem. The thought of people demonizing the people I knew here who died simply because they sought a place to speak honestly about their feelings is incredibly upsetting.
In the end, I know that I will face the same fate. But, until then, I will continue trying to make others feel slightly better, if only for a moment. Please, allow me to try.
