A realization from a shroom trip: My reason for my long break away from work, and a factor for my suicidality.

[DetachedDreamer97]

I finally get it. I now know why I've been getting anxious whenever I show up at my workplace.
I know why I couldn't go to work. It's because I'm powerless. My coworkers and my bosses treat me as though I am nothing. I have to deal with shit customers. Performing for an audience who just don't care. And I'm unable to change that as they all have me at their mercy. And as I've said before, it's been like that my whole life, whether it'd be school home, etcetera.
That is why I'm so inclined to have a method prepared, that way... I'll be able to say fuck it all and go.
I know that it's not gonna change when I switch jobs. I'm always bound to find a reason to hate it one way or another.
With mom and stepdad, or even the rest of the family, I'm powerless in being made to feel bad for something that is unlikely to have happened and apologize fir supposedly calling her a "fat cunt", or for anything for the matter. GASLIGHTING.
In truth, even if it did happen, she hasn't always been the most caring mother to me. When I go through issues and vent, the only FUCKING THING, she can say is, "and do you think that's cool?". And she is often either drunk or in too much of a bad mood to even want to hear me, and at some point she tried calling the cops on me out of spite. I really could go on.
Back to work though: I really have no clue what I'm gonna do once I return; how I'm gonna stand up for myself, How I'm gonna tell people to fuck right off and swallow bleach, How I'm gonna be assertive and show my dominance and gain control. I know I said a lot about being good and not letting your soul rot, but in truth, Anton LaVey is right. Love and kindness is to be reserved only for those who deserve it, not wasted on ingrates.
One thing I'm certain is that I WON'T be so easily dismissed. Not anymore.
I'm not sure if it's the shrooms that made me come to the conclusion, or if that's just me. But if it was, then thank you, shrooms! With all the craziness and the negative things that've happened during my trip, it was totally worth it.
I won't lie however. I still would very much rather call it a life and suicide myself, despite throwing out my method-in-progress, but I'm now infinitely calmer about it.

 

[RedDEE]

I love shrooms! I watched Shrek 4 on shrooms, and thought I was an ogre..

I'm a Satanist, and I liked what Anton Lavey said about love.

 

[DetachedDreamer97]

I love shrooms! I watched Shrek 4 on shrooms, and thought I was an ogre..

I'm a Satanist, and I liked what Anton Lavey said about love.

Yeah, this was my first and only trip. It was horrifying at first, but as I went with the flow... I enjoyed the harmony that came out of it. I even ended up singing confidently... something that I could never do normally... especially in a language I've never known.

I can't say I'm much if a satanist or anything. Though I feel as though it's the one religion that represents me the most.

 

[alexit]

I finally get it. I now know why I've been getting anxious whenever I show up at my workplace.
I know why I couldn't go to work. It's because I'm powerless. My coworkers and my bosses treat me as though I am nothing. I have to deal with shit customers. Performing for an audience who just don't care. And I'm unable to change that as they all have me at their mercy. And as I've said before, it's been like that my whole life, whether it'd be school home, etcetera.
That is why I'm so inclined to have a method prepared, that way... I'll be able to say fuck it all and go.
I know that it's not gonna change when I switch jobs. I'm always bound to find a reason to hate it one way or another.
With mom and stepdad, or even the rest of the family, I'm powerless in being made to feel bad for something that is unlikely to have happened and apologize fir supposedly calling her a "fat cunt", or for anything for the matter. GASLIGHTING.
In truth, even if it did happen, she hasn't always been the most caring mother to me. When I go through issues and vent, the only FUCKING THING, she can say is, "and do you think that's cool?". And she is often either drunk or in too much of a bad mood to even want to hear me, and at some point she tried calling the cops on me out of spite. I really could go on.
Back to work though: I really have no clue what I'm gonna do once I return; how I'm gonna stand up for myself, How I'm gonna tell people to fuck right off and swallow bleach, How I'm gonna be assertive and show my dominance and gain control. I know I said a lot about being good and not letting your soul rot, but in truth, Anton LaVey is right. Love and kindness is to be reserved only for those who deserve it, not wasted on ingrates.
One thing I'm certain is that I WON'T be so easily dismissed. Not anymore.
I'm not sure if it's the shrooms that made me come to the conclusion, or if that's just me. But if it was, then thank you, shrooms! With all the craziness and the negative things that've happened during my trip, it was totally worth it.
I won't lie however. I still would very much rather call it a life and suicide myself, despite throwing out my method-in-progress, but I'm now infinitely calmer about it.

Shrooms are medicinal. You know they are recruiting patients RIGHT NOW for a research study to treat treatment-resistant depression. If you enjoyed this effect, which I'm not surprised you did as I know the calm you describe, you should check it out. PM if you want info.

 

[_Minsk]

shroomies for the win<3

 

[Susannah]

I finally get it. I now know why I've been getting anxious whenever I show up at my workplace.
I know why I couldn't go to work. It's because I'm powerless. My coworkers and my bosses treat me as though I am nothing. I have to deal with shit customers. Performing for an audience who just don't care. And I'm unable to change that as they all have me at their mercy. And as I've said before, it's been like that my whole life, whether it'd be school home, etcetera.
That is why I'm so inclined to have a method prepared, that way... I'll be able to say fuck it all and go.
I know that it's not gonna change when I switch jobs. I'm always bound to find a reason to hate it one way or another.
With mom and stepdad, or even the rest of the family, I'm powerless in being made to feel bad for something that is unlikely to have happened and apologize fir supposedly calling her a "fat cunt", or for anything for the matter. GASLIGHTING.
In truth, even if it did happen, she hasn't always been the most caring mother to me. When I go through issues and vent, the only FUCKING THING, she can say is, "and do you think that's cool?". And she is often either drunk or in too much of a bad mood to even want to hear me, and at some point she tried calling the cops on me out of spite. I really could go on.
Back to work though: I really have no clue what I'm gonna do once I return; how I'm gonna stand up for myself, How I'm gonna tell people to fuck right off and swallow bleach, How I'm gonna be assertive and show my dominance and gain control. I know I said a lot about being good and not letting your soul rot, but in truth, Anton LaVey is right. Love and kindness is to be reserved only for those who deserve it, not wasted on ingrates.
One thing I'm certain is that I WON'T be so easily dismissed. Not anymore.
I'm not sure if it's the shrooms that made me come to the conclusion, or if that's just me. But if it was, then thank you, shrooms! With all the craziness and the negative things that've happened during my trip, it was totally worth it.
I won't lie however. I still would very much rather call it a life and suicide myself, despite throwing out my method-in-progress, but I'm now infinitely calmer about it.

Wow, this is amazing stuff. I would say this is a good step to recover yourself. You have an idea of why you feel bad in different situations. Now you need to make changes to empower yourself. How about trying out a course of self defense. I would recommend boxing. It's not difficult to learn, and your self- esteem will rise high. Just wearing gloves and mastering a few combos can make you feel powerful.

 

[DetachedDreamer97]

Wow, this is amazing stuff. I would say this is a good step to recover yourself. You have an idea of why you feel bad in different situations. Now you need to make changes to empower yourself. How about trying out a course of self defense. I would recommend boxing. It's not difficult to learn, and your self- esteem will rise high. Just wearing gloves and mastering a few combos can make you feel powerful.

I'll probably give that a shot. Though I don't go around much in this town. But I do spend a lot of time shadowboxing and learning moves from self defense videos. Even do mental simulations of fighting. Though main concern is being vocally assertive and stuff, since I'm pretty sure fighting would get me into a lot of trouble, even though it's useful as something to back me up if someone ever decides to attack me out of anger.

 

[Susannah]

I'll probably give that a shot. Though I don't go around much in this town. But I do spend a lot of time shadowboxing and learning moves from self defense videos. Even do mental simulations of fighting. Though main concern is being vocally assertive and stuff, since I'm pretty sure fighting would get me into a lot of trouble, even though it's useful as something to back me up if someone ever decides to attack me out of anger.

So cool. believe the opposite. No one wants to fight a boxer;-)