Dear all,
Ever since 2008 I've been suffering from a severe depression, back then already for - I think - quite severe reasons. My mother died at age 11, not long thereafter my (much)
older brother beat me up in a psychotic state. My father was verbally and sometimes physically abusive, I am transgender and all the pitfalls that brings with it.
My father had a stroke in 2002, and this only further exasterbated his violent, irrational moods. He is, or rather was, a wealthy man, so my (again much older brother and sister never dared or wanted to take my side, for want of his money). In 2008 my first serious relationship ended and it turns out I was horribly gaslit, the person in question cheated and then blamed me for her infidelity.
I've tried therapy, anti-depressants and what have you, but they all feel like treatments for the symptoms, not the underlying problems. In fact, going down the path of therapy just feels like going down a path of incompetence where I am being shamed for feeling depressed and needing help. And it is only getting worse.
Here in the Netherlands you have a suicide prevention hotline (113) but it is a terrible line where, if your problems are too complicated, they have no qualms to hang up on you. Most of their 'help' consists of re-phrasing what you just said and repeating it back to you in the form of a question. "This and this happened, and no matter what I do, I don't feel heard." "Oh, as I understand it, this and this happened to you, and you don't feel heard?"
To make matters worse, I've had a 'friend' who saw fit to keep borrowing money from me and keep asking for help. In hindsight I recognize her behaviour as belonging to a total narcissist. Not too long ago she again borrowed close to a €1000 in total then decided to break off all contact within 2 weeks after borrowing the last amount for unspecified reasons, that I had 'disappointed' her.
In 2020 my father finally died after having been diagnosed with several brain tumors. I was the one who took him to the hospital, in spite of the covid scare, stayed with him at night and during most days. Again he was verbally violent, calling me the most horrible things and blaming me for worse things still. The day he died, he wasn't cold in the ground or immediately, and I do mean immediately, once home my sister took my brother aside "Please don't take this the wrong way, but I need to talk with your brother alone." Were her words.
Not soon after, after our meeting with the notary, the notary in question concluded there was nothing out of the ordinary and it would be a regular '3 way split'. But a few days later however, my brother drove by, calling me around 11pm to get in the car with him. As it turned out my sister had found documents and I was completely disowned. My sister, who I always considered my friend and ally, and for whom I went house, cat- and babysitting on many occassions, suddenly avoided all contact. Effectively cutting me off from her, my niece and I shudder to think what stories she's telling to justify all of this. It also means growing old with the knowledge of dying alone, not to mention my trust is now so fundamentally shaken, to the core, I simply have none left.
I have grown bitter, distrustful, and am left a shadow of my former self. As my mom died at a young age, and my father had a stroke while I was smack in the middle of university (International & EU law) I had to abandon my studies, and I've been working crap jobs at the periphery of society ever since. Often call center work, with a pure profit motive, work that makes me sick to the core.
Ever since April, with there being huge job shortages in vital sectors, I've been applying for help to maybe follow a work-study plan to get more meaningful and fulfilling work. This however all has felt like a totally Kafkaesque experience. For those projects I need to either be a refugee or get wellfare benefits. I however can't get benefits as I own a car, I first need to sell that car to live of the proceeds, when those have been bled dry I can apply again. I have been suggested to work for such corporations such as 'Holland Casino' basically being a mouthpiece for justifying bleeding people dry in their gambling addiction and cross-selling gambling platforms. The very opposite of what I want to accomplish. That the city of Amsterdam actively mediates for this, but not nursing jobs or jobs in a green energy transition...it all sickens me to no end and further fuels my depression and cynicism.
Here I also want to point out that from 2017 to 2020 I had to deal with a very violent and loud neighbor who got drunk almost every night, screamed from the top of his lungs and was just...well...insane. It took me over 2 years for him to get 'evicted'. And things had to go from bad to worse first, 2+ years of little to no sleep, of being waited upon in the apartment lobby and shoved down the stairs with messages like "I'm gonna kill you soon, you fag." The guy in question was however, a 'poor and misunderstood migrant'...it was first worth doing research on his claims whether ot not I was a racist. And when he was finally 'evicted' it was by awarding him a better and more well isolated house so he could continue his drunken rampaging, playing of loud music in all hours while spewing misogynistic and anti-LHBTQ bs. Problem solving in the Netherlands this day and age.
I did get an apology from the building corporation for going along with his claims that I might be a racist, for whatever good that will do me.
In 'short' I've had too much happen to me, and this is nearly not all. There has also been an instance of a near rape when I first came out into the LGBTQ community by someone who had AIDS...eroding my trust in that 'community' as well. Then there is, of course, the state of the world and how the worst kind of people seem to be reaping the most rewards in society.
Now I am, quite simply, done. I am now in the process of selling my car so I can cover funeral expenses and not bother anyone else with that. To tidy up my apartment, find a good home for my two darling cats (the hardest part f all) write goodbye letters to the few people who might be affected by my decision and, hoping against hope, my sister and brother will actually feel a pang of guilt (I doubt it, money has great, soothing qualities for some it seems).
Stockpiling a mix of alcohol, GHB, opiates, sleeping pills and medication to supress a vomiting reflex. Of course I worry this won't be a painless way, or it will fail. In which case I will be sucked deeper into a forced admittance, where my sister and brother will go "See, she is insane, and she is harming us with the stress of these attempted suicides and blaming us for it!"
I want out, and when I do go out, I want it to be succesful in one go - as 'clean' as I possibly can.
I wanted to rant to show this isn't any one thing, and I've been struggling with depression for decades now, and for all the 'help' I've been given, it has only gotten worse while being increasingly stigmatized. I have 0 faith, 0 trust and less than 0 enjoyment in life. People who do the worst shit seem to keep getting away with it, while I keep having to deal with the consequence, alone, with anti-depressants and cognitive behavioral therapy apparently needing to be a 'cure all'.
I like to think my reasons are well founded, rational and have been decades in the making. Hence the 'rant' to illustrate this. Thank you for reading all the way to the end, and for any possible advice you might give so I can end my life.
Madison
Ever since 2008 I've been suffering from a severe depression, back then already for - I think - quite severe reasons. My mother died at age 11, not long thereafter my (much)
older brother beat me up in a psychotic state. My father was verbally and sometimes physically abusive, I am transgender and all the pitfalls that brings with it.
My father had a stroke in 2002, and this only further exasterbated his violent, irrational moods. He is, or rather was, a wealthy man, so my (again much older brother and sister never dared or wanted to take my side, for want of his money). In 2008 my first serious relationship ended and it turns out I was horribly gaslit, the person in question cheated and then blamed me for her infidelity.
I've tried therapy, anti-depressants and what have you, but they all feel like treatments for the symptoms, not the underlying problems. In fact, going down the path of therapy just feels like going down a path of incompetence where I am being shamed for feeling depressed and needing help. And it is only getting worse.
Here in the Netherlands you have a suicide prevention hotline (113) but it is a terrible line where, if your problems are too complicated, they have no qualms to hang up on you. Most of their 'help' consists of re-phrasing what you just said and repeating it back to you in the form of a question. "This and this happened, and no matter what I do, I don't feel heard." "Oh, as I understand it, this and this happened to you, and you don't feel heard?"
To make matters worse, I've had a 'friend' who saw fit to keep borrowing money from me and keep asking for help. In hindsight I recognize her behaviour as belonging to a total narcissist. Not too long ago she again borrowed close to a €1000 in total then decided to break off all contact within 2 weeks after borrowing the last amount for unspecified reasons, that I had 'disappointed' her.
In 2020 my father finally died after having been diagnosed with several brain tumors. I was the one who took him to the hospital, in spite of the covid scare, stayed with him at night and during most days. Again he was verbally violent, calling me the most horrible things and blaming me for worse things still. The day he died, he wasn't cold in the ground or immediately, and I do mean immediately, once home my sister took my brother aside "Please don't take this the wrong way, but I need to talk with your brother alone." Were her words.
Not soon after, after our meeting with the notary, the notary in question concluded there was nothing out of the ordinary and it would be a regular '3 way split'. But a few days later however, my brother drove by, calling me around 11pm to get in the car with him. As it turned out my sister had found documents and I was completely disowned. My sister, who I always considered my friend and ally, and for whom I went house, cat- and babysitting on many occassions, suddenly avoided all contact. Effectively cutting me off from her, my niece and I shudder to think what stories she's telling to justify all of this. It also means growing old with the knowledge of dying alone, not to mention my trust is now so fundamentally shaken, to the core, I simply have none left.
I have grown bitter, distrustful, and am left a shadow of my former self. As my mom died at a young age, and my father had a stroke while I was smack in the middle of university (International & EU law) I had to abandon my studies, and I've been working crap jobs at the periphery of society ever since. Often call center work, with a pure profit motive, work that makes me sick to the core.
Ever since April, with there being huge job shortages in vital sectors, I've been applying for help to maybe follow a work-study plan to get more meaningful and fulfilling work. This however all has felt like a totally Kafkaesque experience. For those projects I need to either be a refugee or get wellfare benefits. I however can't get benefits as I own a car, I first need to sell that car to live of the proceeds, when those have been bled dry I can apply again. I have been suggested to work for such corporations such as 'Holland Casino' basically being a mouthpiece for justifying bleeding people dry in their gambling addiction and cross-selling gambling platforms. The very opposite of what I want to accomplish. That the city of Amsterdam actively mediates for this, but not nursing jobs or jobs in a green energy transition...it all sickens me to no end and further fuels my depression and cynicism.
Here I also want to point out that from 2017 to 2020 I had to deal with a very violent and loud neighbor who got drunk almost every night, screamed from the top of his lungs and was just...well...insane. It took me over 2 years for him to get 'evicted'. And things had to go from bad to worse first, 2+ years of little to no sleep, of being waited upon in the apartment lobby and shoved down the stairs with messages like "I'm gonna kill you soon, you fag." The guy in question was however, a 'poor and misunderstood migrant'...it was first worth doing research on his claims whether ot not I was a racist. And when he was finally 'evicted' it was by awarding him a better and more well isolated house so he could continue his drunken rampaging, playing of loud music in all hours while spewing misogynistic and anti-LHBTQ bs. Problem solving in the Netherlands this day and age.
I did get an apology from the building corporation for going along with his claims that I might be a racist, for whatever good that will do me.
In 'short' I've had too much happen to me, and this is nearly not all. There has also been an instance of a near rape when I first came out into the LGBTQ community by someone who had AIDS...eroding my trust in that 'community' as well. Then there is, of course, the state of the world and how the worst kind of people seem to be reaping the most rewards in society.
Now I am, quite simply, done. I am now in the process of selling my car so I can cover funeral expenses and not bother anyone else with that. To tidy up my apartment, find a good home for my two darling cats (the hardest part f all) write goodbye letters to the few people who might be affected by my decision and, hoping against hope, my sister and brother will actually feel a pang of guilt (I doubt it, money has great, soothing qualities for some it seems).
Stockpiling a mix of alcohol, GHB, opiates, sleeping pills and medication to supress a vomiting reflex. Of course I worry this won't be a painless way, or it will fail. In which case I will be sucked deeper into a forced admittance, where my sister and brother will go "See, she is insane, and she is harming us with the stress of these attempted suicides and blaming us for it!"
I want out, and when I do go out, I want it to be succesful in one go - as 'clean' as I possibly can.
I wanted to rant to show this isn't any one thing, and I've been struggling with depression for decades now, and for all the 'help' I've been given, it has only gotten worse while being increasingly stigmatized. I have 0 faith, 0 trust and less than 0 enjoyment in life. People who do the worst shit seem to keep getting away with it, while I keep having to deal with the consequence, alone, with anti-depressants and cognitive behavioral therapy apparently needing to be a 'cure all'.
I like to think my reasons are well founded, rational and have been decades in the making. Hence the 'rant' to illustrate this. Thank you for reading all the way to the end, and for any possible advice you might give so I can end my life.
Madison
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