Help A person is trying to "save" me, but doesn't seem to actually care at all if I die. What do you think is going on here?

[Cinnamorolls]

I have a very confusing predicament going on. I'm someone who does not have any family, friends, or partner and thus no one to care if I was dead. I have been coming closer to CTB this year than any other, being very much at the end of the rope and ready to go. However, I recently became somewhat close with someone who claims to care about me a lot, has expressed distress at the thought of me killing myself, and even cried when we have talked about it. He will say things like "I care about you, please don't do that to me" while sobbing. He says he would be "devastated" if I died and that it would "ruin his life."

However, this person at the same time:

- Does not talk to me unless I talk to him first. Same with requesting to see him in-person. We talk/see each other infrequently, inconsistently, and in a very limited capacity.
- There is no kindness or warmth in our interactions - it's cold and distant, like there's a wall between us.
- Treats me like a burden any time I want to talk or see him.
- Does not prioritize talking to/seeing me. Too busy with his social life (same people, same activities, multiple days a week, every week). Claims "everyone" would prioritize social activities over a deeply at-risk person going through a crisis.
- Does not want me to stay in his life in any manner. Not romantically, not platonically, nothing. He says he just wants me to get better and then go separate ways/never talk again.
- Repeatedly reminds me that he wants me to leave/go away/end interactions with him and that he hopes it won't be much longer until that happens.

Despite all that, he's constantly claiming he cares about me, does not want me to die, and wants to help me. I have never had anyone care about me or offer to help me get better before, so I don't know what it's like, but this all seems wrong to me? If someone would be "devastated" by my death, shouldn't that mean I'm a valuable part of their life that they want to keep around, because they enjoy my existence? What's the difference of me being dead vs not talking to them ever again which is apparently what they want? It's the same outcome!

Am I crazy, guys? Or being unreasonable here? In my view, if someone truly cares about you and wants to save you, they would at minimum:

- Reach out to check on you often, even just through text. Want to talk/see you at least a couple times a week to make sure you're not going through everything alone and spiraling.
- Prioritize supporting you and getting you stabilized over their very frequent social activities (not sacrificing ALL of it, obviously - boundaries are important - but willing to sacrifice a little bit of it instead of pushing you to the sidelines while not giving a shit how much you're suffering every additional day/week they make you wait around).
- Show that they care by saying they'll be there for you, they're not going anywhere, and that they value/enjoy having you around. Wanting you to stay in their life because you're important to them.

Any theories on wtf is going on in this person's mind? I've always told myself I'd be willing to stay alive if I just had someone who cared, so I've been clinging to life because of this individual, believing there must be some meaning to our meeting and his timely intervention in my plans to kill myself... but why am I doing that for someone who just wants me to go away regardless? How do these words/actions make ANY sense?

 

[flightless bird]

he might care about your well-being but may not want a close relationship. it's very much possible.

 

[usernamesarehard]

Yeah, I don't get why men do this. My ex acted similar, although I didn't tell him I was ctb soon. One minute he's acting like he loves me and the next he's cold and distant. Although alcohol was involved when he acted in love, so that might play a role.

Anyway, it's pretty much impossible to know why he does what he does.

He could just be following the societal script and saying he cares so you don't ctb and he can feel like he 'saved' you, so he doesn't care one way or the other.

he might care about your well-being but may not want a close relationship. it's very much possible.

Could be this.

It could be that he DOES care but tries to keep distance so he doesn't get too attached so when you DO ctb, he doesn't feel as bad.

It could be that he actually doesn't care. That he never cared. He hung out with you out of pity and now you're reaching out for more and he can't deal with that.

Also I don't want to hurt your feelings or sound like a dick, but the problem could also be you.

Any theories on wtf is going on in this person's mind? I've always told myself I'd be willing to stay alive if I just had someone who cared, so I've been clinging to life because of this individual, believing there must be some meaning to our meeting and his timely intervention in my plans to kill myself... but why am I doing that for someone who just wants me to go away regardless? How do these words/actions make ANY sense?

-Most normal people don't want to talk about suicide too often. It makes them uncomfortable at best and bad at worst.
-If you're making him your only reason for living, and he knows that, it could be putting a lot of pressure on him.
-Finally you mentioned he also has no romantic intention. Maybe he assumes you do, so he does care, but you're too intense and he feels he needs to set some kind of boundary to make sure the relationship you have with him is clear.

Or like I said, he could just be a dick who doesn't care, but doesn't want your death on his conscience, so he puts up with you as much as he can, but doesn't put in any effort.

It's pretty much impossible to know without asking him.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

I think it's more of a "I tried to talk them out of it" situation, trying to make it look like they were trying to be a hero or savior.

People might stick with you when they know of your suicidal tendencies, although the thoughts of you pulling it off scares them, which can lead to their withdrawal from you.
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In this case, it's possible he doesn't know what to say to persuade you into getting better. Suicide is one of the hardest things to talk about, because they don't understand how our minds function from one day to the next.

If this was my situation, I would avoid that person, no phone call or text, to see if they call or text after a few days of not hearing from me. That would answer my question.