Story A perfect life, I suppose

[sevs]

Hello everyone. First post here.

It's my second visit to this forum and so far I've read quite a lot of different stories. People dealing with trauma, abusive families, mental illnesses, rape, and other horrible things that lead them here, considering/wanting cbt. And reading all of that really put into perspective just how good I've had it my whole life. I don't even have anything that bad going on. And yet I'm here, with according thoughts... So I suppose I just want to tell my story and perhaps an outsider's perspective. Here's my nearly perfect life. Please keep in mind I'm not trying to show off or boast.

I am a twenty-year-old guy and was born into a middle-class family in Russia. I have a loving parent and siblings. I was blessed with normal physical features and normal intelligence. I have mostly excelled in my studies and speak multiple foreign languages. I also don't have any serious mental illnesses as far as I'm aware. I have few friends, but I am an introverted individual so that doesn't bother me much. I have dated before and normally don't have much trouble speaking with girls. I have very good physical health and used to do professional sports. Because of my parents' wealth, I haven't struggled with financial problems. So what's the catch you might ask.

I believe that a person's worth is defined by their accomplishments, or, perhaps, what they were able to do with what they're given. And according to that metric, I'm absolutely worthless as a human being. Everything I've ever achieved wasn't really achieved by me. It was either given to me by birth or made by my parents. Recently I was fortunate enough to have moved to a foreign country to study. Basically, this was an opportunity for me to demonstrate that I can in fact do sth by myself. And since then I've clearly proven to everyone that I, in fact, am useless, as I've failed at even the most basic things. I received second chances time and time again, being bailed out every time, and I just continue to waste them. I've failed a class three times already and will probably fail it again. My thought process is simple. So far I've been nothing but a pathetic leech of a human being and all my attempts to prove otherwise ended in failure. Imagine what someone with even a spec of diligence would be able to do in my position. They'd be on top of the fucking world. So I think that rather than continue disappointing myself and everyone around me, maybe it's better to rip the bandaid off and let my siblings who are the best human beings I've ever met receive the opportunities they deserve. (frequently it's a choice between sth for them and sth for me).

Edit: I spoke with a psychologist recently who said about what you'd expect someone of their profession to say. In short: It's a bad idea. I was also told that apparently, I have depression. Not sure if I believe that though. I'm too happy of a mf in day-to-day life to be depressed. It really doesn't take much to make me feel great, like a good song, or good weather, idk.

TDLR: Privileged lazy fuck feels sorry for himself.

 

[Sparr0w]

i feel you, my family is great, i'm in uni, i get decent grades, i haven't been traumatised... and yet i still want to ctb.

 

[sevs]

i feel you, my family is great, i'm in uni, i get decent grades, i haven't been traumatised... and yet i still want to ctb.

What's your reason friend?

 

[brokenpersi]

Dude, mby just try psychedelics? Im 100 % serious right know. It can help you understand many things

 

[Challu]

If achieving a certain quality of life could make you happier, why not live on in pursuit of it.

If going through the struggles of achieving that quality of life is too hard for you then choose a different quality of life.

Don't live for the big house and the big car. Live for the small apartment, and a tolerable job thats allows you to do the things you enjoy.

If that sounds unappealing, Then you need to accept the personal responsibility of choosing to do the hard shit to get the good shit.

If you're just too lazy or couldn't picture yourself living long enough to consider either option or any other available options.. but you don't generally feel suicidal, I would just take it day by day. When the depression hits, acknowledge it, come to this forum, complain about it and read other peoples posts... and live on. That's what I did.

I think that routine would be suitable for you to help you deal with your feelings.

Everyone's reasons to ctb is valid.. so if you arrive at that point because your life outlook hasn't changed, then just weigh your options, weigh if a final decisive act is what you really want.

 

[iwantdeath6969]

i have a similar background. middle class parents, never traumatized, and yet i still want to ctb. i'm just too stupid and incapable to deal with life, i guess there are others like me. i have no advice for you really, because i can't figure out how to make it more bearable. but you aren't alone, i hope that gives you some comfort

 

[Dead Ghost]

The only problem you have is that you try to live a life that meets with the approval of others and you don't have the capacity to do so because of the high demands on you that you presuppose from your family.

You simply have to live according to your capabilities, you will be more at ease, you will be much happier and you will not sink emotionally to the point of wanting the CTB.

But you will have to make a good introspection to know yourself well and plan a strategy to build step by step a life in which you feel good.

//

L'únic problema que tens és que intentes viure una vida que rebi l'aprovació dels altres i no tens la capacitat de fer-ho degut a la alta exigéncia cap a tu que presuposes de la teva família.

Simplement has de viure d'acord amb les teves capacitats, estaràs més trànquil, seràs molt més feliç i no t'enfonsaràs anímicament fins el punt de voler el CTB.

Però hauràs de fer una bona introspecció per coneixe't bé i planificar una estratègia per anar contruïnt pas a pas una vida en la que t'hi trobis bé.

 

[FuneralCry]

After all your wish to die is completely valid and nobody should be obligated to exist no matter their situation. I mean after all, it isn't like existing was our choice in the first place. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[GoForDeath]

I somewhat understand, I'm about to get a really prosperous job and I still want to ctb.. I guess life isn't for everyone.

 

[Roseate]

Firstly, this isn't necessarily for you but depression comes in different shapes and forms and it isn't always caused by trauma. It can be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. I feel like that's not talked about much and it definitely should. And sometimes, it takes getting used to, trying harder, and giving it time. Once you're familiar with things, understand the differences and working your way around it eventually it will get better. You are given the chance, why not make it work? Not many people can say they've gotten multiple chances.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I believe that a person's worth is defined by their accomplishments, or, perhaps, what they were able to do with what they're given.

Well, you should probably try changing how you approach life. You say you consider your siblings to be the best people you've met. Is that opinion solely based on their achievements, the metric by which, as you said, you evaluate people?

And since then I've clearly proven to everyone that I, in fact, am useless, as I've failed at even the most basic things. I received second chances time and time again, being bailed out every time, and I just continue to waste them. I've failed a class three times already and will probably fail it again.

What kinds of basic things? What did you find difficult about the class?

 

[Buñuelo]

Maybe you're not giving yourself enough credit for what you have, because in your standards you've had it 'too easy'. If someone that's been through some of those traumatic experiences, had the same achievements as you do, would you think they're worthy of living?

But I feel you when you say you've failed too many times already. They say you have to keep trying and that there's nothing wrong with failing as long as you get it done, but it's not easy to feel okay with jus that

 

[WorthlessCoward]

I prefer Earl Nightingale definition of success: A person is successfull if they are doing whatever it is they want to do, it doesn't matter if it's being a store clerk or a housewife. Which now that I think about it he may have stole it from someone else, but I can't think who

Mind you, even by that definition I am still a fucking failure I never did what I wanted even when I lowered my "wants"