Venting A part of me wants to die, a part of me wants to live - the inner conflict makes me miserable

[voidGazer]

My higher parts hate life, the cruelty of the world: Factory farming, wild animals suffering, the horrors that humans do to each other; I'm also afraid for myself. Staying alive feels like a risk, there is no guarantee that I won't be tortured or sick or lose my mind. And I don't enjoy life as a whole - I'm tired of the daily struggle to maintain existence. My life is easier than most, but all these struggles and disappointments make life not worth living.

On the other hand, a part of me loves life. There are still things that I enjoy, there are parts of life that I find beautiful, and my lower animalistic side just wants to live. It doesn't matter that I suffer. My SI doesn't care about my feelings. I also have a girlfriend that I love and don't want to leave because it will traumatize her; I don't want to do it to my friends and family.

But the end result is I keep living but feel dumb for living like I'm a weak coward for not ending it. What do I have to wait for? Another 30-40 years of this shit? I don't want it. It would be easier if I knew I wanted to die or if I knew that I wanted to live, but I'm stuck in the middle. Which makes me just live a life halt heartedly, constantly scared that I will be put into some horrible situation of suffering without the ability to escape.

I feel isolated dealing with these feelings; I don't think I can share this with people whom I'm close with because it's too heavy of a burden. And I don't really trust therapists as they are not allowed to discuss suicide as a rational option which makes everything they have to say dishonest on a very fundamental level (Like trying to confess to a priest in the medieval ages that you don't believe in god, it's obvious they will try to convince you that this is a sin)

I'm also very afraid of the upcoming AI revolution. There is a chance that a super-intelligent AI could keep you alive against your will for unlimited time, and this is my greatest nightmare. But I can't discuss this with anyone because most people think it's either unrealistic or too scary to deal with.

I live in an insane and scary world that I hate, but I don't think I can quit. I don't know how to cope with it.

 

[Pluto]

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Although our personal backgrounds and reasons are different, I can relate to that. A part of me wants to live - a part of me wants to die - specifically I already died mentally and have given up. Yet I don't feel ready to CTB. Too much hope is left.

 

[davidtorez]

I think many people can relate to this. Although personally speaking, my life is about 10% pleasurable and 90% pain. So definitely not worth going on in my case

 

[fallingtopieces]

My higher parts hate life, the cruelty of the world: Factory farming, wild animals suffering, the horrors that humans do to each other; I'm also afraid for myself. Staying alive feels like a risk, there is no guarantee that I won't be tortured or sick or lose my mind. And I don't enjoy life as a whole - I'm tired of the daily struggle to maintain existence. My life is easier than most, but all these struggles and disappointments make life not worth living.

On the other hand, a part of me loves life. There are still things that I enjoy, there are parts of life that I find beautiful, and my lower animalistic side just wants to live. It doesn't matter that I suffer. My SI doesn't care about my feelings. I also have a girlfriend that I love and don't want to leave because it will traumatize her; I don't want to do it to my friends and family.

But the end result is I keep living but feel dumb for living like I'm a weak coward for not ending it. What do I have to wait for? Another 30-40 years of this shit? I don't want it. It would be easier if I knew I wanted to die or if I knew that I wanted to live, but I'm stuck in the middle. Which makes me just live a life halt heartedly, constantly scared that I will be put into some horrible situation of suffering without the ability to escape.

I feel isolated dealing with these feelings; I don't think I can share this with people whom I'm close with because it's too heavy of a burden. And I don't really trust therapists as they are not allowed to discuss suicide as a rational option which makes everything they have to say dishonest on a very fundamental level (Like trying to confess to a priest in the medieval ages that you don't believe in god, it's obvious they will try to convince you that this is a sin)

I'm also very afraid of the upcoming AI revolution. There is a chance that a super-intelligent AI could keep you alive against your will for unlimited time, and this is nightmare. But I can't discuss this with anyone because most people think it's either unrealistic or too scary to deal with.

I live in an insane and scary world that I hate, but I don't think I can quit. I don't know how to cope with it.

i can only say that you are definitely not alone out there. so many people are experiencing what you're experiencing, because in a way we're all watching this unfold. it's okay to be off two minds, some would say it's a natural state even. finding people to talk with can help you cope, some you may be right about and others might surprise you. i would bet that most times talking is better than not talking, it can unlock shared support for not only you, but also the other person/people.
and lastly, you too can be a luddite;)