My higher parts hate life, the cruelty of the world: Factory farming, wild animals suffering, the horrors that humans do to each other; I'm also afraid for myself. Staying alive feels like a risk, there is no guarantee that I won't be tortured or sick or lose my mind. And I don't enjoy life as a whole - I'm tired of the daily struggle to maintain existence. My life is easier than most, but all these struggles and disappointments make life not worth living.
On the other hand, a part of me loves life. There are still things that I enjoy, there are parts of life that I find beautiful, and my lower animalistic side just wants to live. It doesn't matter that I suffer. My SI doesn't care about my feelings. I also have a girlfriend that I love and don't want to leave because it will traumatize her; I don't want to do it to my friends and family.
But the end result is I keep living but feel dumb for living like I'm a weak coward for not ending it. What do I have to wait for? Another 30-40 years of this shit? I don't want it. It would be easier if I knew I wanted to die or if I knew that I wanted to live, but I'm stuck in the middle. Which makes me just live a life halt heartedly, constantly scared that I will be put into some horrible situation of suffering without the ability to escape.
I feel isolated dealing with these feelings; I don't think I can share this with people whom I'm close with because it's too heavy of a burden. And I don't really trust therapists as they are not allowed to discuss suicide as a rational option which makes everything they have to say dishonest on a very fundamental level (Like trying to confess to a priest in the medieval ages that you don't believe in god, it's obvious they will try to convince you that this is a sin)
I'm also very afraid of the upcoming AI revolution. There is a chance that a super-intelligent AI could keep you alive against your will for unlimited time, and this is my greatest nightmare. But I can't discuss this with anyone because most people think it's either unrealistic or too scary to deal with.
I live in an insane and scary world that I hate, but I don't think I can quit. I don't know how to cope with it.
On the other hand, a part of me loves life. There are still things that I enjoy, there are parts of life that I find beautiful, and my lower animalistic side just wants to live. It doesn't matter that I suffer. My SI doesn't care about my feelings. I also have a girlfriend that I love and don't want to leave because it will traumatize her; I don't want to do it to my friends and family.
But the end result is I keep living but feel dumb for living like I'm a weak coward for not ending it. What do I have to wait for? Another 30-40 years of this shit? I don't want it. It would be easier if I knew I wanted to die or if I knew that I wanted to live, but I'm stuck in the middle. Which makes me just live a life halt heartedly, constantly scared that I will be put into some horrible situation of suffering without the ability to escape.
I feel isolated dealing with these feelings; I don't think I can share this with people whom I'm close with because it's too heavy of a burden. And I don't really trust therapists as they are not allowed to discuss suicide as a rational option which makes everything they have to say dishonest on a very fundamental level (Like trying to confess to a priest in the medieval ages that you don't believe in god, it's obvious they will try to convince you that this is a sin)
I'm also very afraid of the upcoming AI revolution. There is a chance that a super-intelligent AI could keep you alive against your will for unlimited time, and this is my greatest nightmare. But I can't discuss this with anyone because most people think it's either unrealistic or too scary to deal with.
I live in an insane and scary world that I hate, but I don't think I can quit. I don't know how to cope with it.
