Venting a part of me just broke

[waitpresence]

im so tired, i just made a noose with what i had available and tried to at least get lightheaded but it doesnt work, the rope/material i have is just not good for it at all. i could maybe try something else like bedsheets if someone would want to help me figure out exactly how that works or if anyone has tips.

if i could go tonight i would, if i couldve gone on christmas eve i would have, if i couldve gone many other days in the past year i would have but all that is standing in my way is the need for materials and time. even if i got everything and was on my way its possible i could be interrupted. if i could go tonight, i fucking would and i wish i could. i made the noose and tested it out and then took it down and broke down because i started thinking about how my siblings dont even believe that i am depressed or that i suffer or that i am traumatized. it hurts so much to go through this and be desperate to die and wish i could just be gone and then think about how they dont even believe me. my sister doesnt believe that im depressed because i "can go places on my own". can you all fucking imagine if tiny details like that were restrictions to a diagnosis, god i cant imagine being this fucking ignorant about mental illness. it has fucking ruined my entire life and my family does not even support me or believe me. i just wish i would die, i might still try something else tonight, i jsut want to fucking try, even if it doesnt work im desperate and im tired. could call this impulsive, sure, it is, but not when i have wanted this for days and weeks and months and years

 

[Jean4]

im so tired, i just made a noose with what i had available and tried to at least get lightheaded but it doesnt work, the rope/material i have is just not good for it at all. i could maybe try something else like bedsheets if someone would want to help me figure out exactly how that works or if anyone has tips.

if i could go tonight i would, if i couldve gone on christmas eve i would have, if i couldve gone many other days in the past year i would have but all that is standing in my way is the need for materials and time. even if i got everything and was on my way its possible i could be interrupted. if i could go tonight, i fucking would and i wish i could. i made the noose and tested it out and then took it down and broke down because i started thinking about how my siblings dont even believe that i am depressed or that i suffer or that i am traumatized. it hurts so much to go through this and be desperate to die and wish i could just be gone and then think about how they dont even believe me. my sister doesnt believe that im depressed because i "can go places on my own". can you all fucking imagine if tiny details like that were restrictions to a diagnosis, god i cant imagine being this fucking ignorant about mental illness. it has fucking ruined my entire life and my family does not even support me or believe me. i just wish i would die, i might still try something else tonight, i jsut want to fucking try, even if it doesnt work im desperate and im tired. could call this impulsive, sure, it is, but not when i have wanted this for days and weeks and months and years

We understand you are depressed and in pain. We all are. That is why we are here. Do you want to talk about what is going on? We are good listeners.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

I'm so sorry that you are struggling and are in so much pain. Luckily, you have found this place. May this place be the refuge you seek until you can forever find peace. Just like Jean4 said, we are good listeners and are here for you.

 

[jgm63]

Are you certain there's nothing you can do to get better ?

If you're certain you want to CTB then it's best to try to plan properly and think things through. This site should be able to help you do that.