Venting A means to an end. A daye for freedom vs. Date to CTB

[FatalSystemError591]

So TL;DR: Abuse victim in dn near every kind of abuse imaginable. Mental illnesses and a couple physical run rampant.. Married against my will to a man who doesn't love me, am polyamorous. Have a gf, and trying to leave husband. Been stuck at a job for much longer that I wanted due to financial abuse. I'm in therapy and on meds.

I finally got an end to the timeline. If the math is correct, I should only need to stay at my job 2-3 months to have all the money I need to get the hell out of here and start a new life with my girlfriend. It is a PTSD trigger regarding uncertainty. But now knowing I will still be at my job on my birthday when I wanted to leave in October of last year, plus knowing this year is not only my 25th birthday but my husband and I's 5th anniversary. And knowing I never graduated college, have minimal work experience, and have been unable to cope with my issues for so long has really worn me down. A quarter of my life has been wasted being an utter failure. Failed relationships, marriage, stuck at a job I hate, very strained relationship with family, etc.

My girlfriend is the only one who sometimes makes it not as much of a chore to live, but u feel like I'm rapidly snapping. I'm trying to keep my head high and hope I live long enough to be away from him, divorce him, and starting my life anew with my girlfriend ....

But the more I am being a mental punching bag. I'm beginning to . may it isn't important. That i need to finally be selfish and end my suffering.


Thoughts?

 

[NodusTollens]

Sorry to hear you feel like a failure, love. The situation you're in sounds stressful, like there were a lot of things beyond your control.

Based on what you said, I wouldn't call you a failure. But I can definitely appreciate the sentiment. Your plan sounds promising, so why not go for it if you have the energy. Would you be able to wait it out? Though, I also understand being exhausted & wanting to CTB. So I guess it comes down to how confident you are in your ability to push through the next 2/3 months?

Good luck, I wish you well on your journey.