Just wanted to say 'hi' as I'm grateful to have been accepted to join this community that has given me so much support over the last couple of years as a 'lurker'.
I'm female, 47, English and currently living in Surrey, UK (about an hour's drive from London), vegetarian, over-sensitive, have an arsehole of a brother who my parents worship, work in a not-normal/not-generally-accepted field, have been in and out of therapy since the age of 15, and on/off anti-depressants for as long.
There's been so many things over the last couple of years that I've wanted to respond to, rant with, rant at, support, defend, argue with, or whatever.
My chosen method is/will be/would be carbon monoxide (I hold 'Callie', and her posts of her last couple of days, dear to my heart), however, soon after I found you all, something struck me (and I hope it may help some of you); death is coming for me... maybe tomorrow, maybe forty years time... but it's coming for me. That thought has allowed me to accept, therefore, that nothing matters. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I don't have to achieve anything, be great, be normal, be 'successful'... because death is gonna just wipe out the lot... therefore, who gives a fuck?!? This thought has eased that desperate need for escape, and helped me feel I can just chill and relax that bit longer while I wait for blissful oblivion.
Another thing that's helped me is, at last, knowing there are others out there who feel the same way I do; you and your words.
A few years ago, I was in Newcastle for the first time, wandering over the Tyne Bridge. I wasn't even really thinking about death, however, as I walked along the bridge, I started to notice the signs tied to the railings; "You are loved", "These difficult times will pass", "The world is a better place with you in it". I started to think about the absolute reasons these statements do not apply to me, and how dare these presumptuous 'do-gooders' think they can reel off this patronizing crap when they've never even met me! I started to think about how many people have found freedom and peace at the bottom of this bridge, and just how alienated and alone these patronizing words make me feel. I found myself drawn to jump, there and then. In a few seconds my worries, my memories, my pain would be gone. I scared myself and ran across that bridge (nearly getting hit by a car), off the bridge, back to my hotel and left Newcastle the next day. If/when I do it, I want it to be planned and thought over. That voice telling me to jump scared the crap out of me. And I'd never have thought about it if it hadn't been for those stupid signs.
Anyway, what was meant to be a quick 'hello' has become a long ramble, so I'll leave it there. Much love to all of you, I hope we will be friends! xxx
I'm female, 47, English and currently living in Surrey, UK (about an hour's drive from London), vegetarian, over-sensitive, have an arsehole of a brother who my parents worship, work in a not-normal/not-generally-accepted field, have been in and out of therapy since the age of 15, and on/off anti-depressants for as long.
There's been so many things over the last couple of years that I've wanted to respond to, rant with, rant at, support, defend, argue with, or whatever.
My chosen method is/will be/would be carbon monoxide (I hold 'Callie', and her posts of her last couple of days, dear to my heart), however, soon after I found you all, something struck me (and I hope it may help some of you); death is coming for me... maybe tomorrow, maybe forty years time... but it's coming for me. That thought has allowed me to accept, therefore, that nothing matters. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I don't have to achieve anything, be great, be normal, be 'successful'... because death is gonna just wipe out the lot... therefore, who gives a fuck?!? This thought has eased that desperate need for escape, and helped me feel I can just chill and relax that bit longer while I wait for blissful oblivion.
Another thing that's helped me is, at last, knowing there are others out there who feel the same way I do; you and your words.
A few years ago, I was in Newcastle for the first time, wandering over the Tyne Bridge. I wasn't even really thinking about death, however, as I walked along the bridge, I started to notice the signs tied to the railings; "You are loved", "These difficult times will pass", "The world is a better place with you in it". I started to think about the absolute reasons these statements do not apply to me, and how dare these presumptuous 'do-gooders' think they can reel off this patronizing crap when they've never even met me! I started to think about how many people have found freedom and peace at the bottom of this bridge, and just how alienated and alone these patronizing words make me feel. I found myself drawn to jump, there and then. In a few seconds my worries, my memories, my pain would be gone. I scared myself and ran across that bridge (nearly getting hit by a car), off the bridge, back to my hotel and left Newcastle the next day. If/when I do it, I want it to be planned and thought over. That voice telling me to jump scared the crap out of me. And I'd never have thought about it if it hadn't been for those stupid signs.
Anyway, what was meant to be a quick 'hello' has become a long ramble, so I'll leave it there. Much love to all of you, I hope we will be friends! xxx
