アホペンギン
I told you.
- Jul 10, 2023
- 2,202
As the title suggest, I am a new member on this forum although I have been lurking around here for a few months prior to the creation of this account. I have already chosen which methods I will be considering when the time comes but I still need some more information on them because I may fail every attempt because of my extreme incompetence. The thread about my methods will be a whole other story. This current thread is about my life and my intentions. Sorry in advance if it is a little bit long, I am notorious for writing long things.
The start of the story takes place when i am aged at 5 years old. This is significant because around this time my suicidal ideation has started to develop, although it was very minor (thoughts of how i did not belong in this world and how i was sure everyone hated me.) I clearly remember at this time, I felt excluded from activities that my siblings were doing, despite being invited to join them. Guess I was and still am very socially awkward, even among family. Speaking of my family, during this timeframe that i am talking about, they never portrayed hatred towards me and they never verbally or physically abused me. I guess I was just crazy.
The next "chapter" is when i am 8-10 years old. My suicidal ideation has developed a lot at this time and i was even considering doing SH but i was too naive to know how to do it. I have a very vivid memory of myself trying to cut myself with scissors while in school (this was in the 3rd grade) and my classmates were saying "shes doing suicide!" to the teachers. I remember feeling good that they know of my intentions. In addition to this, I also remember in the 5th grade, i'd put plastic bags over my head until i couldn't breathe despite my parents telling me not to, and how i would die if i continued. Even after hearing their comments, I still continued until SI kicked in. At the end of the 3rd grade, though, I got pulled out of school because according to my father, the american education system was bad, and I wouldn't learn anything if i stayed. This is important for the rest of the story and how things play out because my father started to homeschool me, while having anger issues. At the start of him homeschooling me and my siblings (being careful not to exclude my siblings from this story because they also are a factor to why i want to die), he was quite nice to us but gradually, he started pushing us more and getting more angry because we couldn't do what he wanted us to do. Now, I will talk a little bit about my siblings now as the time is probably right to introduce them a little bit better. I have 3 of them, I wont go too deep into details because it is irrelevant to the story but, I have 2 brothers, one of which is very rude to me now. The other two are decently nice, in my opinion but they still take my other brother's side on many things against me. Now, all three of them are very sensitive so when my father got angry, he tended to yell at me more because he saw that i was stronger, emotionally. Granted, I was stronger than the three but not completely immune to his verbal and physical attacks. He thought otherwise. He pushed us lots and I considered myself as not a very smart person, at that time, so i couldn't do anything that he wanted me to do, this resulted in constant abuse.
At this time of my life, I was ambitious, I tried to improve despite his constant complaints. I tried my best to do what I was expected of. He didn't appreciate it, though and still constantly threw complaints and hit me daily. This really ruined my mentality to the point that now, I have absolutely no self esteem and no ambition to succeed in life. Him always telling me "You will never amount to anything!" also fueled the destruction of my mental health. And remember, at this time i was only 8 or 9 years old (its quite foggy for me now so i dont quite remember the exact age i was at the time of this event.)
Now, jumping to when i was 11 years old, I was sure that i wouldn't live until 30. I knew that how I would die would be with my own hand and my own will. I didn't have any methods and I kept everything a secret, in fear that i would be sent to a therapist for my so called "problems." At this time, I had cut myself for the first time, on the hand, it bled a lot but this didn't scare me. It gave me a surprisingly pleasant feeling, the burning sensation of the scar. It was addictive and I did it again and again, of course, these times, I hid the scars better because I didn't want to be caught.
Now present day, at 19 years old, I have found this site and searched for ways to CTB. During my teenage years, I haven't acted much on suicide but i still wanted to do it very badly, to the point that i thought about it daily. I fantasized about when i kill myself and ultimately, I die, my family finds me dead. Again, as the title suggests, i think (i dont remember anymore lol), i have been browsing this site for a while prior to creating this account and during said time, I have found and decided on many methods to use when I CTB. (present day fyi.) I have found that a method that i will be considering will be the night night method. After doing some research, I came across a thread explaining how death is very easy and how they restricted blood flow to their brain with only their t-shirt. I then went to the bathroom and took a hand towel, tied it around my neck and held it up where my carotid arteries are. I could feel the frighteningly pleasant tingling sensation and my legs struggling to hold me up. It was glorious. It was the first time I attempted anything near suicide but I loved it. Soon, I stopped because SI kicked in (fuck SI) and afterwards, i could finally grasp that death was in my hands and i could do it whenever i wanted, at any time of the day, at any time of the year. In addition to this, no one would find me until hours after I die. Which would be perfect for me. I have done this many more times after this and each time it felt better than ever.
Now as to my future intentions, I am considering many more methods just in case the blood choke doesn't work. I am still researching about these methods but if anyone could provide me with resources it would be a huge help.
Ok, now I don't know how i will end this so i will just end it here. If you read until here, thank you, you officially have my respect. I will post more later and sorry for not capitalizing the i's sometimes im typing this on phone and i disabled auto-capitalization so i have to capitalize things manually. Its a hassle. Just like living. In this story, I didn't go into too much detail as to why i want to CTB but i will post more about it later.
The start of the story takes place when i am aged at 5 years old. This is significant because around this time my suicidal ideation has started to develop, although it was very minor (thoughts of how i did not belong in this world and how i was sure everyone hated me.) I clearly remember at this time, I felt excluded from activities that my siblings were doing, despite being invited to join them. Guess I was and still am very socially awkward, even among family. Speaking of my family, during this timeframe that i am talking about, they never portrayed hatred towards me and they never verbally or physically abused me. I guess I was just crazy.
The next "chapter" is when i am 8-10 years old. My suicidal ideation has developed a lot at this time and i was even considering doing SH but i was too naive to know how to do it. I have a very vivid memory of myself trying to cut myself with scissors while in school (this was in the 3rd grade) and my classmates were saying "shes doing suicide!" to the teachers. I remember feeling good that they know of my intentions. In addition to this, I also remember in the 5th grade, i'd put plastic bags over my head until i couldn't breathe despite my parents telling me not to, and how i would die if i continued. Even after hearing their comments, I still continued until SI kicked in. At the end of the 3rd grade, though, I got pulled out of school because according to my father, the american education system was bad, and I wouldn't learn anything if i stayed. This is important for the rest of the story and how things play out because my father started to homeschool me, while having anger issues. At the start of him homeschooling me and my siblings (being careful not to exclude my siblings from this story because they also are a factor to why i want to die), he was quite nice to us but gradually, he started pushing us more and getting more angry because we couldn't do what he wanted us to do. Now, I will talk a little bit about my siblings now as the time is probably right to introduce them a little bit better. I have 3 of them, I wont go too deep into details because it is irrelevant to the story but, I have 2 brothers, one of which is very rude to me now. The other two are decently nice, in my opinion but they still take my other brother's side on many things against me. Now, all three of them are very sensitive so when my father got angry, he tended to yell at me more because he saw that i was stronger, emotionally. Granted, I was stronger than the three but not completely immune to his verbal and physical attacks. He thought otherwise. He pushed us lots and I considered myself as not a very smart person, at that time, so i couldn't do anything that he wanted me to do, this resulted in constant abuse.
At this time of my life, I was ambitious, I tried to improve despite his constant complaints. I tried my best to do what I was expected of. He didn't appreciate it, though and still constantly threw complaints and hit me daily. This really ruined my mentality to the point that now, I have absolutely no self esteem and no ambition to succeed in life. Him always telling me "You will never amount to anything!" also fueled the destruction of my mental health. And remember, at this time i was only 8 or 9 years old (its quite foggy for me now so i dont quite remember the exact age i was at the time of this event.)
Now, jumping to when i was 11 years old, I was sure that i wouldn't live until 30. I knew that how I would die would be with my own hand and my own will. I didn't have any methods and I kept everything a secret, in fear that i would be sent to a therapist for my so called "problems." At this time, I had cut myself for the first time, on the hand, it bled a lot but this didn't scare me. It gave me a surprisingly pleasant feeling, the burning sensation of the scar. It was addictive and I did it again and again, of course, these times, I hid the scars better because I didn't want to be caught.
Now present day, at 19 years old, I have found this site and searched for ways to CTB. During my teenage years, I haven't acted much on suicide but i still wanted to do it very badly, to the point that i thought about it daily. I fantasized about when i kill myself and ultimately, I die, my family finds me dead. Again, as the title suggests, i think (i dont remember anymore lol), i have been browsing this site for a while prior to creating this account and during said time, I have found and decided on many methods to use when I CTB. (present day fyi.) I have found that a method that i will be considering will be the night night method. After doing some research, I came across a thread explaining how death is very easy and how they restricted blood flow to their brain with only their t-shirt. I then went to the bathroom and took a hand towel, tied it around my neck and held it up where my carotid arteries are. I could feel the frighteningly pleasant tingling sensation and my legs struggling to hold me up. It was glorious. It was the first time I attempted anything near suicide but I loved it. Soon, I stopped because SI kicked in (fuck SI) and afterwards, i could finally grasp that death was in my hands and i could do it whenever i wanted, at any time of the day, at any time of the year. In addition to this, no one would find me until hours after I die. Which would be perfect for me. I have done this many more times after this and each time it felt better than ever.
Now as to my future intentions, I am considering many more methods just in case the blood choke doesn't work. I am still researching about these methods but if anyone could provide me with resources it would be a huge help.
Ok, now I don't know how i will end this so i will just end it here. If you read until here, thank you, you officially have my respect. I will post more later and sorry for not capitalizing the i's sometimes im typing this on phone and i disabled auto-capitalization so i have to capitalize things manually. Its a hassle. Just like living. In this story, I didn't go into too much detail as to why i want to CTB but i will post more about it later.
