Mayfly
Dorkmaxxing
- Feb 17, 2023
- 46
This world wasn't cut out for people like me
(ED, SA, SH mentions below)
I can't stand who I'm becoming. I'm still a teenager yet I'm already falling into habitual bouts of sleep that don't serve to energize, just distract. I feel so chock-full of resentment and misplaced anger that I feel as if I'd be better off dead. My parents hardly interact with me: My mother doles out the occasional scolding and my father spares remarks about my appearance that make me feel like a child again. I don't know why you need to mock me every time I seek out something to eat or talk about my body as if you're paid to criticize it… I've been hospitalized for my eating disorder in the past, but I guess that doesn't matter much at all! Even when the world grants me praise I can't accept it. I feel so humiliated and subhuman under the watchful eyes of men: I can't stand the way they look at me. I felt so nauseous and trembly after a stranger approached today, despite his request being innocuous and entirely unrelated to me. I feel so disgusting, horrible, and ungrateful for my distrust, but it feels like it never goes away. It feels like all men are out there to hurt me in the same way my abuser did.
I sincerely yearn to love but I don't have a clue how to. My boyfriend is an angel: He's funny, sweet, sincere, charismatic… I feel so guilty for how I treat him. I get so jealous whenever he does anything at all that doesn't pertain me, whether that be a solo activity or a hangout with his friends. I never mean to make him feel upset for his actions (he's allowed to have buddies!) but I always act strange over text and he dismisses me to let me mull over my stupidity for the night. Just like right now! I always start these petty "arguments" that lead to nothing at all, and nothing is ever resolved because he anticipates it happening again. I can imagine how draining it is on his end and it makes me so fucking depressed. I love him! I'm supposed to treat him with love and warmth and kindness but I always act like a total jerk. I don't have a clue as to why he stays—likely an ugly conglomerate of pity and a grasp for any sort of familiarity. I'm stealing his youth from him by being a needy idiot and it isn't fair. I've debated breaking up with him over this: Because I'm scared I'll ruin his life just by existing. Just by being in it. Because I need to lose the last thing I care about to finally gather the courage I need to end things. It makes me feel so disgusting… he's hinted (he'd never say it to my face… he's far too sweet) at feeling used in the past and, while he's since taken it back, I can't shake the feeling. I cry in bed every day because I know how fucking hard it is for him just to stick around. Long distance isn't for the weak—or maybe just not for the insecure.
I hate who I am and I think everyone else is following my lead. I remember bawling my eyes out as a preteen, wishing throughout the night that I could possibly be loved. My boyfriend is my best friend—in fact, he's my only real friend. I have so many acquaintances and it's so fucking isolating to think about how I can't call a single one a real friend.
I routinely don't take my medication as a form of self-destruction and I hope it catches up to me one of these days. Bouts of unplanned intermittent fasting, self-harm via cutting/burning, too. I've tried to kill myself three times in the past two years and I feel so pathetic. I have these horrible scars that stretch the breadth of my forearms: My boyfriend would loathe me if he saw them. Even just hearing that I've attempted suicide in the past would change things between us, I'm sure. I feel like he hasn't viewed me the same since I confided in him about being raped, something that happened before we even met. I know I'm disgusting, but it's so defeating to know he feels the same.
But, hell, what does one have to do other than type it all out on a forum… Didn't proofread anything: apologies for awkward paragraph breaks and garbled formatting, or if there's some rule I hadn't caught prior to posting lol
(ED, SA, SH mentions below)
I can't stand who I'm becoming. I'm still a teenager yet I'm already falling into habitual bouts of sleep that don't serve to energize, just distract. I feel so chock-full of resentment and misplaced anger that I feel as if I'd be better off dead. My parents hardly interact with me: My mother doles out the occasional scolding and my father spares remarks about my appearance that make me feel like a child again. I don't know why you need to mock me every time I seek out something to eat or talk about my body as if you're paid to criticize it… I've been hospitalized for my eating disorder in the past, but I guess that doesn't matter much at all! Even when the world grants me praise I can't accept it. I feel so humiliated and subhuman under the watchful eyes of men: I can't stand the way they look at me. I felt so nauseous and trembly after a stranger approached today, despite his request being innocuous and entirely unrelated to me. I feel so disgusting, horrible, and ungrateful for my distrust, but it feels like it never goes away. It feels like all men are out there to hurt me in the same way my abuser did.
I sincerely yearn to love but I don't have a clue how to. My boyfriend is an angel: He's funny, sweet, sincere, charismatic… I feel so guilty for how I treat him. I get so jealous whenever he does anything at all that doesn't pertain me, whether that be a solo activity or a hangout with his friends. I never mean to make him feel upset for his actions (he's allowed to have buddies!) but I always act strange over text and he dismisses me to let me mull over my stupidity for the night. Just like right now! I always start these petty "arguments" that lead to nothing at all, and nothing is ever resolved because he anticipates it happening again. I can imagine how draining it is on his end and it makes me so fucking depressed. I love him! I'm supposed to treat him with love and warmth and kindness but I always act like a total jerk. I don't have a clue as to why he stays—likely an ugly conglomerate of pity and a grasp for any sort of familiarity. I'm stealing his youth from him by being a needy idiot and it isn't fair. I've debated breaking up with him over this: Because I'm scared I'll ruin his life just by existing. Just by being in it. Because I need to lose the last thing I care about to finally gather the courage I need to end things. It makes me feel so disgusting… he's hinted (he'd never say it to my face… he's far too sweet) at feeling used in the past and, while he's since taken it back, I can't shake the feeling. I cry in bed every day because I know how fucking hard it is for him just to stick around. Long distance isn't for the weak—or maybe just not for the insecure.
I hate who I am and I think everyone else is following my lead. I remember bawling my eyes out as a preteen, wishing throughout the night that I could possibly be loved. My boyfriend is my best friend—in fact, he's my only real friend. I have so many acquaintances and it's so fucking isolating to think about how I can't call a single one a real friend.
I routinely don't take my medication as a form of self-destruction and I hope it catches up to me one of these days. Bouts of unplanned intermittent fasting, self-harm via cutting/burning, too. I've tried to kill myself three times in the past two years and I feel so pathetic. I have these horrible scars that stretch the breadth of my forearms: My boyfriend would loathe me if he saw them. Even just hearing that I've attempted suicide in the past would change things between us, I'm sure. I feel like he hasn't viewed me the same since I confided in him about being raped, something that happened before we even met. I know I'm disgusting, but it's so defeating to know he feels the same.
But, hell, what does one have to do other than type it all out on a forum… Didn't proofread anything: apologies for awkward paragraph breaks and garbled formatting, or if there's some rule I hadn't caught prior to posting lol
I went through all this already. I've kinda just decided to stay unloved I guess. I just feel used by everyone, like people just date just for the plot. I want to be loved, but that's impossible in today's world so I keep everything to myself. I have so many acquaintances too! It really is annoying 
. Telling people about SA sucks like no matter how much "comforting" I get, it's the unshakable feeling that it was all my fault. Why couldn't I just have prevented it? It took me years to get the story out, such a nasty feeling getting it out. Didn't feel relieved at all. I regret telling people almost everyday…
