Story A joke is supposed to be funny.

[love is abandoned]

I guess this is kind of a mix of an introduction, rant and.. backstory?
When I was 9, I told my mom that I wanted to grow up to be happy. I told her how many of the adults I saw didn't seem nor look happy. I told her that when I grew up, I wanted to be happy because there's too much sadness in the world. Now at 24, just shy of 10 years after being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, here I am on this site. I've done things I regret. I've been hurt in ways that I don't think I can recover from. I've lived a happy life and for all the things that go right in my life, I can't seem to even enjoy, let alone appreciate, the things in my life that are supposed to make me happy. I love my family very much. My parents, my spouse, my daughter, and my chosen family mean so much to me, but no matter how hard I try to be happy about the blessing I have in life, I just can't. I feel like I'm barely holding on for everyone else's sake and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I've tried medication, therapy, hobbies, music, exercise, and none of it seems to actually have a substantial, long-term positive effect. I WANT to be happy. I WANT to enjoy life. I WANT to get to old age and look back at my life and say that it was a good one, but how the hell am I supposed to do that when I can't even look at my spouse and feel the comfort of knowing I have a partner to love and care for, and vice versa for the rest of my life. My love runs deep, but it doesn't mean anything when I can't feel the joy I'm supposed to.
I'm love is abandoned, but you can call me lia for short. I think this might be the beginning of my end. Feel free to respond, ask me questions, or ignore this. idk anymore..

 

[SexyIncél]

Do you have any secret curiosities, dreams or urges? Does life seem boring, mechanical? Do you hope there's a secret world within this one?

When did you stop being happy? What does happiness even feel like; do you have overly high standards of happiness? What brings pleasure or moral comfort?

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, lia. I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. Not being able to find any joy in life, even under good circumstances and with people who love you, has got to be an awful experience. Especially when you want to be able to enjoy those things.

I normally try to offer some sort of advice in threads like this, it's kinda what I do here. But in this particular case, I don't even know what to say. If that changes, I'll definitely respond again, but for the moment I just want to offer a virtual hug and recognize that this is a horrible thing to experience. You don't deserve this.

I'm sorry that your path led you here, but if there's a place to find other people who may have experience with this sort of emptiness inside, this is it. I hope that, be this the beginning of the end of your story or just another chapter, that you're able to find all the support that you need.

 

[6MillionWaystoDie]

Hi Lia,

Your attachment is very relatable.

I'd guess that many people here would imagine themselves being happy if they were standing in your shoes today.

When I was 9, I told my mom that I wanted to grow up to be happy. I told her how many of the adults I saw didn't seem nor look happy. I told her that when I grew up, I wanted to be happy because there's too much sadness in the world. Now at 24, just shy of 10 years after being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, here I am on this site.

What did happiness mean to you then vs. now?
What things did you think would make you happy then? How has that changed today?

I've done things I regret. I've been hurt in ways that I don't think I can recover from.

Do you think any of these things are directly related to your current discontent? If so, how much and in what way?

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all, there is no peace from suffering in this cruel world and there could just never be anything fair about all this. I'm sorry that you are trapped in this situation, existing certainly is so painful.

 

[Archness]

rip

Somewhat similar feeling with me (I guess?). Born in the right place, most variables lining up... But at the end of the day my own low-quality ass makes life utterly pointless. I'm glad you could find success and a "good life". I'm just NEET rn.

Regardless, it feels like I shouldn't have been born, as the one thing that was wrong was the most important thing: My own innate attributes. Would you say something to similar effect?

 

[dendronize]

I've tried medication, therapy, hobbies, music, exercise, and none of it seems to actually have a substantial, long-term positive effect. I WANT to be happy. I WANT to enjoy life.

Honestly this is so relatable for me, including the attachment. I also have a pretty "successful" seeming life from the outside but I feel numb. Currently going to give another go at medication but I've tried a ton already, as well as loads of hobbies and exercise. I wish I could feel the highs of life again.

 

[love is abandoned]

Do you have any secret curiosities, dreams or urges? Does life seem boring, mechanical? Do you hope there's a secret world within this one?

When did you stop being happy? What does happiness even feel like; do you have overly high standards of happiness? What brings pleasure or moral comfort?

honestly, i don't really have any curiosities, dreams nor urges usually apart from the occasional urge to self harm. life is actually just terrifying to me. everything just seems to be getting worse in the world and the more i learn the more scared i get. but if there was a secret adventure to be had in this world, i'd probably take the opportunity to explore it.

as far as when i stopped being happy.. i'm not sure there was a definitive point where it just stopped. it happened gradually over time. i know that i realized i had an issue when one day i had scars all up and down my arms as a 15 year old and thought to myself "wow i really need help." so i asked my mom to help me be admitted to psychiatric care. happiness has always been a a passive feeling to me as opposed to a high that i've seen a few people call it. i guess happiness to me is being able to look past the minor inconveniences of life and be able to enjoy the blessings you've received in life. i guess happiness to me is when the good outweighs the bad but that's just a subjective viewpoint. i don't think i have high happiness standards, i've never been one to need much to be happy, but over time everything stopped having meaning to me. life lost its color and left me with a dull feeling. i'd say that a few things in life that still bring me comfort or waves of happiness are being able to spend non-sexual, intimate moments with my spouse, teaching my daughter new things, anime and occasionally reading.

 

[love is abandoned]

Hey there, lia. I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. Not being able to find any joy in life, even under good circumstances and with people who love you, has got to be an awful experience. Especially when you want to be able to enjoy those things.

I normally try to offer some sort of advice in threads like this, it's kinda what I do here. But in this particular case, I don't even know what to say. If that changes, I'll definitely respond again, but for the moment I just want to offer a virtual hug and recognize that this is a horrible thing to experience. You don't deserve this.

I'm sorry that your path led you here, but if there's a place to find other people who may have experience with this sort of emptiness inside, this is it. I hope that, be this the beginning of the end of your story or just another chapter, that you're able to find all the support that you need.

thank you very much. at this point i've somewhat given up on advice, but the support is definitely comforting, especially knowing i'm not alone in this feeling. hugs to you and thank you again for taking the time to respond.

Hi Lia,

Your attachment is very relatable.

I'd guess that many people here would imagine themselves being happy if they were standing in your shoes today.



What did happiness mean to you then vs. now?
What things did you think would make you happy then? How has that changed today?



Do you think any of these things are directly related to your current discontent? If so, how much and in what way?

of course, some people enjoy their life very much with all the things i have and even less, i feel horrible cuz i know someone else would be better in my place. it almost feels like i've taken a seat away from someone that actually deserves it.

on the topic of happiness. back then happiness was being able to spend time with the ones i love, reading and playing games. now i'm not sure what happiness is anymore. everything has lost its light and i'm not sure if i'll ever get it back.

tbh idk how to answer that last part. thank you for your time though. i really appreciate the words that helped me look inward and analyze my situation.

 

[Viranamari]

That sounds like a painful situation. Despite everything being fine, you still aren't happy. On top of that, you did everything possible to be happy. Is there really nothing that can make you happy? Any secret hobby or desire? And what made you stop being happy? Did you experience any kind of trauma or did it happen for no particular reason? I'm sorry you go through this. I'm in the same situation as you and I have no answers to those questions. I suppose that's the bitter and unfair reality. I hope things get better for you.

 

[love is abandoned]

rip

Somewhat similar feeling with me (I guess?). Born in the right place, most variables lining up... But at the end of the day my own low-quality ass makes life utterly pointless. I'm glad you could find success and a "good life". I'm just NEET rn.

Regardless, it feels like I shouldn't have been born, as the one thing that was wrong was the most important thing: My own innate attributes. Would you say something to similar effect?

that kinda sums it up for me as well. i'm thankful to have been born, but i think i would've been better off not being born at all. i'm not quite sure what else i can say here without exposing more of my personal details, but it's comforting to know i'm not some freak by the feelings i've had. i hope you can find some comfort in the fact that we're in this together. some days aren't as bad as others but usually it feels like i'm coasting at a low feeling with spikes of enjoyment, without happiness.

Honestly this is so relatable for me, including the attachment. I also have a pretty "successful" seeming life from the outside but I feel numb. Currently going to give another go at medication but I've tried a ton already, as well as loads of hobbies and exercise. I wish I could feel the highs of life again.

of course, i still get some "highs" from life experiences, but i view them separately from actual happiness. my doctor is working with me to see if we can somehow get me out of this rut im currently in. best of luck to the both of us. i hope you can find a solution that works long term for you<3

That sounds like a painful situation. Despite everything being fine, you still aren't happy. On top of that, you did everything possible to be happy. Is there really nothing that can make you happy? Any secret hobby or desire? And what made you stop being happy? Did you experience any kind of trauma or did it happen for no particular reason? I'm sorry you go through this. I'm in the same situation as you and I have no answers to those questions. I suppose that's the bitter and unfair reality. I hope things get better for you.

most of the time it's less painful and more just numbness, but on really bad days i see myself as a freak and i wonder what went wrong. honestly the only thing that truly makes me happy is finding a good anime with a deep story. but that could just be me looking for a mental escape. the feeling i get is a pure emotion that takes me back to a time before i lost my light. anything else just gives me short spikes of comfort without happiness. like a bittersweet, melancholy feeling. i did experience trauma ranging from divorced parents to sexual assault (those two are unrelated). so from things that i was caught in the middle of that didn't have to do with me directly, to things that were directly targeting me. i'm sorry you're going through this as well but maybe finding you can find comfort in knowing you're not alone. life sucks and people say it gets better but honestly i think they mostly mean "you learn how to deal with it." i hope things get better for you as well. thank you for taking the time to respond<3