Hi folks,
Just joined, so saying hi. I've been suicidal now for almost 2 years.
Always suffered from depression and anxiety but always dealt with it (now 46). Two years ago I developed a chronic illness and it has robbed me of my life and brought out all the psych problems. I'm pretty much housebound, get 2-3 hours sleep per night and mostly I'm alone. I'm barely coping on practical level and as my illness deteriorates it will reach the point where I'll be trapped in the house with no way to survive. I don't even have a solid diagnosis of the underlying condition!
Things that frustrate me to the point of madness...
1. You are suicidal, you ask for help, all you get is trite advice, offers of medication and therapy. Thanks but I've tried the therapy and medication for over 20 years. It won't help my physical state, that'd be like treating knife wound with antibiotics without removing the knife first.
2. Survival instinct! I've made one attempt. I'm sure many can relate. This final act is NOT something I WANT to do, its the only thing I have left to prevent madness and starvation. But you have to have balls of steel to follow through.
3. There is no effective and peaceful exit, despite what the PPeH may say. The chances are you will fail and end up in a worse state, even with a solid plan. Its just not that easy to do. I think death is traumatic for everyone, no matter how it happens. It may look peaceful in some circumstances but I bet its not to the person its happening to. But those who speak don't really know and those who do know don't ever speak.
4. I used to believe death was the end. Now, after a lifetime of study, I'm not so sure. Nature seems to move in cycles and even if we understood everything our universe has to offer, I kind of have the feeling there is actually so much more. So there's existential fear to contend with!
5. I don't want to hurt my family. They try to help but they can't. They are withdrawing from me because they have to get on with their lives. That is very isolating.
Anyway, rant over...
Just joined, so saying hi. I've been suicidal now for almost 2 years.
Always suffered from depression and anxiety but always dealt with it (now 46). Two years ago I developed a chronic illness and it has robbed me of my life and brought out all the psych problems. I'm pretty much housebound, get 2-3 hours sleep per night and mostly I'm alone. I'm barely coping on practical level and as my illness deteriorates it will reach the point where I'll be trapped in the house with no way to survive. I don't even have a solid diagnosis of the underlying condition!
Things that frustrate me to the point of madness...
1. You are suicidal, you ask for help, all you get is trite advice, offers of medication and therapy. Thanks but I've tried the therapy and medication for over 20 years. It won't help my physical state, that'd be like treating knife wound with antibiotics without removing the knife first.
2. Survival instinct! I've made one attempt. I'm sure many can relate. This final act is NOT something I WANT to do, its the only thing I have left to prevent madness and starvation. But you have to have balls of steel to follow through.
3. There is no effective and peaceful exit, despite what the PPeH may say. The chances are you will fail and end up in a worse state, even with a solid plan. Its just not that easy to do. I think death is traumatic for everyone, no matter how it happens. It may look peaceful in some circumstances but I bet its not to the person its happening to. But those who speak don't really know and those who do know don't ever speak.
4. I used to believe death was the end. Now, after a lifetime of study, I'm not so sure. Nature seems to move in cycles and even if we understood everything our universe has to offer, I kind of have the feeling there is actually so much more. So there's existential fear to contend with!
5. I don't want to hurt my family. They try to help but they can't. They are withdrawing from me because they have to get on with their lives. That is very isolating.
Anyway, rant over...
