Venting A few months ago I attempted but it failed

[curiousbeing]

My method was to go to shore of sea far into middle of nowhere (wilderness) so nobody will be near sea and then drown myself, or swallow something like napkins to suffocate myself. I walked on foot more than 6 miles to get as far as I can from nearest village. I planned that even if my SI kicks in and I end up returning, wild animals will attack me, this is why I chose wilderness and went as deep as I can. I saw people even there, so I had to walk more. I reached my destination, it was getting darker. But there was a path nearby and as soon as I reached it, I saw some car approaching. They felt suspicious, stopped car, told me I am lucky because they never traveled to that place in the past. Fortunately nothing bad happened, they were kind. They admitted that I made a very thoughtful plan

But it was very traumatizing. I posted goodbye thread here only to end up alive. I feel like I am liar, cheater. I should have been dead. The only thing that comforts me is this: that day, I did my best to make an attempt. As we were returning by car, i did see lots of wild animals! So, my reasoning was correct: even If my SI got intense and I decided to return/save myself, I would be attacked by wild animals and end up dead.

But who were they and why they traveled? Well, they were hunters. They said "we felt a strong intuition to travel to that place where you are. It is very mystical and sad for us. We are shocked. God decided to save you literally so he sent us". I felt awkward

My mistake: I walked during evening until night to reach that place. I should have waited until pitch dark and then walk. I was determined, but it was very scary. Dying isn't easy at all.

 

[gottacheckout]

You are not a lair or cheater for not following through with your plan and definitely not letting anyone down.

 

[curiousbeing]

You are not a lair or cheater for not following through with your plan and definitely not letting anyone down.

thank you. On february I still had hope but hopefully next time, instead of wasting even one minute, I will quickly ctb. I already posted my method. It will be swallowing marshmallows inside sea or land far away.

 

[GeminiButter]

You are not a liar or a cheater or a fraud at all. It sounds traumatising to have gone through all of that because it is quite traumatising - it was a suicide attempt even though you may not have taken pills or hurt yourself physically. You went there to do that and weren't able to because of external things out of your control. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Dying isn't easy, even if it's something you feel you really want.

Have you been able to tell anyone else about this? How are you feeling now?

 

[curiousbeing]

You are not a liar or a cheater or a fraud at all. It sounds traumatising to have gone through all of that because it is quite traumatising - it was a suicide attempt even though you may not have taken pills or hurt yourself physically. You went there to do that and weren't able to because of external things out of your control. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Dying isn't easy, even if it's something you feel you really want.

Have you been able to tell anyone else about this? How are you feeling now?

I decided to keep my profile open, everyone can browse and find my goodbye post now. After all that, until today, probably most people here think I am dead but I survived. My life got worse in some ways, better in other ways. Overall, If I ctb tomorrow, I think I will experience less SI than I experienced on February. Thanks for replying to my post
I had a method: choking or butane inhalation just before drowning, winter evening, far away from nearest village. I documented everything (until I reached my destination) on my goodbye post
I really hope this time I won't survive at all
Here I explain my new method: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/choking-hyperventilation-suffocation.207636/#post-3023170

It will be choking probably inside sea, so either choking or cold sea water will help me ctb