I have contemplated this for a while now. I will CTB in January, ideally on the 7th or 15th. I can't take it anymore, but I need 'enough' days to prepare. I have decided to hang myself. There is a nice big tree in my yard, I believe it will be perfect for me to hang. I need to order some rope - I am thinking of nylon, however if there is a better suggestion, please, tell me - On the days leading up to it, I will starve and drink very small amounts of water, I might also torture myself because of how much I deserve it, I will also put a pillow case over my head and tie my hands, so that I cannot escape from doing it, it will be done. I don't care that I'm 18, I don't care that I have a future, I will never experience even a hint of happiness in my life. I'm very skinny, I can't help it. I have both anxiety and social anxiety; I twitch and shake all the time. I am nothing. I am a monster, a diseased and pathetic waste of existence. I am a pestilence, I am a decaying livestock that deserves agony. People around me ignore and are afraid of me, every time I go to school, people don't talk to me, many tell me that I will "shoot up the school," no, I will not harm others, only myself. I do not judge, nor be rude to anyone, and yet, I receive it all. I give up. I am an animal. Now, I need to prepare and rest, and enjoy my last days and holidays on this planet. kyrie eleison
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rabbithole
Experienced
- Oct 26, 2020
- 271
People used to tell me I'd shoot up the school when I was in high school. I was super offended. I never thought of such a thing. I just wanted to not be harassed and bullied. I'm so sorry you're despairing so badly. I hope and pray you find self worth somehow and realize you do not deserve pain just because people are assholes. F em. Live just to spite them if you have to. Anyway if you're in too much pain then I wish you a peaceful passing.
I am trying, I am trying so hard to find my worth. My self-esteem and depression just can't go away. No matter how hard I try, I just can't escape. I just believe there is nothing else for me to do. I do appreciate every instance of kindness from you and others, but, I'm sorry, a creature like me just doesn't deserve such kindness.
I'm so sorry to hear you're "leaving" because you've suffered so much because of this unfair world and people.
I can only wish you the best and hope you can find peace!
Hugs
I can only wish you the best and hope you can find peace!
Hugs
Meditation guide
Always was, is, and always shall be.
- Jun 22, 2020
- 6,089
Hi, sorry you are suffering so much! If you are being bullied it's on them not you. How old are you?
sadworld
existence is a nightmare
- Aug 25, 2020
- 3,870
Oh yeah... they also told me stuff like that, just because I was the "silent kid" and I used to get bullied. At the end they made it out to be a joke... but it obviously wasn't. People are fucking sick and unfair and sometimes they don't even realize themselves what kind of monsters they are. I'm sorry you have to go through something like that. Sending big
and 
stygal
low-wage worker
- Oct 29, 2020
- 1,732
Hopefully you find your peace whichever way you choose.
You seem to torture yourself enough in your mind right now...to the point you're thinking you're worth less than others. That's a really destructive way of thinking.
I wasn't happy in school either...it sucked big time.
Only thing I can say that after school I only stayed in contact with people I actually liked and was able to do more of my own thing. That helped - it took a load of my mind.
Theres not a solution for everyone of course but maybe keep in mind that things turn out completely different once you finish school.
Best of luck to you.
less than
not important
- Jul 25, 2019
- 195
I respect your decision but I do think that there is plenty of time for you to get better.
There's LOT of hope for you, you're only 18. You've learned from the world that you are an awful been. You should try to unlearn that, because it's not true. It's just what the crappy society and world we live in makes us think. There is also time for finding your passion, your goals...
I send you a hug and wish things go better for you
There's LOT of hope for you, you're only 18. You've learned from the world that you are an awful been. You should try to unlearn that, because it's not true. It's just what the crappy society and world we live in makes us think. There is also time for finding your passion, your goals...
I send you a hug and wish things go better for you
grungeCat
Awkward & weird
- Jul 5, 2020
- 1,110
I am 20 and your situation is very similar to mine. People also used to tell me that "I'm a guy who would definitely shoot up the school". It made me feel sad and guilty more than frustrated. Ok, I had a phase when I was reading a lot of articles about school shootings. However I never actually wanted to harm others. Sometimes when I was very upset I fantasized about shooting myself in school but never others. I read about school shooters because partially I relate to them - they were also bullied, lonely and soaked with aggression of society. But that's all, I never thought that killing innocent people might be a good idea, no matter how much you suffer.
I feel you about the twitching. I have had tourette's my whole life and have always been hated for the ticks it produces. Being skinny isn't such a bad thing, though. It sounds like you are too hard on yourself.
It's okay to think your life's not worth living but don't degrade yourself like that.
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