It's OK to delay if you are unsure. I'm in a similar situation and have deliberately delayed for as long as I can bear to. There comes a time when there is either a recovery in the situation, or there is no more doubt about our fates.
There is no more doubt about my fate. One benefit of having severe anxiety is you are quite efficient about processing and working through every thought, every scenario, every outcome.
I have now seen my family for the last time. I hope that maybe I will see my muse for a couple of minutes in the next week. Though I am not sure. I have now wrote out and scheduled my email to her. I am sharing it here because you guys are the only one's I can talk to about this stuff (obviously).. It is as follows:
I am so sorry I have done this, I do not mean to hurt you. Please allow me to explain.
You were always right. I am intense, I am clingy, I am needy. I will never not be in disbelief that I am no longer with you. I think you have seen how calm I can be – perhaps even too laid back at times – but we both know that is only when things are going smoothly. Life unfortunately is not always like that and I cannot react like this every time there is a challenge. I have been so erratic, so self-sabotaging. I wish I was not like this because I know how unhealthy it is for everyone, but it is the brain I was blessed with.
These days, I now have this weird sort of anhedonia. You made me so happy and so energetic. I also know I have many things that used to make me happy that don't directly involve you but yet I don't see the point, the motivation, and I can't enjoy anything anymore if I know I can no longer tell you about the thing that is making me happy, the thing that I did, the goal I am working towards, the thing that I achieved, the emotion I felt, the new friend I made, or the thing I laughed at. Nothing interests me now. Nothing makes me feel. My dreams at night haunt me and I wake up scared. The memories of all the happiness, the love, every small cute thing you did are so vivid in my mind that they haunt me now I am so low. I miss your attention that made me feel so special, so good about myself. I wish my attention to you made you feel the same way. And despite having other good people around me, no one fills the empty void of loneliness that losing you created. I get sentimental and cry over the smallest of links and reminders back to you. You are like a family member to me, but I can't even talk to you. You are a part of the family and I have lost you. When I am struggling like I am now I want to see your face, feel your comfort, hear your words to make me feel better but I can't. I lost my best friend, my other half, my future. I cry myself to sleep every single night. I never feel a moment's calm at all. I am in a state of constant panic. I am a mess of a man, completely lost of his former self. In the pursuit of love I wrongly built my entire life around one person. I put all my eggs into one basket. And now I have lost everything. I would have changed every genetic fibre in my body to be with you but I know why you would not want that. We should be true to ourselves. The problem is I have never known who I am. I have always adapted my personality to suit the people around me because I have never known my own. I am mentally ill like that.
I miss enjoying things but I can't seem to fix it. I have lost all motivation to do anything but try and be with you and that is wrong of me. People lose the love of their lives all the time but the response to it is different. I don't blame you and I don't even blame the situation. The way I have been 24/7 over the past three months is clearly the result of a deep crippling general anxiety disorder, nothing else. I blame the brain that makes me unable to cope with the situation which is probably not even all that bad when you put into comparison all the crises someone can go through. I blame the brain that makes it impossible for me to connect with more than one person, to make friends, and to have social skills despite how much I desperately wish I did. I blame not being able to carry out the things that I know will make me feel better. I don't blame being heartbroken, I blame myself for being a boring, anxiety ridden person whose only ever true goal in life was to be somebody's favourite person, to share their life, to be somebody's top priority. I don't blame the fact you don't love me as much as I love you, I blame not being able to cope with loving someone more than they love me. I blame myself for being a romantic who considers the best day in his life a walk with his girlfriend. I blame my inability to shake off this awful pain, the constant sinking feeling in my stomach when I wake up, a pain that feels like being stabbed in the stomach repeatedly. I blame the horrible disease that is depression. I blame the horrible crippling pain of anxiety. I blame my need to have to share my entire life with one person in order to avoid the feeling of loneliness. I blame the way I need to live through other people. I want to get better and have tried and tried but I cannot get out of this mental hole without you. And that is so unfair on you and you do not deserve that massive responsibility. No one should have to have that responsibility. Previously I wouldn't have said I was co-dependent, I think I proved that with how I handled being alone over the summer, but now clearly I have got to the point where if we ever got back together I would constantly be relying on you and the relationship would never be the same again. You are right that after all this it would never work despite how much I wish it would. I would never work being with anyone again. I would always have these mental scars and I have accepted I would never be the same again. The smallest possibility that you return to me is the only thing that has kept me alive but I now realise that you are never coming back. I have turned you away for good. I have already been so weird these past few months. I have totally changed for the worse and I am only going to get worse.
I've come to realise that this world is just not for me. I am a socialist after all and this is a brutal individualistic society. Teachers, employers, social media influencers teach us that we can only truly focus on ourselves, improve ourselves, achieve optimal success if only we stop caring about everyone else. And that is true, that is the world that has been designed and you must be that way to survive. People only care when there is something in it for them and ultimately everyone is and always will be selfish otherwise they will fail. And this is not a criticism of you. Everyone is like this. Everyone in my life knew about what happened to me but not one person reached out to me except for a text of support which was only in reply to when I reached out to them. Not one get well soon card, not one bouquet of flowers, not one in-person visit, not one facetime, not one conversation about what they're up to in their life to distract me from mine. People you think you care for simply don't care that much back. Ultimately, I will always feel lonely in this world no matter what friends I have. I lied about reconnecting with my friends for my birthday because I thought if it seemed like I was doing better you would talk to me again. In truth I spent it alone. I lied about being back on track with the gym and diet, in truth I have had no energy to do so. I have continued to lose muscle, and I look like a skinny teenager again. I have lost years of progress in months. And it would take years to ever get back everything I have lost in life. My whole identity has been stripped from me and I have nothing of my former self to improve and build upon. I have barely left my room, gone outside, or done anything but stay in bed these past 3 months. I am terribly depressed with no drive to work towards the things I once wanted or do the things I once did. I am constantly exhausted and eating the smallest amount of food makes me need to take a nap. I sleep 12 hours a day most days, even thinking about doing something exhausts me. I am unfit, unhealthy, and have no motivation to do anything. I have all the signs of depression and it has ruined my life. The existence my brain has created for me is one I do not want. I loved life, I loved the things I once did and the person I once was, I loved who I was on track to becoming. And I am so sad I am going to die but I am in too much pain to avoid it.
I have tried everything to let go and to set you free from me holding you back but as you have seen I always end up trying to force my way into your life again. "Somewhere I got stuck on you". It's been a full term without you and I am still trying to do anything to see you again. I don't want to spend years on years hoping you will return. The only thing that kept me from doing this sooner was the potential of seeing you when I packed my things. It was the only thing that kept me going through the days. The only thing I was waiting for. The only thing I have the motivation to do. I wasn't coming here to move out that was just an excuse. I was coming here to see you. To have one last shot at becoming your friend again and saving my life. I can't talk to anyone else like I could to you. And I am on a path to nothing but being a harasser. All I want is to know what you are doing. To know how you are feeling. To know what you are thinking. What you are planning. Praying that you will miss me and want to catch up with me. To want to do something with me. To go on a walk or to go and grab coffee. I can't help but do this sabotaging behaviour that has ruined every nice thing I ever did. I have made the person who was the other half of me hate me. To feel uncomfortable about me. To think I am a creep and a weirdo. And I can't stop it. Nothing else works and this is the only way. It just turns out that I quite literally cannot live without you. And that is ok. I have made peace with that reality. And as much as I am sorry for the pain this will cause initially, this is why I have to do it; My only drive is to be with you and therefore I am scared that all my future has in store is harassing you, releasing my anger and desperation on you, and hurting you further. This is for myself in the sense I do not want to spend my days being known as the crazy, unhinged, bitter ex-boyfriend (which all our mutual friends and you probably already think by now) or even end up with a restraining order. But it is also for you. I am just making you feel uncomfortable. I want the best for both of us and I don't want to hurt you any longer. I am a loser and I don't want this loser to keep you from healing and getting closure. I want you to be the happiest that you can be and I know this will cause pain at first but in the long run I believe you will be better off compared to if I was to be here. I have already seen how happy your friends have made you in these recent weeks, way happier than I ever did or would be able to.
We both promised we would never leave and I am sorry for letting you down on this. I know I could have carried on heartbroken and try and rebuild the pieces back in my life. But I do not want to. I just do not have the willpower anymore. I am tired and exhausted. I am too weak. I am in too much pain. I will slowly get stronger just for my mind to shoot me back down again and again. It will take me years just to function properly again. But I want so much more. I want a life I simply can't achieve anymore. So I am left with wanting to do this. And I believe this makes me a bad person. A selfish person. A coward. And I am sorry. I can only ask that you forgive me. But I believe it is the best thing for both of us. I always wanted you to be happy and I would do anything to make it happen, and this is what it takes. To me you are the most beautiful, sexiest, kindest woman on this planet. You are perfect. I will never have a better life than the one I had with you. I have peaked. And I have always been willing to die for you and this is one of those rare circumstances where the person must commit to that oath.
You were right when you gave me those reasons as to why you needed to break up with me. I did not express my love to you enough when we were together, only now. You were also particularly right about me being your everything and being too dependent. You were. You were my entire world. And leaving me has meant my whole world has come crashing down. My world is over.
I love you, Emily. I know you loved me too at one stage, I really do. And I feel so blessed to have experienced your love. It made me the happiest I have ever been. I guess I never realised how unfulfilled and incomplete I was before you came into my life. I know in the end you had changed or at least to the extent it wasn't enough to want us to work, to want us to keep battling through the difficult, unnatural times for a future together. In times of busy life and stress people naturally fall back to the things and people they care about and that are good for them and I am sorry I wasn't one of those. But that doesn't change my feelings for you. I am in such awe of you that nothing ever could make me not think you are the most special person in the universe. You were everything I have ever dreamed of. You were my other half. You were my soul mate. Happiness to me is sharing my soul with another soul and you gave me the chance to finally do that. Monday, 9 August 2021 – by far the best day in my life. Maybe that is sad and maybe you will think I am a helpless romantic for thinking that but that day with you was the happiest I have ever been. You gave this loser a day which was greater than every other day combined. Those pictures remain long in my memory. I want you to let my parents know that I wish for my ashes to be scattered on the top of where we took those pictures. You were so good to me. Far too good for me. And I will never be good enough in return. You deserve so much better. You have grown so much over this last year and, even though I grew a little also, you have grown at a much faster rate than me and now you are way out of reach from me. You have developed into this more sociable personality and have a very high social status and social life. I on the other hand am still an anxious, lonely kid with no real friends. You are therefore way out my league. I always knew in terms of attractiveness that I was punching with you but I guess I was always in denial in thinking I was on par with you in other categories that kept you wanting me. You can do so so much better in every single aspect of a guy. Looks, physique, personality, socially, ambition wise, achievement wise, hobbies, things in their life to share, willingness to grow, comparability wise, everything. You have already got so many better people to share out the things that you needed me for previously and I am glad. You deserve better. And you deserve closure from me. You deserve to be left alone from me. And I love you too much to deny you that and being here would prevent it.
Even though I wasn't such a good person, I hope you will think of me by focusing on the good thoughts. I hope you remember me and the good times we had together. The growth we had as a couple. The things that we brought to each other. The things we changed about one another. The new hobbies we shared. The life we had. In the end I ran out of things to share with you and you needed to grow further. I was too madly in love with you but I didn't have enough to show for it. Yes, I wanted to do so much more with you but what we did do was amazing and I am so so grateful for it. It was the best time of my life and I am lucky to have lived it.
My last wish is that you move on, overcome this and stay happy because you deserve only the best.
Sorry you had to end up entangled in the life of someone like me. Of all the boys you could have picked you were unlucky enough to pick the 1% of us who are too mentally unstable to live like normal people. I am sorry for that.
- Jamie
(A song for if you ever want a reminder of me – one of my favourites. Love it nearly as much as I love Tame Impala!)
[a collection of poems I wrote in my final weeks are also attached] [
https://1drv.ms/w/s!AhSihhPrU5OVj2kBp89xHIy5q-z9]
