7 days left and im terrified.

[Afterglow]

The joy, relief, freedom, and excitement have faded. All I'm left with is a lingering terror now that i might only have 7 days left, IF I can pull through and actually hang myself.

Im constantly nervous, anxious, and everytime I think about it I start shaking and feel like I'm going to vomit.

I'd be lying if I said this was the ideal situation I wanted to find myself in. I wish that things were different in life.

 

[Crow_88]

Determination!

 

[deadbidaylight]

You can always change your mind. You are the one in control of this situation, so go easy on yourself if you aren't ready. There is no weakness in putting it off for another time. Ending your life isn't a race. Much love and support

 

[AreWeWinning]

The joy, relief, freedom, and excitement have faded. All I'm left with is a lingering terror now that i might only have 7 days left, IF I can pull through and actually hang myself.

Im constantly nervous, anxious, and everytime I think about it I start shaking and feel like I'm going to vomit.

I'd be lying if I said this was the ideal situation I wanted to find myself in. I wish that things were different in life.

Feels real. This is how I expect to feel too. Same method. No specific date yet, but actively making preparations.

As I'm making my plans and preparations, slowly, one step at a time, most of the time I feel at peace. But every now and then the thought hits me: 'It is serious. This is for real. It is happening.' And that thought is just terrifying, and I don't think there is any way to escape it. No matter how sure I feel I am, that terrifying feeling still comes back from time to time. I'm still not sure I'll be able to do it.

 

[Chopper97]

You need to really want it

 

[areyousafe??]

Totally relateable.

I woke up yesterday, and the first thought that came to my head was "it's Monday, it's my last week". I felt happy about that. A sense of surrealness.

I saw my closest friend in the morning for the last time (didn't tell her about my ctb plans), we got smoothies and just chatted. I felt happier after catching up with her, but by the time she left, the sadness and tearfulness set in as I thought about how empty my life has been.

Now that there's only 3 or so days left, I'm starting to feel slightly scared- SI is starting to kick in. I need to continue clean my apartment, finish packing my clothes into bags, upload my Will onto a usb stick, and read up on how to overcome my SI.

 

[CatLvr]

There is no shame in waiting. Are there things you want/need to do/finish first?? If you are not ready for whatever reason you can wait. Staying a bit longer, until you figure out WHY you feel this way is better than being on the verge of death and realizing you are really not ready to go yet. Be gentle with yourself.

 

[Afterglow]

Are there things you want/need to do/finish first?

no there is not. Ive given away most of my possessions, made my will and suicide note, chosen my death dress, and have cleaned my room.

Staying a bit longer, until you figure out WHY you feel this way

Do you mean feel this way as in feel suicidal or feel this way as in feel scared to die?

 

[CatLvr]

no there is not. Ive given away most of my possessions, made my will and suicide note, chosen my death dress, and have cleaned my room.

Do you mean feel this way as in feel suicidal or feel this way as in feel scared to die?

Scared. It might be SI, but it might be your spirit telling you that there is something left for you to do.

I thought I had all my loose ends tied up. Honestly believed with all my heart that my "work here was done and it was tine for me to move on". I was actively searching for the best way to go when I ran across SaSu. Had a couple of failed attempts under my belt by then. SaSu members' discussing their issues and tying up loose ends made me realize I had one more thing I needed to double-check and make SURE it was done. Now I have a new relationship with my son and I am attempting recovery. Will it work out in the long run?? I am not sure -- I am here because of chronic pain issues due to child physical, sexual and psychological abuse at the hands of a few relatives, an accident that left me with a damaged spine and the major nerves radiating out from my thoracic and lumbar spine and aging. That pain isn't ever gonna get better -- only worse. So, while I am trying, some days remind me that eventually all the bad days are gonna start running one right after another, with no good days to buffer them. We will see how long that takes to happen, I guess.

Anyway, I would just encourage you to go over your checklist once again. Just to be sure. And if you are sure, then know in your heart you have done all you can and go on to what is next. You are loved, and you will be missed, but no one who really understands what you are going through will blame you for moving on and finding your peace. It's a peace everyone deserves.

May you rest well.