6 or 7 hours to go. ask/tell. post music. whatever.

[goodbyearies]

The short and long of it.

A couple of years ago something happened to me (won't discuss), that was entirely my fault. Unfortunately the event cost me my family and over the last couple of years has damaged me to the point that I no longer believe I can be in any sort of relationship again. I am fundamentally broken. I have nightmares and I suffer long term depression. People hate me and the people I love barely acknowledge that I exist. I'm fairly certain people want me to die.

Now you would think I could get over all this but I seemingly cannot. I'm fairly intelligent, have a good job, not ugly really, but I cannot connect with people anymore. It's not a matter of money or opportunity to choose a new life, it's a matter of the fact that I've lost my will to live. I'm 45, male, midwest USA. I'm a father or was. I care for people very much but among the people I know that is looked down upon. I am looked down upon. It's not as easy as just picking up and starting somewhere else. There is no leave. There is no happiness anymore either.

I have tagamet, SN, and meto. I'm doing the rest of the day to fast. Then I'm going to do Stan's SN stat method. When I asked for my account here I said I would document when I go since I learned of my method here and I am appreciative.

I'm anxious. I'm going to listen to music and try to be as calm as possible. I'll keep an eye on this thread. Feel free to ask questions or post about anything.

 

[Tsundere]

what kind of music do you like? also I hope your ride on the bus will be peaceful. ＾_＾

 

[goodbyearies]

I've been listening to a lot of Mazzy Star recently. I like all kinds of music though. And thank you but really the bus is a shitty way to go, but I'm tired of waking up feeling this way everyday.

 

[ecmnesia]

hope your derparture is as safe and peaceful as possible.

don't know what you like to hear, but personally, if I was about to leave, I'd listen to The Rain Song by Led Zeppelin one last time. It fills me with peace.

 

[goodbyearies]

Any particular version?

 

[whywere]

I am also from the Midwest in the USA and my heart breaks for you. Safe journey to you BUT..BUT if you want to talk to us here before you do ctb we are here for you. I care, love and have boundless empathy for you. I will terribly miss you and maybe your children will to????? ALL THE LOVE in the world to you. I am here for you!!!!!

 

[Good4Nothing]

I love Mazzy Star.

 

[K-O]

I've been listening to a lot of Mazzy Star recently. I like all kinds of music though. And thank you but really the bus is a shitty way to go, but I'm tired of waking up feeling this way everyday.

hi mate i love this long version, her vs JC.
i wish you love and peace

 

[ecmnesia]

 

[Metalhead]

Wishing you a safe and peaceful journey, hope to see you soon on the flipside.

 

[goodbyearies]

Listening to the original now, good stuff

I am also from the Midwest in the USA and my heart breaks for you. Safe journey to you BUT..BUT if you want to talk to us here before you do ctb we are here for you. I care, love and have boundless empathy for you. I will terribly miss you and maybe your children will to????? ALL THE LOVE in the world to you. I am here for you!!!!!

Yeah that's difficult. My daughter won't understand. She doesn't understand my situation either. It's just awful all around. I love her very much.

 

[TripleA]

The short and long of it.

A couple of years ago something happened to me (won't discuss), that was entirely my fault. Unfortunately the event cost me my family and over the last couple of years has damaged me to the point that I no longer believe I can be in any sort of relationship again. I am fundamentally broken. I have nightmares and I suffer long term depression. People hate me and the people I love barely acknowledge that I exist. I'm fairly certain people want me to die.

Now you would think I could get over all this but I seemingly cannot. I'm fairly intelligent, have a good job, not ugly really, but I cannot connect with people anymore. It's not a matter of money or opportunity to choose a new life, it's a matter of the fact that I've lost my will to live. I'm 45, male, midwest USA. I'm a father or was. I care for people very much but among the people I know that is looked down upon. I am looked down upon. It's not as easy as just picking up and starting somewhere else. There is no leave. There is no happiness anymore either.

I have tagamet, SN, and meto. I'm doing the rest of the day to fast. Then I'm going to do Stan's SN stat method. When I asked for my account here I said I would document when I go since I learned of my method here and I am appreciative.

I'm anxious. I'm going to listen to music and try to be as calm as possible. I'll keep an eye on this thread. Feel free to ask questions or post about anything.

Do you trying to CTB today with SN?

 

[itachi of death]

I like to listen to aurora-murder song when I try to ctb

 

[goodbyearies]

Do you trying to CTB today with SN?

Yeah in about 5 hours I guess.

 

[whywere]

Listening to the original now, good stuff


Yeah that's difficult. My daughter won't understand. She doesn't understand my situation either. It's just awful all around. I love her very much.

YES, it is difficult. I am sorry, but I disagree with you as far as your daughter won't understand. TIME, heals alot of things and ALL humans have the capacity to change, as far as what they think/feel NOW and later down the road. I for one, have like had a disagreement with someone and left teh situation with both of us in a really bad mood. then in x time frame, like a couple of months, saw him again and I was like water over the dam and smiled and reconnected. Same with your daughter, one never know what the future holds and you love her so much and even if she has reservations now, in the future when you are walking her down the aisle at her wedding, on a bright sunny day, everything will be so loving and caring between you two that right now is just a second in time. Again I am here for you and love and care for you. My name is: Walter P.S. I am not ctb or pro life I just hope people make sound decisions is all.

 

[Rn110bg101]

I'm sorry all of this has happened to you, it really sounds terrible.
Good night, I hope you'll rest well and that you'll be at peace.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Sorry to hear you will be leaving us today. I hope your method goes smoothly and that you find peace in the end, whatever you choose to do. Thank you for documenting your experience also, it's valuable information. Sending love

 

[goodbyearies]

YES, it is difficult. I am sorry, but I disagree with you as far as your daughter won't understand. TIME, heals alot of things and ALL humans have the capacity to change, as far as what they think/feel NOW and later down the road. I for one, have like had a disagreement with someone and left teh situation with both of us in a really bad mood. then in x time frame, like a couple of months, saw him again and I was like water over the dam and smiled and reconnected. Same with your daughter, one never know what the future holds and you love her so much and even if she has reservations now, in the future when you are walking her down the aisle at her wedding, on a bright sunny day, everything will be so loving and caring between you two that right now is just a second in time. Again I am here for you and love and care for you. My name is: Walter P.S. I am not ctb or pro life I just hope people make sound decisions is all.

I know what you're saying really. I love her so much. I was the stay at home dad when she was little. I dressed her and brushed her hair. Made her meals and snacks. Suffered through cartoons for toddlers lol. She means everything to me. It's just, it's complicated. Things are very bad for me and I wake up everyday miserable and I go to sleep the same. I only get to see her once a week and over the last couple of years our relationship has changed. I am her father but I've been excluded in so many ways from her life. When we spend time together I feel bad because my depression shows. I don't want her to have to deal with that anymore. I don't know how to change my outlook though. I feel like I'm holding them back. I want them to be happy. It's all I ever wanted.

Sorry to hear you will be leaving us today. I hope your method goes smoothly and that you find peace in the end, whatever you choose to do. Thank you for documenting your experience also, it's valuable information. Sending love ❤

It is important I think. I read so many exit experiences here and they helped me to determine my course. They gave me the confidence to choose. I'll update until the end. Thank you.

 

[greyhound]

Why not just try to start over someplace new before trying to CTB? If you're good looking and healthy you might be able to make some kind of new life for yourself.
I'm sorry, I realize people go through difficult stuff that may be psychologically difficult to put behind themselves and this could be a valid reason to CTB.

I guess from my perspective, I'm around the same age, but chronically ill. Feel that I probably couldn't start a new relationship either. Have a lot of psychological damage from trying to live with my illness. But give me a healthy body and decent looks and I'd be willing to move to Japan or Alaska or something and try to make a go of it.

 

[whywere]

I know what you're saying really. I love her so much. I was the stay at home dad when she was little. I dressed her and brushed her hair. Made her meals and snacks. Suffered through cartoons for toddlers lol. She means everything to me. It's just, it's complicated. Things are very bad for me and I wake up everyday miserable and I go to sleep the same. I only get to see her once a week and over the last couple of years our relationship has changed. I am her father but I've been excluded in so many ways from her life. When we spend time together I feel bad because my depression shows. I don't want her to have to deal with that anymore. I don't know how to change my outlook though. I feel like I'm holding them back. I want them to be happy. It's all I ever wanted.

I have MASSIVE depression, so I have a pretty good understanding of depression "showing". Now 1) You said that your relationship with you daughter has changed. Ok, now with that said only the future knows of course, BUT it might/will change again to where you will be asked by her to walk her down the aisle at her wedding. 2) As far as holding them back, again every human has the capacity to change, love, care and UNDERSTAND. Yes dealing with depression SUCKS, I have had it for 64 years and counting. BUT you are such a caring and loving person, that no doubt your daughter has the same as she gets it from you and maybe, just maybe someday getting to walk her down the church ailse is something that she AND YOU will cherish. Like I said beofre I am NOT ctb or PRO LIFE, I just want you as part of our global family here to make a sound and wise decision is all. Once done no turning back, jsut make sure all the i's have been dotted and t's crossed is all. ALL THE LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING IN THE WORLD TO YOU. I wish since you are in the midwest and i am too, I wish I could talk with you and/or meet you. Walter

 

[goodbyearies]

I have MASSIVE depression, so I have a pretty good understanding of depression "showing". Now 1) You said that your relationship with you daughter has changed. Ok, now with that said only the future knows of course, BUT it might/will change again to where you will be asked by her to walk her down the aisle at her wedding. 2) As far as holding them back, again every human has the capacity to change, love, care and UNDERSTAND. Yes dealing with depression SUCKS, I have had it for 64 years and counting. BUT you are such a caring and loving person, that no doubt your daughter has the same as she gets it from you and maybe, just maybe someday getting to walk her down the church ailse is something that she AND YOU will cherish. Like I said beofre I am NOT ctb or PRO LIFE, I just want you as part of our global family here to make a sound and wise decision is all. Once done no turning back, jsut make sure all the i's have been dotted and t's crossed is all. ALL THE LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING IN THE WORLD TO YOU. I wish since you are in the midwest and i am too, I wish I could talk with you and/or meet you. Walter

You know you're right and frankly you, a stranger, has probably shown more concern for me here than anyone in the last two years. That says a lot about my life. I wasn't important enough to keep and I won't be missed for long. Thank you Walter.

 

[whywere]

You know you're right and frankly you, a stranger, has probably shown more concern for me here than anyone in the last two years. That says a lot about my life. I wasn't important enough to keep and I won't be missed for long. Thank you Walter.

I WILL MISS YOU ALOT. Love and peaace to you my global family member. Walter

 

[itachi of death]

I understand were your coming from and where your mind is at,I also have clinic depression and have two boys,and have had some pretty bad things and situations that have severely alter my life,and I've chosen to ctb when they are grown,so I hope you make the best decision for yourself,your not alone I live in the southern region of the us,may not know the circumstances but I feel your pain and I am here fore you if you need an ear or whatever I hope you decide the very best for yourself

 

[goodbyearies]

I'm going to have a cup of coffee and go for a walk. I may push for a little later in the evening. There is a lake nearby that I like so I might prepare everything and go out there. It's quiet and people keep to themselves. I'll keep you updated.

 

[rt1989526]

I'm going to have a cup of coffee and go for a walk. I may push for a little later in the evening. There is a lake nearby that I like so I might prepare everything and go out there. It's quiet and people keep to themselves. I'll keep you updated.

Shouldn't you only be drinking water at this point for the SN method? And very little of it? Regardless I wish you well.

 

[goodbyearies]

Shouldn't you only be drinking water at this point for the SN method? And very little of it? Regardless I wish you well.

" Remember to consider the appropriate fasting and try not to drink for 2 hours beforehand." -Stan

 

[grungeCat]

I wish you all the best, quick and painless travel and good luck. Besides I love Mazzy Star too!

 

[Brackenshire]

A calm heart and a peaceful journey friend if you decide to stay welcome home

 

[Lordsudbury]

Wish I knew you or your situation earlier than right now because my life and consequent feelings are very very similar. Im scared of SN so never ordered it but planning on partial. Wish we could have had a chat together. I know exactly what it feels like. I guess that's why we're all here. Cheers. Enjoy your coffee.

 

[goodbyearies]

Coffee and walk was nice but between that and not eating all day I got a good hit of nausea on the way back. I think I'm going to take a couple of meto and see if they knock that down.

I'm kind of scared but I know this is the right choice. I'm going tonight.