Venting 4 Paragraphs of Me Yapping

[hikikomorizombie]

it's a weird feeling, knowing that i'm gonna have to kms in abt a week. it's my only logical option & is wayyyy overdue, but it still feels weird. my mom never asks how she can help me/what might alleviate me always wanting to be dead, but she makes sure to remind me to give her the $ for my phone plan since im still on theirs.

i h8 thinking abt the actors & actresses that'll come out of the woodwork after my death, pretending like they knew me & have the right to mourn me when they don't even know my fav color/food/book. esp bc my mom's obsessed w social media & attention, so ik there'll be @ least 50 histrionic FB posts minimum. she doesn't even really have the right to mourn me, tbh. when i think abt ppl spouting bs like 'god bless' or 'she had her whole life ahead of her', & that i won't be able to correct them, i feel sick. that's why i so badly wanted to just go deep into the Olympic National Park & blow my brains out. nature & the animals would deal w my corpse, & i'd never have to be around people again, even in death.

i also h8 thinking abt how life can be beautiful. that there are many reasons ppl stay alive & fight through the shittiness + the odds being stacked against them; i just don't have any, & i've tried to find some. that makes it worse honestly, when u try & are still proven right abt things u didn't really wanna be right abt. if possible, i would've been ok w living out the rest of my life as an isolated hikikomori, continuing to watch the days smear into years with only myself + Mr. Kuma (my teddybear) + my Satoru Gojo imaginings for companionship. lol. i've fully embraced & accepted my patheticness. it's the going back into society & working & having to interact w ppl bs that i can't stomach.

i find comfort in knowing in a few days, if i can finallyfinally go through w it, i will never think abt these things (or anything) ever again.

 

[Mitsumi]

I feel you soo much you have no ideia. There are a lot of actors out there yeah
Your post really touched me, Wish you the best!

Mr. Kuma is the cutest and Gojo is just the best ahah

 

[hikikomorizombie]

Mr. Kuma is the cutest and Gojo is just the best ahah

omgggg Mr. Kuma & I say tysm!!!<3333 & do u like Gojo too?!?! :o i'm concerningly obsessed w him, lol.

 

[Sleeper System]

I don't care about what people say or do once i'm dead.
I just want my mom and brother to be ok.
We know who the fakes are. We wont let them make a spectacle.
In fact, we all want to be cremeted no funeral or anything. Fuck that.

 

[breezeboy]

zombie hope your last week goes smooth.

 

[courtingthereaper]

I've loved talking with you a little and wish you a peaceful departure. You deserve so much more than what you've been dealt

 

[hikikomorizombie]

zombie hope your last week goes smooth.

thx breeze!!! :') here's hoping i'll actually have the stomach to do it this time & not just make it another test run, lol.

 

[breezeboy]

thx breeze!!! :') here's hoping i'll actually have the stomach to do it this time & not just make it another test run, lol.

I don't blame you at all. That method terrifies me. Fear of heights :(

 

[Mitsumi]

omgggg Mr. Kuma & I say tysm!!!<3333 & do u like Gojo too?!?! :o i'm concerningly obsessed w him, lol.

np ahah and yeah who isn't obessed with gojo? he is my fav in jujutsu

 

[fire12362]

I moved down to Florida a few months ago and ever since, I've had family members contacting me always asking me "When are you going to come back. We want to see you." I used to live overseas and they would also do the same thing. Constantly telling me they miss me, but when I'm home, they don't really put much of an effort to see me. I'm not saying that they don't care about me, but it's just human nature. You only ever realize how much someone or something means to you until what you once had is finally lost.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

np ahah and yeah who isn't obessed with gojo? he is my fav in jujutsu

AHHHH FELLOW GOJO FAN ON SASU!!!! >0< omgomgomg. u get it bestie

 

[cryone]

when u try & are still proven right abt things u didn't really wanna be right abt

i get this. sometimes i wish i was predestined to suffer...but ive been proven time and time again that I'm the one deciding. it's painful to acknowledge the fact that I have significant control over my situation, yet all I do is rot.

overall, i resonate w/ a lot of your posts. but even for ones i don't relate to, i cant help but admire how tightly you hold on to symbolism. i hope all goes well. this is gonna sound more like yap but if you ever have a change of heart just know I won't mind.

 

[John-Doe]

i relate to a lot of what you're saying. it annoys me that when i ctb everyone will try and project their personal beliefs onto my death when they don't know anything about me or my situation. people who have never been suicidal don't understand it at all, but they act like they do even better than us. they can only process our death in a way that perfectly fits in with their worldview to cope with it or something.

your ideal method is mine too, i want to go deep into the forest/mountains with a gun and bag of oxy when my time comes. whatever ends up happening, i hope this will be a peaceful week for you.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

overall, i resonate w/ a lot of your posts. but even for ones i don't relate to, i cant help but admire how tightly you hold on to symbolism. i hope all goes well. this is gonna sound more like yap but if you ever have a change of heart just know I won't mind.

wow :') tysm. that made my chest hurt, in a good way. & it didn't sound like yap @ all!! that's the 1st time in years any1's expressed to me that they'd be glad if i stayed alivelol.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Wishing you the best if you go through with your plans. I hope you can find peace from this awful world.

 

[throneofdispair03]

An awful world we have >:(. I wish you the best with your plans

 

[Mitsumi]

AHHHH FELLOW GOJO FAN ON SASU!!!! >0< omgomgomg. u get it bestie

btw do you read the manga?

 

[Labyrinth]

The frustration of not having anyone who knows you is great. Loneliness makes you hide your feelings with an intransparent cloak. Living without purpose and not belonging anywhere is the result of existential emptiness.

Darkness settled in my mind. No matter how hard I try, it seems like I will never be better and nothing will change. Although the future is unpredictable, it is as if falling ill and dying alone were inexorable.

Knowing that other unknown people share the same pain is my only consolation. Maybe it's worth visiting therapy to make sure all options have been exhausted?

 

[hikikomorizombie]

The frustration of not having anyone who knows you is great.

yes!!! u get it. it's v disconcerting, 1 of the few things that can actually still bother me, if I let myself think about it.

Maybe it's worth visiting therapy to make sure all options have been exhausted?

100%! i'm a firm believer in exhausting all options before ctb. i have, & i think it really helps knowing that kys is ur only logical option left, bc you've genuinely tried everything else. since i tried everything you're supposed to to 'be better'/'recover' to no avail, i now truly know that death is my life's purpose, lol. it's the best thing for me.

 

[shrusho]

u could maybe post something on ur own personal facebook before u die where u call people out lol. that is if you don't think it would destroy ur mom/if ur ok with tht happening.
id love to write something telling my mom it's her fault i'm dead but i feel like she'd go and do something crazy n i have 2 younger brothers she still has to take care of so i've decided against it. but her going behind ur back and lying about u and lying about caring is so aggrivating and honeslty disrespectful

 

[hikikomorizombie]

btw do you read the manga?

we doth not speak of chap236lol. i can't lie, i'm a Gojo fan not a jjk fan, so i just dropped it when ~that~ happenedwho's ur 2nd fav??

id love to write something telling my mom it's her fault i'm dead

yeah, i considered leaving a note for my mom too, explaining how she rlly didn't help me much @ all in any substantial way. decided not to bc ik she's not capable of comprehending it, & would prob just use it for more social media attention/make herself seem like a victim :p ig i just gotta accept that no1 will really understand my suicide, lol. i'm sorry u can relate

 

[Mitsumi]

we doth not speak of chap236lol. i can't lie, i'm a Gojo fan not a jjk fan, so i just dropped it when ~that~ happenedwho's ur 2nd fav??

I don't follow the manga but still found out. hmmm I like Nobara and Miwa

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I hope that you find peace whether you end up going through it or not. I wish you the best of luck

 

[drella]

gl! im worried too about any attention it will get afterwards, but then i realize i just won't care. the closer it gets, the more i feel like a cat that's going away to hide n die. i hope ur able to find peace!

 

[wondering&wandering]

it's a weird feeling, knowing that i'm gonna have to kms in abt a week.

Yeah, the idea of death, and even life too (being sentient) was always strange to me, too, lol.

i would've been ok w living out the rest of my life as an isolated hikikomori, continuing to watch the days smear into years with only myself + Mr. Kuma (my teddybear) + my Satoru Gojo imaginings for companionship. lol. i've fully embraced & accepted my patheticness. it's the going back into society & working & having to interact w ppl bs that i can't stomach.

I don't think you're pathetic, hiki. We all have certain things we're good at and things we're bad at. Whatever you choose to do, I hope you do so knowing you're not pathetic. Maybe some people would think you are, but there will always be haters and people who have no room for loving people different from themselves.

i find comfort in knowing in a few days, if i can finallyfinally go through w it, i will never think abt these things (or anything) ever again.

I'll miss seeing you around on SS, but I especially hope you find your comfort and peace in these coming days.

 

[BrainShower]

You seem like a cool person, I'll hate to see you go but I'll be happy for you that you don't have to put up with all the bullshit anymore.