4 days left

[burninghill]

Recently I've been lying awake every night with intrusive thoughts about myself and other people getting hurt.

When I'm not awake, I'm having nightmares of people killing themselves. It sucks but it's been this way since I was 13. I think my suicidality as a whole is one big intrusive thought. To kill myself is an urge I've had for many years, though not necessarily a thought I've ever tried to resist, so maybe it's not intrusive, maybe it's just some kind of gross infatuation.

I have 4 days left to live and I am seeing my boyfriend and two close friends tomorrow, this is the last time I will see any of them. I will spend the following 2 days by myself and kill myself on the 4th day (June 12th) via train decapitation.

I've been thinking a lot about my future and what I want out of life and I really don't see anything here for me. I don't enjoy anything and I don't want to put effort in. I do want to enjoy living, just not as this disgusting shell of a person. I wish that I was somebody else with this perfect life. Nothing is fulfilling for me. I have everything and feel nothing.

It has been almost a year since my first attempt, which was July 20th.

Please message me if you'd like to keep me company. Or leave a reply in this thread.

 

[cutelamb22]

Hello I would

 

[burninghill]

Hello I would

I wish I could but I don't think you have enough experience on your account to receive messages. I actually recognise some of your posts and your username. What do you study at university?

 

[cutelamb22]

I wish I could but I don't think you have enough experience on your account to receive messages. I actually recognise some of your posts and your username. What do you study at university?

I'm studying law and history. Yeah I only made this account recently and I don't understand the site all that well. Thank you for replying to me

 

[burninghill]

I'm studying law and history. Yeah I only made this account recently and I don't understand the site all that well. Thank you for replying to me

How's it going for you? I'm in university currently for painting and have a few friends who have studied more academic subjects, it's no joke

 

[ForeverUnknown]

Nothing is fulfilling for me. I have everything and feel nothing.

I don't wish for you to kys. I hope nothing but the best for you. But when I read these lines, I could see myself in them. Ig on that front we are the same.

 

[burninghill]

I don't wish for you to kys. I hope nothing but the best for you. But when I read these lines, I could see myself in them. Ig on that front we are the same.

I'm sorry that you feel similarly. It's difficult, I just feel so empty eventhough I have everything I could ever want.

 

[cutelamb22]

How's it going for you? I'm in university currently for painting and have a few friends who have studied more academic subjects, it's no joke

Since I've been depressed I've really done no work since the first week. I went to all my classes then and just stopped and started playing games. I haven't been honest like that with anyone. My exams are in a few days and I'll do terrible. I hate myself for it so much and feel so useless. I feel so guilty about it. I do enjoy studying I just don't know what happened

 

[burninghill]

Since I've been depressed I've really done no work since the first week. I went to all my classes then and just stopped and started playing games. I haven't been honest like that with anyone. My exams are in a few days and I'll do terrible. I hate myself for it so much and feel so useless. I feel so guilty about it. I do enjoy studying I just don't know what happened

Please don't feel guilty. My studies have slipped a lot in the last year too. It's hard for some people to understand the way your motivation can slip when you're depressed or suicidal, but I'm sure everyone on here does. Most people don't even go to university, so you're already doing really well for yourself and it's clear that you're not trying to let anyone down.

 

[youremy]

Have you considered going out to a nice place in nature where you could just skim the material? And then promise yourself to trying an refresh just one chapter?

Or do you consider yourself utterly bedridden..? How bad is it?

When it's not fully on bed-rotting, unable-to-eat depression, then the smallest step like this can really help. I know this message might make you cringe and want to curl up in your blanket, but sometimes this can be the difference between a streak of days feeling like utter shit and one day feeling "wow, okay. that wasn't so bad".

And you won't make significant progress. But you'll place one green mark on the calendar that's been turning darker and darker shades of red over the past week.

The walk won't do you harm either. Just a short one.

Hang in there, king.

 

[cutelamb22]

Please don't feel guilty. My studies have slipped a lot in the last year too. It's hard for some people to understand the way your motivation can slip when you're depressed or suicidal, but I'm sure everyone on here does. Most people don't even go to university, so you're already doing really well for yourself and it's clear that you're not trying to let anyone down.

Thank you I appreciate it more than you know. I wish everyone else was understanding like you. By the way I love neon genesis evangelion also

 

[burninghill]

Have you considered going out to a nice place in nature where you could just skim the material? And then promise yourself to trying an refresh just one chapter?

Or do you consider yourself utterly bedridden..? How bad is it?

When it's not fully on bed-rotting, unable-to-eat depression, then the smallest step like this can really help. I know this message might make you cringe and want to curl up in your blanket, but sometimes this can be the difference between a streak of days feeling like utter shit and one day feeling "wow, okay. that wasn't so bad".

And you won't make significant progress. But you'll place one green mark on the calendar that's been turning darker and darker shades of red over the past week.

The walk won't do you harm either. Just a short one.

Hang in there, king.

I go out fairly frequently. I'm still going out with my friends around every week and I've spent some time to myself in nature. It is nice, but I really don't feel anything for it.

I remember when I used to feel something, like I could look at a view and feel fulfilled just because it was beautiful. It makes me feel really horrible that I don't care about that kind of thing anymore. I don't know if this is better or worse than being bedridden.

I promised myself I'd live a bit longer when I abandoned my attempt date in late April. It feels so hopeless, I feel like I'm constantly throwing a ball to the same dog and just waiting for it to be brought back. I always end up suicidal again one way or another.

I agree with you that it comes off as cringey advice, but forcing yourself out of bed can really help. Luckily I haven't been that bad since around September of last year.

I really appreciate your message. It's really nice.

Thank you I appreciate it more than you know. I wish everyone else was understanding like you. By the way I love neon genesis evangelion also

Oh awesome!! NGE is so cool. What other shows are you into?

 

[cutelamb22]

I go out fairly frequently. I'm still going out with my friends around every week and I've spent some time to myself in nature. It is nice, but I really don't feel anything for it.

I remember when I used to feel something, like I could look at a view and feel fulfilled just because it was beautiful. It makes me feel really horrible that I don't care about that kind of thing anymore. I don't know if this is better or worse than being bedridden.

I promised myself I'd live a bit longer when I abandoned my attempt date in late April. It feels so hopeless, I feel like I'm constantly throwing a ball to the same dog and just waiting for it to be brought back. I always end up suicidal again one way or another.

I agree with you that it comes off as cringey advice, but forcing yourself out of bed can really help. Luckily I haven't been that bad since around September of last year.

I really appreciate your message. It's really nice.

Oh awesome!! NGE is so cool. What other shows are you into?

I like a lot of anime. Madoka magica is my favourite I think, and hxh. What about you?