Hello everyone. First, thanks to the admins for maintaining this place of free speech inside this crazy world that denies people's right to dispose of their lives the way they will.
Lemme introduce a bit myself, if you will. I'm a 32 years old, male, European, non-native English speaker, single-child.
I've grown up in a fusional relationship with my mother, which made me implore her not to socialise me in kindergartens and skip my first year of school. Following this, I always had an excessively shy personality, unable to make friends until recently. I also was raised with values of hard-work, be serious at school, etc. which is a good thing, but isolated me from the other kids. I was the fat brainiac boy wearing overlarge sacks, sitting at the first row and spending recess alone in his corner talking to himself.
For this reason I haven't got any actual friends before I turned 18. At this point I began to feel interested in a very few people but as I knew nothing about how to deal with them, these friendships never lasted long and kept ending in a catastrophic way. Sometimes I've been kicked out for stupid mistakes I made, sometimes I've been the one doing so for stupid reasons, mostly having my insanely high expectations not met. I got my very first long-lasting friend just before turning 26 — nowadays I just have a bit more than one handful overall. My lack of experience, my successive failures even after I got this one, plus the fact that there's a huge distance between us (several thousand kms) make me doubt of her so often, whenever I don't get news from her or anything, I keep thinking that I did something wrong, or that she just lost interest in me. I'm so glad that in spite of the umpteen times that happened, she never let me down.
Aside from that, I'm also a failure at work. Despite my brillant studies, I chose a short length path in a vocational college because studying became annoying to me. I chose a path that I genuinely enjoyed though, but I discovered that the high employment rates that I've been promised included just any kind of odd jobs and that pretty much no-one without some recommendation could work in the positions we were supposed to get. So I lowered my expectations and while remaining in the same field, chose to start from the bottom of the ladder. After a few years I figured out that I wasn't even skilled for that, that there were no hopes of climbing the hierarchy, and on top of that, that my health got impacted by this job.
I restarted with a new occupation in a totally different field. The problem is, whichever job I'll do (I also indeed did a few odd jobs before and after the first one), I'll never be both skilled and interested enough. I have a lot of interests, but none is powerful enough to make me skilled at them and want to make a living from them. My current work is so-so, not that bad but I'm not really interested in it, I'm still doing crap and I know there's no hope to improve, and no better alternative for me.
I mentioned my health issues. Along with my broken back from my first long-time work and insomnia, I have an excessive exhaustion that may come from some blood anomaly and dizziness, both of them with no diagnosed source after lots of exams.
Ah, and finally. You can say I'm in incel. Never went out with any girl. I've always been way too ugly and boring to trigger interest from any girl or woman. I got used to it, understood that there never would be any chance to live with anyone, and honestly I'm managing this loneliness pretty well, most of the time. I'm convinced that any one wanting to live with me would soon get disillusioned anyway. I'm a bitch to live with, having been always only-child, isolated and single. I just don't mind it, but I'm surprising myself to be missing it on very rare occasions. But with my peaceful nature (I'm probably the less manly guy around), I would never do anything against a woman. Don't mistake me with the incel shooters, please. I'm already so glad I've finally got a few friends, I know that's all the social activity I can get so I wanna make the most of it and I treasure those friends of mine who are female like goddesses.
When all of these factors come piling up in my mind, that's when the darkness surrounds me. I constantly feel worthless and hopeless of course, but when everything comes at the same time, I desperately feel like going away. That feeling never lasts more than a few days — my latest episode began last Thursday and I recovered by Saturday — so I get back to my usual self pretty fast but deep down inside I keep feeling this despair all the time. I'm planning to watch some video tutorials on how to boost my assertiveness and to go consult a psy but I wonder if this would really help solve the problem or just throw the dirt under the carpet.
Also I finally decided to show my inner pain more in a fashion statement. I used to be overly cautious about how people look at and judge me but awkwardly, it no longer bothers me since I decide to go goth and enjoy piercing or having someone else pierce my body, which feels like some "preventive healing pain".
Ah, I forgot to mention. One of my failed attempts at friendship already included trying to ctb. Tried to jump from the window of my room on the 4th floor. My SI was still too powerful and my parents caught me before I could muster the courage to do it. Spent one week in a psy ward, it wasn't as horrible as what I could read from some testimonies here but still. Never again.
If I wanna solve the problem the "good" way, I also keep considering the other way. SN indeed looks promising. I may have found a provider, which although seemingly totally legal still involves a shady webshop. Other stuff should be piece of cake. I already have some of the medicine due to the aforementioned health issues. I just need to fight my SI and order the SN. And hope that when time comes, I'll be able to do it.
The only ones who are going to miss me are my parents. My dad is sick himself and his only will for life is me. I'm convinced that if I go, he'll be able to do it as well in total peace, naturally. Even if thinking of it still breaks my heart. What I think really keeps me from doing it is my mom. I know she'll cry her eyes out. I'm not too close with the rest of my family. As for my friends, the distance makes that they would probably not notice it before weeks, or even months. I don't think most of them would miss me much. The only one I'm worried for is the one I already mentioned, since she's herself having backgrounds of depression and suicidal thoughts, I don't want her to get back into such an episode. As she once said: "we're suicidal kids trying to convince each other that suicide isn't a solution". But I think that if she gets radio silence from me, she wouldn't be able to learn why, and she'll assume it's just my usual doubts making me cut ties with her, for good this time. (I think I should show her this message, though.)
Sorry, it's been a really, really, too long post. I needed a safe place to vent out all this, though. Thank you again for letting me write and, if you did, for reading this. Hope I can get some help to get better, either by fighting or by silencing these pains of life.
Lemme introduce a bit myself, if you will. I'm a 32 years old, male, European, non-native English speaker, single-child.
I've grown up in a fusional relationship with my mother, which made me implore her not to socialise me in kindergartens and skip my first year of school. Following this, I always had an excessively shy personality, unable to make friends until recently. I also was raised with values of hard-work, be serious at school, etc. which is a good thing, but isolated me from the other kids. I was the fat brainiac boy wearing overlarge sacks, sitting at the first row and spending recess alone in his corner talking to himself.
For this reason I haven't got any actual friends before I turned 18. At this point I began to feel interested in a very few people but as I knew nothing about how to deal with them, these friendships never lasted long and kept ending in a catastrophic way. Sometimes I've been kicked out for stupid mistakes I made, sometimes I've been the one doing so for stupid reasons, mostly having my insanely high expectations not met. I got my very first long-lasting friend just before turning 26 — nowadays I just have a bit more than one handful overall. My lack of experience, my successive failures even after I got this one, plus the fact that there's a huge distance between us (several thousand kms) make me doubt of her so often, whenever I don't get news from her or anything, I keep thinking that I did something wrong, or that she just lost interest in me. I'm so glad that in spite of the umpteen times that happened, she never let me down.
Aside from that, I'm also a failure at work. Despite my brillant studies, I chose a short length path in a vocational college because studying became annoying to me. I chose a path that I genuinely enjoyed though, but I discovered that the high employment rates that I've been promised included just any kind of odd jobs and that pretty much no-one without some recommendation could work in the positions we were supposed to get. So I lowered my expectations and while remaining in the same field, chose to start from the bottom of the ladder. After a few years I figured out that I wasn't even skilled for that, that there were no hopes of climbing the hierarchy, and on top of that, that my health got impacted by this job.
I restarted with a new occupation in a totally different field. The problem is, whichever job I'll do (I also indeed did a few odd jobs before and after the first one), I'll never be both skilled and interested enough. I have a lot of interests, but none is powerful enough to make me skilled at them and want to make a living from them. My current work is so-so, not that bad but I'm not really interested in it, I'm still doing crap and I know there's no hope to improve, and no better alternative for me.
I mentioned my health issues. Along with my broken back from my first long-time work and insomnia, I have an excessive exhaustion that may come from some blood anomaly and dizziness, both of them with no diagnosed source after lots of exams.
Ah, and finally. You can say I'm in incel. Never went out with any girl. I've always been way too ugly and boring to trigger interest from any girl or woman. I got used to it, understood that there never would be any chance to live with anyone, and honestly I'm managing this loneliness pretty well, most of the time. I'm convinced that any one wanting to live with me would soon get disillusioned anyway. I'm a bitch to live with, having been always only-child, isolated and single. I just don't mind it, but I'm surprising myself to be missing it on very rare occasions. But with my peaceful nature (I'm probably the less manly guy around), I would never do anything against a woman. Don't mistake me with the incel shooters, please. I'm already so glad I've finally got a few friends, I know that's all the social activity I can get so I wanna make the most of it and I treasure those friends of mine who are female like goddesses.
When all of these factors come piling up in my mind, that's when the darkness surrounds me. I constantly feel worthless and hopeless of course, but when everything comes at the same time, I desperately feel like going away. That feeling never lasts more than a few days — my latest episode began last Thursday and I recovered by Saturday — so I get back to my usual self pretty fast but deep down inside I keep feeling this despair all the time. I'm planning to watch some video tutorials on how to boost my assertiveness and to go consult a psy but I wonder if this would really help solve the problem or just throw the dirt under the carpet.
Also I finally decided to show my inner pain more in a fashion statement. I used to be overly cautious about how people look at and judge me but awkwardly, it no longer bothers me since I decide to go goth and enjoy piercing or having someone else pierce my body, which feels like some "preventive healing pain".
Ah, I forgot to mention. One of my failed attempts at friendship already included trying to ctb. Tried to jump from the window of my room on the 4th floor. My SI was still too powerful and my parents caught me before I could muster the courage to do it. Spent one week in a psy ward, it wasn't as horrible as what I could read from some testimonies here but still. Never again.
If I wanna solve the problem the "good" way, I also keep considering the other way. SN indeed looks promising. I may have found a provider, which although seemingly totally legal still involves a shady webshop. Other stuff should be piece of cake. I already have some of the medicine due to the aforementioned health issues. I just need to fight my SI and order the SN. And hope that when time comes, I'll be able to do it.
The only ones who are going to miss me are my parents. My dad is sick himself and his only will for life is me. I'm convinced that if I go, he'll be able to do it as well in total peace, naturally. Even if thinking of it still breaks my heart. What I think really keeps me from doing it is my mom. I know she'll cry her eyes out. I'm not too close with the rest of my family. As for my friends, the distance makes that they would probably not notice it before weeks, or even months. I don't think most of them would miss me much. The only one I'm worried for is the one I already mentioned, since she's herself having backgrounds of depression and suicidal thoughts, I don't want her to get back into such an episode. As she once said: "we're suicidal kids trying to convince each other that suicide isn't a solution". But I think that if she gets radio silence from me, she wouldn't be able to learn why, and she'll assume it's just my usual doubts making me cut ties with her, for good this time. (I think I should show her this message, though.)
Sorry, it's been a really, really, too long post. I needed a safe place to vent out all this, though. Thank you again for letting me write and, if you did, for reading this. Hope I can get some help to get better, either by fighting or by silencing these pains of life.
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