How do you do it!?! I've been suffering for 32 years with OCD, Depression, Anxiety etc . . . I have had ECT 36 times and TMS 72 times! I have taken 30+ different medications over my life and nothing helped. Then it escalated when my wife three years ago shocked me by basically revealing she was not the person she had told me she was for 23+ years lying to me or misleading me for 6 months however you want to see it. . . . Then 6 months ago I was diagnosed with a heart condition having me run around getting test after test after test revealing I have a Left Bundle Branch Block. . . During that time we had our tenants in our home turn to squatters, stopped paying rent and turned us into the board of health for false claims to further them living for free while we lived in an RV in a friend's yard with no plumbing, little heat and little electricity. . . . the little savings we had is completely gone and we are currently paying for life with credit cards!! Then I had a colonoscopy that revealed I need further testing which I can't do because of my total fear of any medical procedure at this point because my nerves are completely shot to put it lightly. And to make everything that much better my life long friend of 48 years (I'm actually 48 and have known him for my entire life) has complained of back pains for 2 years. During that time frame he received several treatments to deal with the back pain only to have it revealed that its stage four cancer having a tumor on his colon, liver covered in cancer, spot on his brain and spots on his lungs. We are currently waiting for him to pass. So here it is in a nut shell or my current life. . . Oh, forgot the best part my mother had early onset dementia in her 40s and my mom's mom also had dementia but we are not sure when it began because she was a shut in. So I was just referred to Boston University Alzheimer Research Center by a doctor I have been seeing for 7 years. . . . So yeah there is that. I was just hospitalized for 2 weeks at a mental health hospital for sever depression, couldn't imagine why? , only to be given more drugs and being convinced that life is worth living and I can get better, right, go fuck yourself with the life is worth living shit already. It's also fun when my wife says all the people she knows but one thinks she needs to get away from me and look after herself. So I'm facing possible early onset dementia and my wife's "support group" are telling her to run! What a beautiful world when people try to convince others to run from their life long partner of 26 years rather than help take care of them . . . The world is a special place let me tell you.
- Wife deceived me
- Completely broke
- Live in an RV
- Friend is dying of cancer
- I could possibly have cancer
- Newly diagnosed with an heart condition
- Just referred to Alzheimer's specialist for possible early on set dementia
- Hospitalized for two weeks
All of this other than my my wife has happened in the past 6 months, 6 fucking months!!
I live in a world of hell . . . nonstop hell . . . . but some how I'm much to weak to commit suicide so I keep living a life that torments me whether I'm awake or asleep with terrifying OCD rumination that just wont quit ever, ever, ever, ever!!!!
So how do you work up to the point where you can take your own life, how long do I go before I can't go any further? I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm let down by life . . . I'm a good person but have seen nothing but heartache from it. I mostly terrified by fucking up suicide and having to live an even more unimaginable existence, that's what holds me back the most. I feel like if I could come up with a quick acting suicide which is 100% effective I possible could get drunk and get it done but I'm to afraid . . . will I eventually get to the point where I'm not afraid anymore and can just finally relive myself of this torment??? I'm sick of being sick . . . I'm tired dammit, so fucking tired!!
- Wife deceived me
- Completely broke
- Live in an RV
- Friend is dying of cancer
- I could possibly have cancer
- Newly diagnosed with an heart condition
- Just referred to Alzheimer's specialist for possible early on set dementia
- Hospitalized for two weeks
All of this other than my my wife has happened in the past 6 months, 6 fucking months!!
I live in a world of hell . . . nonstop hell . . . . but some how I'm much to weak to commit suicide so I keep living a life that torments me whether I'm awake or asleep with terrifying OCD rumination that just wont quit ever, ever, ever, ever!!!!
So how do you work up to the point where you can take your own life, how long do I go before I can't go any further? I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm let down by life . . . I'm a good person but have seen nothing but heartache from it. I mostly terrified by fucking up suicide and having to live an even more unimaginable existence, that's what holds me back the most. I feel like if I could come up with a quick acting suicide which is 100% effective I possible could get drunk and get it done but I'm to afraid . . . will I eventually get to the point where I'm not afraid anymore and can just finally relive myself of this torment??? I'm sick of being sick . . . I'm tired dammit, so fucking tired!!
