Help 30F Dating w/ No Experience

[Celerity]

EDIT: Maybe this belongs in Off-topic, but I feel like being able to have a relationship or at least express sexuality is a part of recovery. If anybody has any ideas or even some sympathy, I would be so grateful.



I have held hands and been kissed. That's the full extent of my sexual experience.

Recently, I found myself in the lucky position of being asked out by a guy, and he has his shit together and everything, but I am just.....so unprepared. I can tell that he expects things to move much faster than I am really comfortable with - and like, no shit, at my pace we might kiss after 5 years of dating, but still....

Wtf am I going to do?

Obviously, I have to tell him at some point. My lack of experience will soon become obvious. I kissed him for a while, and that seemed to go OK even if I didn't have the greatest of times.

Has anybody been in such a position before and gotten better? Anybody in the same boat? I'm just kind of freaking out right now.

 

[carac]

I can't really help you other than to say I feel you. 46m with no sexual experience, for a long time I was in a position of never even considering having a partner, I think I would need someone with zero expectations.

I think the best you can do is try to be open and honest with them, I'm sure if they are the right person for you they will understand

 

[Dot]

EDIT: Maybe this belongs in Off-topic, but I feel like being able to have a relationship or at least express sexuality is a part of recovery. If anybody has any ideas or even some sympathy, I would be so grateful.



I have held hands and been kissed. That's the full extent of my sexual experience.

Recently, I found myself in the lucky position of being asked out by a guy, and he has his shit together and everything, but I am just.....so unprepared. I can tell that he expects things to move much faster than I am really comfortable with - and like, no shit, at my pace we might kiss after 5 years of dating, but still....

Wtf am I going to do?

Obviously, I have to tell him at some point. My lack of experience will soon become obvious. I kissed him for a while, and that seemed to go OK even if I didn't have the greatest of times.

Has anybody been in such a position before and gotten better? Anybody in the same boat? I'm just kind of freaking out right now.

Slf d/ nt hve ur persnl xpernce bt slf hd frnds wh/ d8td ppl in ur positn

Th/ tmes tht thy spnt wth thse partnrs & hw thy connctd on deepr levl wre importnt enuf fr slf frnds t/ gve thm th/ spce tht thy needd

Mny ppl in 30s+ r lookng fr propr lng-trm prospcts nw s/ rushng thngs sexlly @ bginnng = nt as importnt - & ppl tht d/ nt respct tht r showng elmnts of thr charctr alrdy

S/ slf advce wld b t/ tll thm hw intrstd u r in thm bt b opn abt ur histry -- thre = chnce tht thy mght hve alrdy pickd up on certn prts of ur b-havr & nt undrstndng Y - s/ thy oftn apprci8 knwng wht thy r workng wth s/ thy knw wht stps t/ tke thmslves

 

[girlsboysthems]

Honesty is teh best policy. tell him youre not that experienced and wish to take things slowly. if youre sensitive to touch, ask him if he could tell you before he touches you or ask for permission. if he cant do that i recommend staying away, because a lot of people dont understand boundaries in relationships, esp when the relationship is this young. if youre prone to overthinking or anxiety (however i dont recommend this) use some alcol to relax, but not too much, bc CONSENT.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

It's okay, I think there are a lot more people in that situation than we realise. I had my first sexual experience late with someone with experience and I told him I was very scared. It took several unsuccessful tries until it finally happened and I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.

I am 29F so we have a similar age. At the time, I couldn't even say the word sex, even today it affects me a bit. I had to ask my boyfriend at the time to use cuter words for everything because that's how shy and scared I was.

Just be open with him and, if he is a good person, he will understand, go slower and be kind to you. Good people don't really care about experience, just to be with the person they like. My boyfriend didn't have experience and had erectile dysfunction and we made it work. The right person will adapt to your needs without strain. I wish you best of luck with him, I hope he brings you some happiness ❤

 

[Redacted24]

Yes, agree with other responses. I was 27 and she already had a kid... she was patient and communicated and gentle and understanding.
Everyone starts somewhere. Starting with honesty is a good basis.

 

[tiger b]

You'll learn a lot about him by being honest.

You'll learn a lot about yourself by being dishonest.

If he's decent and his excrement is really in close proximity, then experience isn't necessarily the big deal you think it is. If you feel free to be yourself without pretences, then who knows how you would settle into a relationship. I've seen inexperienced people really be surprised when the pressure to be perfect is removed.

 

[SexyIncél]

fwiw I haven't been in the same position, but have been on the other side

Unlike with guys, inexperience is an asset for a woman. You could low-key brag about it & many would find that attractive & even worthy of respect

His reaction will be interesting. If he puts it down or otherwise puts you at a disadvantage for it, that's a red flag (not merely a yellow one). Possibly manipulative. He should figure out what you're comfortable with, and lead you in the direction of what you seem to enjoy

Of course, the downside of inexperience is being led to do things you don't wanna do, or giving it away for little in return... so it's good to err on the side of conservativism. Perceptive, even-minded, loyal friends can help you think through the details; help you articulate what you want

 

[Celerity]

fwiw I haven't been in the same position, but have been on the other side

Unlike with guys, inexperience is an asset for a woman. You could low-key brag about it & many would find that attractive & even worthy of respect

His reaction will be interesting. If he puts it down or otherwise puts you at a disadvantage for it, that's a red flag (not merely a yellow one). Possibly manipulative. He should figure out what you're comfortable with, and lead you in the direction of what you seem to enjoy

Of course, the downside of inexperience is being led to do things you don't wanna do, or giving it away for little in return... so it's good to err on the side of conservativism. Perceptive, even-minded, loyal friends can help you think through the details; help you articulate what you want

Unfortunately, I do not have any close female friends right now. My SIL might be able to help me. She loves giving out advice.

 

[SexyIncél]

Unfortunately, I do not have any close female friends right now. My SIL might be able to help me. She loves giving out advice.

Hope she's good at advice! Or if not so good, at least a good sounding board

Just for my personal knowledge, what's the problems with your close male friends? Bias? Don't quite trust them? Embarrassment?

(I just like gathering case studies to handle future situations; my intention isn't to quibble)

 

[Celerity]

Hope she's good at advice! Or if not so good, at least a good sounding board

Just for my personal knowledge, what's the problems with your close male friends? Bias? Don't quite trust them? Embarrassment?

(I just like gathering case studies to handle future situations; my intention isn't to quibble)

I would be embarrassed about telling my male friends, and some of them are attracted to me. I think asking them would be cruel.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I have to agree with everyone's replies so far. Honesty and good communication are key—telling the guy what your situation is, that you want to take things slowly, and so on. If he's a decent person, he should understand and respect your wishes, and not rush you into anything.

From my POV as a man, lack of experience is not something that I'd consider particularly important. If we have a connection, that's all that matters.

 

[siouxsie]

I agree on being honest. If he's in for a long term relationship and not just sex he'll most likely understand and be patient. If he doesn't he's not worth it and u don't need to waste your time with him.
As for the issue at hand, I can sort of relate. I'm bisexual and I was older when I had my first experiences with a woman. I was worried I'd do something wrong or wouldn't know what to do. But I openly communicated that and it all went well from there. So again, be honest and take whatever time you need

 

[TooConscious]

Don't play daft, you know three hundred and fifty guys are just getting done asking chatgpt to write a message to win your heart lol

 

[marina]

Has anybody been in such a position before and gotten better? Anybody in the same boat? I'm just kind of freaking out right now.

I found myself in uncomfortable situations before due to inexperience. Don't rush into anything you don't want, and stay honest. Being a pushover is more trouble than its worth, advocating for yourself is to the benefit of everybody

 

[Celerity]

Don't play daft, you know three hundred and fifty guys are just getting done asking chatgpt to write a message to win your heart lol

Oh, so you think I just posted this for attention? I am genuinely nervous, and I don't see any reason why I shouldn't be. Holding up virginity as something sacred hasn't been a thing for a few decades. I'm not religious, and the guy I'm dating isn't either.

I found myself in uncomfortable situations before due to inexperience. Don't rush into anything you don't want, and stay honest. Being a pushover is more trouble than its worth, advocating for yourself is to the benefit of everybody

I have too a few years past. I was mostly shocked by how people, particularly men, can go from 0-100 so quickly. Someone would be barely flirting with me and then touching me without permission in the span of minutes. Maybe it is partly because of these past experiences that I am so apprehensive.

 

[TooConscious]

Oh, so you think I just posted this for attention? I am genuinely nervous, and I don't see any reason why I shouldn't be. Holding up virginity as something sacred hasn't been a thing for a few decades. I'm not religious, and the guy I'm dating isn't either.

I have too a few years past. I was mostly shocked by how people, particularly men, can go from 0-100 so quickly. Someone would be barely flirting with me and then touching me without permission in the span of minutes. Maybe it is partly because of these past experiences that I am so apprehensive.

No I don't think, I was just trying to add some humour. Have a good one.

 

[Celerity]

No I don't think, I was just trying to add some humour. Have a good one.

Hard to read intent on a message board, and I jumped to conclusions. Sorry about that, and thanks.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Wow, if I was him I would feel super honored to potentially be your first. One of my ex's lost it to me at 24 which I thought was uncommon.

However, just be open.
I do think that he will probably move quickly regardless for a variety of reasons.
Just State your boundaries and be firm.
Or if you're wanting to let it happen then have fun.
Your nerves and your perspective are the only thing really stopping you from having a good time.
But don't go doing something you don't want just because everyone else is doing it.

 

[TooConscious]

Hard to read intent on a message board, and I jumped to conclusions. Sorry about that, and thanks.

It is, &I don't always consider strangers might not get my sense of humour Sorry.
Because of the algorithms snooping I got a news piece about how a majority of young men have given up dating...
It doesn't seem that way to me, but I suppose I've always felt alone.

Just to add some initial feedback to your concerns, I was a very insecure teenager and young man, and like most other people once you have sex or sexual content you can experience a type of disappointment like I was 23 but because it had been the be all - end all of existence from early teens, I was like, "that's real sex? Eh?". Like a passionate kiss is more intimate than sex I do believe that, and knowing some.others do

 

[Celerity]

It is, &I don't always consider strangers might not get my sense of humour Sorry.
Because of the algorithms snooping I got a news piece about how a majority of young men have given up dating...
It doesn't seem that way to me, but I suppose I've always felt alone.

Just to add some initial feedback to your concerns, I was a very insecure teenager and young man, and like most other people once you have sex or sexual content you can experience a type of disappointment like I was 23 but because it had been the be all - end all of existence from early teens, I was like, "that's real sex? Eh?". Like a passionate kiss is more intimate than sex I do believe that, and knowing some.others do

I guess it can be really mechanical. As a woman, I don't expect much of my first time. Even if he takes his time with me, it's probably not going to be that great and will probably hurt a fair bit too.

 

[TooConscious]

I guess it can be really mechanical. As a woman, I don't expect much of my first time. Even if he takes his time with me, it's probably not going to be that great and will probably hurt a fair bit too.

It doesn't have to be, the amount of abusive people I've known I would be wary and very cautious but if you get t to a place where you know you can trust the guy maybe use a psychedelic like mdma, or for a deeper more meaningful experience, shrooms, LSD, 2cb . I don't know, were all different. Go into nature away from the noise of life so it's just human connection. If I could go back...

And mate, some guys tend to take too much credit and like trumping up their masculinity, & without getting too descriptive, the experience usually ends with the virgin girl going "FFS man, not that one, here... Ok go, hurry up."
It's not like that American pie rubbish.

Just try to enjoy yourself like you would when participating in a hobby, ie. A small hike. It's all very small human experiences make up the hole. If anyone spots the puns they were noticed but unintended lol.