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[APharmaDestroyedLife]

After reading the post about the police visit , I think I'm to chicken to go through with the order. The only thing that could make my life worse is being put in jail. In my medical condition it would be pure misery.

I wish the police and the government where not allowed to tell us what we can and cant do with our lives. It's really not fair. But it is the way it is... I have another method, my plan 2. I will say goodbye to the group when time.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Because of limitations in shipping (a) has a queue. Still I feel more confident in a's product as I do b's. Although it seems easier to order with b. Has anyone who has ordered recently in the US want to chime in here and let me know how long the queue before the actual shipping for was for you?

Cali as well. 3 days

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

Cali as well. 3 days

Awesome thanks for the fast reply I very much appreciate it

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Awesome thanks for the fast reply I very much appreciate it

When its here, I'll try to message you to tell you how long shipping was. Its only from Mexico so I'm praying itll be here on tuesday or Wednesday (I'm in so cal)

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

When its here, I'll try to message you to tell you how long shipping was. Its only from Mexico so I'm praying itll be here on tuesday or Wednesday (I'm in so cal)

I think the thread on getting a visit from the police ,amazing the government and the police are allowed to tell people what to do with their own lives...

When its here, I'll try to message you to tell you how long shipping was. Its only from Mexico so I'm praying itll be here on tuesday or Wednesday (I'm in so cal)

Adam Sandler is really cool!!!

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Thanks, I appreciate it... I think the thread on getting a visit from the police scared me out of going through with it, but please let me know how it goes for you and if you do get a visit from the police , hopefully they will just take the N and let it be. Maybe California is low profile. It seems all the raids are happening in other countries... its amazing the government and the police are allowed to tell people what to do with their own lives...

I'm not to worried. Like you said, all those raids are happening in Europe and aussie. This is what I've been explaining to my mom. We have a choice with our own bodies. A man once told me he was living for other people. He doesn't care about himself. I asked him "does that not seem like an unnecessarily huge burden to put on someone" he said yes but and then he went silent. My mom is a stark Christian. She fears I'll go to hell. I told her does it not seem absurdly cruel that a man who is supposed to be all knowing and all loving would sentence someone who suffered on earth to suffer in torture for the rest of eternity? She said yes, it does seem cruel. I said I don't believe it and she didn't reply. I can only hope that my mom will be ok. I told her I believed we'd see each other again. She knows I love her to pieces but I simply cant take this anymore.

Anyway I'm sorry for laying this on you, its been a while since I talked to anybody so I guess I just laid it on you

 

[Darkhaven]

I'm not to worried. Like you said, all those raids are happening in Europe and aussie. This is what I've been explaining to my mom. We have a choice with our own bodies. A man once told me he was living for other people. He doesn't care about himself. I asked him "does that not seem like an unnecessarily huge burden to put on someone" he said yes but and then he went silent. My mom is a stark Christian. She fears I'll go to hell. I told her does it not seem absurdly cruel that a man who is supposed to be all knowing and all loving would sentence someone who suffered on earth to suffer in torture for the rest of eternity? She said yes, it does seem cruel. I said I don't believe it and she didn't reply. I can only hope that my mom will be ok. I told her I believed we'd see each other again. She knows I love her to pieces but I simply cant take this anymore.

Anyway I'm sorry for laying this on you, its been a while since I talked to anybody so I guess I just laid it on you

The fact that you confide with your mother about your choice is really surprising.
Of all the people i have seen here, i don't think i ever saw another person that is able to do this.
I too have a mother i can confide with.
I talk with her about suicide very often.
It's taken a toll on her, so i stopped.
She is a JW, and while they don't believe in hell(best thing about their religion, i guess), they believe in ressurection.
A suicidal person won't have the privilege(?) of being ressurected so she believes we won't ever see each other again.
But hey, that's how it goes.

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

I'm not to worried. Like you said, all those raids are happening in Europe and aussie. This is what I've been explaining to my mom. We have a choice with our own bodies. A man once told me he was living for other people. He doesn't care about himself. I asked him "does that not seem like an unnecessarily huge burden to put on someone" he said yes but and then he went silent. My mom is a stark Christian. She fears I'll go to hell. I told her does it not seem absurdly cruel that a man who is supposed to be all knowing and all loving would sentence someone who suffered on earth to suffer in torture for the rest of eternity? She said yes, it does seem cruel. I said I don't believe it and she didn't reply. I can only hope that my mom will be ok. I told her I believed we'd see each other again. She knows I love her to pieces but I simply cant take this anymore.

Anyway I'm sorry for laying this on you, its been a while since I talked to anybody so I guess I just laid it on you

Please feel free to talk to me about anything. I 100% agree with you about the idea of Hell. Let's say Christianity is 100% true no matter how unlikely that is. An all loving God would never condemn his children to an eternity of torture. I'm here if you want to talk... it helps sometimes just to have someone to vent to.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

The fact that you confide with your mother about your choice is really surprising.
Of all the people i have seen here, i don't think i ever saw another person that is able to do this.
I too have a mother i can confide with.
I talk with her about suicide very often.
It's taken a toll on her, so i stopped.
She is a JW, and while they don't believe in hell(best thing about their religion, i guess), they believe in ressurection.
A suicidal person won't have the privilege(?) of being ressurected so she believes we won't ever see each other again.
But hey, that's how it goes.

It's only been very recently that I've started sharing with her. I want to let her know in life that it was never her fault. There is or was nothing she could have done. She does believe in hell and is deeply fearful that she won't see me again. Apparently the fear of hell has been the only thing that has stopped her from suicide in the past. I told her flat out, mom. I will take my life soon and I'm terribly sorry if this destroys you inside but I think it's something you need to know. She hasn't thrown me in a mental hospital and that's one of the millions of reasons why I love her so much. She doesn't like it, but I think I'm pushing her towards more accepting it. A daughter that tried to put a noose around her neck at 8 years old wasn't much destined for this world. She agrees that there is treatment resistant depression but thinks I haven't tried everything in my power yet to get better. Shes right on that but I told her, at this point, I simply dont want to anymore and that hurts her more then anything.

I'm really sorry mama, I'm just tired.

Please feel free to talk to me about anything. I 100% agree with you about the idea of Hell. Let's say Christianity is 100% true no matter how unlikely that is. An all loving God would never condemn his children to an eternity of torture. I'm here if you want to talk... it helps sometimes just to have someone to vent to.

I will later, but, say it's true. He created me, he created my brain, he knew the experiences I would go through long before I did. It says that God only puts you through things that you can deal with but that has been proven time and time again to not be true. There are millions of suicides each year, hell would be awful full and god would be blatantly benevolent and cruel.
I don't believe in the bible but I do believe there is someone up there that loves you.

 

[Darkhaven]

It's only been very recently that I've started sharing with her. I want to let her know in life that it was never her fault. There is or was nothing she could have done. She does believe in hell and is deeply fearful that she won't see me again. Apparently the fear of hell has been the only thing that has stopped her from suicide in the past. I told her flat out, mom. I will take my life soon and I'm terribly sorry if this destroys you inside but I think it's something you need to know. She hasn't thrown me in a mental hospital and that's one of the millions of reasons why I love her so much. She doesn't like it, but I think I'm pushing her towards more accepting it. A daughter that tried to put a noose around her neck at 8 years old wasn't much destined for this world. She agrees that there is treatment resistant depression but thinks I haven't tried everything in my power yet to get better. Shes right on that but I told her, at this point, I simply dont want to anymore and that hurts her more then anything.

I'm really sorry mama, I'm just tired.

Mine also had suicidal thoughts and depression, specially after getting divorced from my father.
Her mother (my grandmother) had a failed attempt with pills.
This runs in the family i suppose.
My mother also wanted me to accept going into a psychiatrist and told me that i should take my SSRI's (prescribed by the neurologist), but i always refused. She respected it.
She knows that if she talks about it she might get me in the psych ward.
She has also told me that if i ctb, she will take the same dose of wherever i took and kill herself too.
I don't truly believe that, but she might well go crazy if i do it...

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Mine also had suicidal thoughts and depression, specially after getting divorced from my father.
Her mother (my grandmother) had a failed attempt with pills.
This runs in the family i suppose.
My mother also wanted me to accept going into a psychiatrist and told me that i should take my SSRI's (prescribed by the neurologist), but i always refused. She respected it.
She knows that if she talks about it she might get me in the psych ward.
She has also told me that if i ctb, she will take the same dose of wherever i took and kill herself too.
I don't truly believe that, but she might well go crazy if i do it...

And that thought terrifies me. Me saying I don't believe that I'll be sent to hell for it. I don't want to disentangle her belief system but simply let her know that I'll see her again. I dont want her to follow me on an urge led by grief. Shes, after 40 some years, about to get married. She has 2 other kids that love her to pieces too. I hope that it brings them closer instead of ripping everything apart. I hope they can find solace in each other instead of focusing their grief all on me. My family has never been close, we rarely share with each other what's happening in our lives but I hope my suicide can change that and that none of them will follow me. I know I'm pro choice and all but family IS family. I hope you and anyone who may be reading this can understand where I'm coming from with this

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

I'm not to worried. Like you said, all those raids are happening in Europe and aussie. This is what I've been explaining to my mom. We have a choice with our own bodies. A man once told me he was living for other people. He doesn't care about himself. I asked him "does that not seem like an unnecessarily huge burden to put on someone" he said yes but and then he went silent. My mom is a stark Christian. She fears I'll go to hell. I told her does it not seem absurdly cruel that a man who is supposed to be all knowing and all loving would sentence someone who suffered on earth to suffer in torture for the rest of eternity? She said yes, it does seem cruel. I said I don't believe it and she didn't reply. I can only hope that my mom will be ok. I told her I believed we'd see each other again. She knows I love her to pieces but I simply cant take this anymore.

Anyway I'm sorry for laying this on you, its been a while since I talked to anybody so I guess I just laid it on you

Cali as well. 3 days

I'm not to worried. Like you said, all those raids are happening in Europe and aussie. This is what I've been explaining to my mom. We have a choice with our own bodies. A man once told me he was living for other people. He doesn't care about himself. I asked him "does that not seem like an unnecessarily huge burden to put on someone" he said yes but and then he went silent. My mom is a stark Christian. She fears I'll go to hell. I told her does it not seem absurdly cruel that a man who is supposed to be all knowing and all loving would sentence someone who suffered on earth to suffer in torture for the rest of eternity? She said yes, it does seem cruel. I said I don't believe it and she didn't reply. I can only hope that my mom will be ok. I told her I believed we'd see each other again. She knows I love her to pieces but I simply cant take this anymore.

Anyway I'm sorry for laying this on you, its been a while since I talked to anybody so I guess I just laid it on you

If you don't mind me asking Is there any chance maybe whatever has brought you to this point is something that can be fixed or resolved? I don't dare judge anyone, because I am on this site too. It's none of my business why you are here, but if you want to share or talk ,sometimes that helps. I am a middle aged guy that is chronically sick. I had some hard times when I was younger but I am sure glad a hung on , because some really great times followed. Part of me still wants to be here, honestly most of me still does. I would love to live out my life to it's natural conclusion but relentless sickness and pain can really push a person to a dark place.

 

[Darkhaven]

And that thought terrifies me. Me saying I don't believe that I'll be sent to hell for it. I don't want to disentangle her belief system but simply let her know that I'll see her again. I dont want her to follow me on an urge led by grief. Shes, after 40 some years, about to get married. She has 2 other kids that love her to pieces too. I hope that it brings them closer instead of ripping everything apart. I hope they can find solace in each other instead of focusing their grief all on me. My family has never been close, we rarely share with each other what's happening in our lives but I hope my suicide can change that and that none of them will follow me. I know I'm pro choice and all but family IS family. I hope you and anyone who may be reading this can understand where I'm coming from with this

Yeah, i understand what you mean.
I feel the same way.

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

Cali as well. 3 days

There are some amazing break troughs in depression treatment that are natural. you could simply have a low amount of magnesium or vitamin B or D. there is neurostimulation , lots of options especially in California, I am willing to bet if money is an issue your Mom would be willing to pay for anything that might help, it sure sounds like she really loves you. it really can be something as simple as a vitamin deficiency. In my opinion the psychiatric drugs don't work very well or at all for some people. You seem like you may be young (in your 20s) I would hate to see you give up until you tried some alternative approaches even though I know you're tired, and in pain. what if life could actually bring you joy?

Is there anything that makes you happy that you can hold on to while you find a natural pathic doctor? I myself had some hard times when I was younger but I am sure glad a hung on , because some really great times followed. honestly most of me wants to live. I would love to live out my life to it's natural conclusion but relentless sickness and pain can really push a person to a dark place. I don't dare judge anyone, because I am on this site too. If you want to talk about anything or just vent some more but if you want to share or talk ,sometimes that helps.
Out of all the people on here , for some reason I really became concerned with you, i don't know why. i really hope you can hold on to hope at least until you've exhausted all your options.