lainpilled
internet dweller (＾་།＾)
- Jul 17, 2023
- 17
hello ss! i'm back here and today is my birthday, i've turned 20 which is hard to believe, i still feel like im in middle school. this is mainly a vent post so sorry if you were expecting something else.
i woke up today thinking it would be a good day, but all this day has been serving as a reminder that i feel like i've been a leech to my loved ones for 20 years, that im not even worth the full effort. im happy that almost everyone said happy birthday, but it all felt like lip service to make themselves feel good, but apparently even my dad thinks im not even worth that effort. his parents and his girlfriend did, why couldn't he say happy birthday to his namesake and last bio child he had? i tried to be happy since its my day, but still this depression persists. im generally a helpful person who gives their all to help loved ones, however i feel like im never returned that same love. im apparently a waste of space according to my grandma and i'm just the invisible child, i never got that care that my other siblings got. i tried standing up for myself but i get reactions like im the selfish one with anger issues when im the one constantly giving my whole heart to the point of burn out to help everyone. my brother didnt even want to put in the effort of going to the park with me and didnt even remember how old i was. im probably just being overdramatic like they think when a child is crying for a seemingly useless reason, i think im just too sensitive and they act like how everyone else in the world acts, with people like me being the rare exception that is hard to find, leaving me abnormally emotional in a terribly mean world. my emotions feel like exposed nerves that can emotionally hurt. im 20 and im not a teen anymore, im in my 20s and i have no idea what i want to do, i want to help my family the best i can but the "tough love" aka emotional immaturity from my family hurts so much for someone who shatters like glass whenever i'm shown the faintest sign of annoyance, i know its trauma but it makes me feel so pathetic and has caused me to want to ctb for so long, to ctb so im only a burden on my family for one more time. i dunno, i dont want to die but it hurts to live. sorry this was a bummer and sorry for taking up space, i just want something since i feel i cant get much else for how weak i am. happy birthday to me i suppose
i woke up today thinking it would be a good day, but all this day has been serving as a reminder that i feel like i've been a leech to my loved ones for 20 years, that im not even worth the full effort. im happy that almost everyone said happy birthday, but it all felt like lip service to make themselves feel good, but apparently even my dad thinks im not even worth that effort. his parents and his girlfriend did, why couldn't he say happy birthday to his namesake and last bio child he had? i tried to be happy since its my day, but still this depression persists. im generally a helpful person who gives their all to help loved ones, however i feel like im never returned that same love. im apparently a waste of space according to my grandma and i'm just the invisible child, i never got that care that my other siblings got. i tried standing up for myself but i get reactions like im the selfish one with anger issues when im the one constantly giving my whole heart to the point of burn out to help everyone. my brother didnt even want to put in the effort of going to the park with me and didnt even remember how old i was. im probably just being overdramatic like they think when a child is crying for a seemingly useless reason, i think im just too sensitive and they act like how everyone else in the world acts, with people like me being the rare exception that is hard to find, leaving me abnormally emotional in a terribly mean world. my emotions feel like exposed nerves that can emotionally hurt. im 20 and im not a teen anymore, im in my 20s and i have no idea what i want to do, i want to help my family the best i can but the "tough love" aka emotional immaturity from my family hurts so much for someone who shatters like glass whenever i'm shown the faintest sign of annoyance, i know its trauma but it makes me feel so pathetic and has caused me to want to ctb for so long, to ctb so im only a burden on my family for one more time. i dunno, i dont want to die but it hurts to live. sorry this was a bummer and sorry for taking up space, i just want something since i feel i cant get much else for how weak i am. happy birthday to me i suppose
