I feel like everytime i get close to killing myself things happen that almost trick me into staying, like im being tricked into staying here so I can be further tortured. And i do hate my life to the point of genuinely believing im in Hell. I just want the final push inside to be able to go through with ending my life and i feel like i get a bit closer everytime but im still not brave enough. And when i say tricked i mean its the same thing everytime and every good thing is something bad in disguise, its true
Its the survival instincts... The brain continuously tries to get you back to the "not imminently wanting to die" state... But the asshole allows the "wanting to die state" without problems...
I dont know, its the main problem everyone that wants to die has... But basically you have to overpower it in some way like:
1. Just willpower
2. So long and tired of living that it just gives up
3. Actually convincing yourself 100% that there is no future. If there is even a 0,1% of hope the brain will just pull back
4. Take advantage of a depressive episode where you actually can go through it
Im stuck at 3... When I think about my situation very thoroughly, chances and everything, I get severely depressed... But there is always some shitty chance that can happen.
Years ago I felt cornered, without actual future and in some days I was almost at situation 3, and while it was painful, there was relief in knowing that this was it, no more suffering, no more waiting... I wish that lasted long enough, but my situation "improved" in the economic front, although Im still absolutely fucked in the front that actually makes my life so painful... But the brain just takes it and rolls with it. I hate this...
1. Just willpower
2. So long and tired of living that it just gives up
3. Actually convincing yourself 100% that there is no future. If there is even a 0,1% of hope the brain will just pull back
4. Take advantage of a depressive episode where you actually can go through it
Im stuck at 3... When I think about my situation very thoroughly, chances and everything, I get severely depressed... But there is always some shitty chance that can happen.
Years ago I felt cornered, without actual future and in some days I was almost at situation 3, and while it was painful, there was relief in knowing that this was it, no more suffering, no more waiting... I wish that lasted long enough, but my situation "improved" in the economic front, although Im still absolutely fucked in the front that actually makes my life so painful... But the brain just takes it and rolls with it. I hate this...
As much as i hear you and want the same, i hope your situation continues to improve in other ways. It makes me feel less alone to read that though, i do genuinely want to die but i feel like a failure for not being strong enough to go through with it. When i speak to a doctor or similar its so hard to voice my suicidal thoughts because they dont seem to understand that its a hard thing to do and if i could easily do it i would have done it by now
I also feel a failure for everything... For not just dealing with it and finishing my studies in the normal time and getting to work much earlier. But also for not having the courage of killing myself...
For not being productive every day, like right now... And for many more things...
For not being productive every day, like right now... And for many more things...
I think youre courageous for continuing despite what you feel, everyone does things at their own pace
Its not courage, its failing to overpower the survival instincts despite knowing that all is lost...
I know that this would apply to you too but I dont think that of you, I just think Im trash.
I know that this would apply to you too but I dont think that of you, I just think Im trash.
dust-in-the-wind
Animal Lover
- Aug 24, 2024
- 890
Over 700,000 ppl commit suicide worldwide per year. I wish I knew how they had the courage. I'm envious. My brain is so fucked up it wants to live and die. I'm mentally tortured every day with major depression yet still can't do it.
