2020 - My Fate

[RealLostSoul]

So yea happy new year to everyone. Fucking 2020 is here and I would have never thought that. It feels unreal. I'm currently reminiscing about the past and I definitely see that with each year that was going by things got a little bit worse. 2017 was not so bad as 2018 which was worse and 2019 was hell. I will give life one last fucking chance this year. I will try to get the surgery I need. I will give my best to achieve something better and be happy again but it is mostly up to destiny, fate, it is out of my control. If I am not supposed to be here then this is it. I can't see myself living with this condition another full year. I am tired and sick of life. However I am not giving up yet but it is most likely going to be up to fate. we will see.

I hope things turn to a better for y'all out there and if you decide to go this year, I hope you find what you were searching for in death.

 

[Jean4]

So yea happy new year to everyone. Fucking 2020 is here and I would have never thought that. It feels unreal. I'm currently reminiscing about the past and I definitely see that with each year that was going by things got a little bit worse. 2017 was not so bad as 2018 which was worse and 2019 was hell. I will give life one last fucking chance this year. I will try to get the surgery I need. I will give my best to achieve something better and be happy again but it is mostly up to destiny, fate, it is out of my control. If I am not supposed to be here then this is it. I can't see myself living with this condition another full year. I am tired and sick of life. However I am not giving up yet but it is most likely going to be up to fate. we will see.

I hope things turn to a better for y'all out there and if you decide to go this year, I hope you find what you were searching for in death.

It sounds like a well thought out, realistic plan. Is the surgery something serious which will tie you up for a while?

 

[Fragile]

my fate is different, i already know that 2020 will be my last year.

but i wish that you manage to turn your life around, good luck with the surgery and may 2020 be a good year for you.

 

[RealLostSoul]

It sounds like a well thought out, realistic plan. Is the surgery something serious which will tie you up for a while?

Yes definitely. It is risky and if it works out I will be away for at least half a year and up to 2 years recovery. It's hardcore but I ain't got nothing to lose you know I'm saying?

my fate is different, i already know that 2020 will be my last year.

but i wish that you manage to turn your life around, good luck with the surgery and may 2020 be a good year for you.

Thank you

 

[RealLostSoul]

Update:

End of 2020 is here and I'm still among the living. Great right? 2020 has been a pretty interesting year to say the least. Contrary to the general opinion, the lockdown situation was a blessing for me. It felt good to be officially isolated, with everyone having to be in the same boat, it gave me a temporary time of relieve from any social encounters I had to have.
In the end however it became a burden even to me but it showed me that even the most outcast loner misfit weirdo downers like me need to have some social life, it seems to be obvious if you just take into account that the species homo sapiens evolutionary developed the way it did only because of social interaction.

So with a vaccine in sight I am pretty curious about how it will be in a few months. In 2020 some things did actually become better. I'm finally able to study the thing I always wanted (medical science) - and it's great! I took SSRI and suffered PSSD for a few months (sucked a lot) but it went away naturally - great! I have some good friends and people around me - great!
So all in all there are definitely positive things that happened that definitely helped my developement as an individual.

However, one fucking thing is stronger than ever, the body dysphoria. Sadly sadly sadly this neurological condition progressively got worse. I might write another post in the new year when I have more time for it but it quite sucks more than usual in the last 6 months or so. I am closer to my surgery that I mentioned a year ago though! If things go as planned I might be able to do it in summer 2021. I am looking forward, this is the last straw that needs to be fixed so I can finally get rid of these years of misery forever! I can't believe it but that's the last thing that holds me back from not being depressed anymore. And it's the biggest one. It's gonna be the hardest one. But I am ready to fight it. For a better future.