platypusfan
Member
- Jun 29, 2023
- 89
It's been about two years since I last posted on this site since I wanted to dedicate myself to recovery. This isn't really a hopeful post, more of just a vent.
It's been going terribly, I've tried about everything that I'm supposed to. Exercise, meditation, eating healthy. I have a therapist, have switched through SSRIs and right now we just keep dosing up prozac. It's not that I feel the same, but it's that I still want to ctb. It has always been the logical choice for me and still is, especially considering how I still feel terrible after all this.
A large part of it is probably the things I can't change, as much as I want to be loved im not sure if I can just do that the same way I could choose to exercise and choose to take meds. I also can't transition because of my family and the current political climate, so it's just constant dysphoria everyday. There also aren't fixes for things like feeling like a literal alien because of neurodivergence, and also feeling like im genuinely missing emotions (like true happiness or true love). I get that the idea is to just learn to live with it, people suffer all the time bla bla, but I just don't get how it's worth it.
I am getting older and have to worry more about my future and career, and am still technically on the path to recovery, but I've already done pretty terribly in college and I can't find any field that I enjoy enough to go in to, but that might also just be that I can't with depression. I just feel stuck, again. I want there to be a more clear line between ctb and recovery.
Correction is about two years since I joined, not that I've been on. For awhile now, at least the summer, I've barely been on at all. I relapsed today, and don't have anyone to talk to, which is in part why I thought about posting.
It's been going terribly, I've tried about everything that I'm supposed to. Exercise, meditation, eating healthy. I have a therapist, have switched through SSRIs and right now we just keep dosing up prozac. It's not that I feel the same, but it's that I still want to ctb. It has always been the logical choice for me and still is, especially considering how I still feel terrible after all this.
A large part of it is probably the things I can't change, as much as I want to be loved im not sure if I can just do that the same way I could choose to exercise and choose to take meds. I also can't transition because of my family and the current political climate, so it's just constant dysphoria everyday. There also aren't fixes for things like feeling like a literal alien because of neurodivergence, and also feeling like im genuinely missing emotions (like true happiness or true love). I get that the idea is to just learn to live with it, people suffer all the time bla bla, but I just don't get how it's worth it.
I am getting older and have to worry more about my future and career, and am still technically on the path to recovery, but I've already done pretty terribly in college and I can't find any field that I enjoy enough to go in to, but that might also just be that I can't with depression. I just feel stuck, again. I want there to be a more clear line between ctb and recovery.
Correction is about two years since I joined, not that I've been on. For awhile now, at least the summer, I've barely been on at all. I relapsed today, and don't have anyone to talk to, which is in part why I thought about posting.
