2 therapists will make an addict

[noname223]

I go to university. Normally I would have stopped 4 weeks ago but my therapists pressure me to go on. I have a severe sleeping disorder which increases the risk of mania. It is so obvious I am not stable and resilient enough to study and I never will be. The reason is as a child I was always mistreated when I had to learn for school. I cannot take the pressure of performance. Barely anything helps to sleep. My psychiatrist says it would be okay to take 3 (half) zopiclons a week. The psychologist from a clinic whom I sent a message some days ago says it would be absolutely okay to take 3 halfs of them. For longhterm treatment.
My current psychologist said this would be insanely dangerous. Most experts and websites say this medication is highly addictive. They say you should only take it for maximum 4 weeks.
Everyone of these therapists say I shall go on with college. Despite the fact I am only able to study 2 of 5 courses during a semester without becoming fully manic. The thing is either these therapists are completely delusional with their naivity or they know the alternative would be poverty forever(suicide).

The therapist from the clinic knows my full story. He experienced me during severe suicidality and cares about me. I think I am one of his most tragic cases. He said in his email I could call everytime and that I absolutely should not stop to study. He and I know that suicide awaits me when I have to live with welfare.

As always I am in a weird situation. There are no good options. When I go to college I always say to me I promise I quit this week. This is too dangerous in terms of addiction and mania. But then I go on with it. I cannot believe that this is my life. Everything is so absurd. And don't say but you could work this and that. It is my 6th attempt to make progress finding a way to hold a job/ having further education. Nothings works.
I am not sure how this will end. I am scared to become an addict. I think when I approach the exams I am going to become manic. I am so desperate. This is all so weird. Why can't I have a normal life...

 

[less than]

I am sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. On the one hand, the fear of the pressure of studying and the effects on your mental state, and on the other hand, the fear of becoming addicted through the medication. But my question would be, is there really no other way? Of course, the fear of poverty and social decline is justified and unfortunately this is a real problem nowadays. On the other hand, a good education does not automatically mean a well-paid job. But there are also many other professions for which you don't need an academic education and which can still offer a good income. Maybe less than you would like but still enough to avoid falling into poverty and with less pressure and maybe not so negative effects on your mental health.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds very stressful, I'm sorry you are going through all this. Living really is painful. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[noname223]

I am sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. On the one hand, the fear of the pressure of studying and the effects on your mental state, and on the other hand, the fear of becoming addicted through the medication. But my question would be, is there really no other way? Of course, the fear of poverty and social decline is justified and unfortunately this is a real problem nowadays. On the other hand, a good education does not automatically mean a well-paid job. But there are also many other professions for which you don't need an academic education and which can still offer a good income. Maybe less than you would like but still enough to avoid falling into poverty and with less pressure and maybe not so negative effects on your mental health.

In Germany there are 2 common ways to get a job: Traineeship or studying at college. I tried 2 traineeships I got severly depressed because I loathed the work that I had to do. It was not possible no matter how hard I tried. I looked at lists of all possible traineeships and all of them sound horrible to me.
It sounds like I was picky. If I could I would do many different kinds of work. But if I work something which I do not like I get severe crippling depression and that makes me a wreck.
When I go to college this makes me manic. I tried twice. This is the third time. at the moment im not manic (after 5 weeks) however very fragile. This only works due to the addictive medication.

I already tried some unusal stuff I did Youtube videos without much success (even for that I would be too fragile). And I tried to give private tuition. This was the biggest success. I could do 3 hours a week. But that is an absolute joke.

 

[less than]

I am sorry that you have had only bad experiences with training and work so far. Was it the work itself or the colleagues/people around you that made you so depressed?
May I ask what you are studying and in which professional direction you want to go afterwards?

Is it possible that you could get disability status because of your history of mental health problems? Maybe that would also take some of the pressure off.

 

[noname223]

It was the work itself. My dad does not believe me that point. He claims in another environment I could work. This is a blatant lie. He does not want to acknowledge that I am not able to work.
I am kind of paranoid that people could track me when I give details about what I am studiyng. I thought about being a consultant. But this was only in my biggest naive dreams. I always was 98% sure I could not do it. My therapists always told me I could do it. A bitch therapist in clinic (we had no sympathy for each other) laughed at me and told me I could do it. I would be just depressed-pessimistic.

I have a disability status. Compared with the US welfare in Germany is higher. But I am pretty sure I am not made for poverty. There are so many things I hate about this life. I compensated it partly with spending money. Not like a rich fuck but lower middle class. Could not imagine with living with much less. And welfare is way way less.

 

[less than]

I understand that you do not want to give any information, especially if this would allow conclusions to be drawn about your identity.

Most of the time it is really the case that normies cannot imagine that someone cannot work or can only work to a limited extent due to a bad mental health condition.
It's probably not bad intent if your father doesn't believe you. I can also well imagine that your therapist just wants to encourage you to continue studying. Or what advice would you give to a young doubtful person sitting in front you?

In fact, I also find the modern world of work disillusioning. Especially if you are a worker/employee and dependent on a wage slave job.

If you are already dependent on medication to get through your studies, then the stress and pressure of the working world certainly won't make it any better later on.