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[venomousSSërpent74]

I think im apart of the reason my online friend may have just died and i mean i dont know if their gone or not yet but the last words they said to me makes me think they did.i may have just met them but out of all the people i've met in my life and know now this is the first time i've felt connected to someone or felt comfortable actually being myself since the 1st two friends i had through childhood before things messed up.and this is an intresting turn of events because after having left my ex recently this month without saying a word but goodbye he had added me on discord responding and making sure not to be emotionally connected because i no longer was there was to much "i'll change and i'll tries" i just wanted to see what he wanted and had to say i was also testing him without saying much of anything don't worry hes already reblocked do to possible events with my friend and i rlly dont need him to be try to get my emotions back he said "i just wanted a break to understand eachother better but you just dipped on me and blocked me on everything i seen his messages from days i had been gone he had also said "i missed talking to you" , "i always wanted to be with you" he always showed otherwise and continued to lack communication and be hot and cold even with him saying he would change and i stayed in that shit for 2 months hoping for something different.

But with all the nonsense with my ex and the possible heartbreaking events with my friend this is the last straw i was already numb all day now im starting to feel again taking in the possibilities of shit.it's unfortunate how it feels like im unable to accomplish CTB still do to still not having a job and having limited options along with friends and family bugging me about getting help.
even just random people online trying to get me to stay like you don't understand i no longer want help and I could get pushed over the edge anyday and honestly i dont care how anyone feels about and i know its selfish of me but i just want to leave, im sick of feeling the way i feel and pretending to try for nothing in life and with people either way i know deep down that pain will always be there all that shit i do is only a distraction i'm not fucking happy at all.but someday hopefully i can get out of here if nothing changes hope everyones doing at least decent or better than i am.