Venting 11.5 years of suicidal ideation and its not going to get better

[birdofafeather]

I honestly am so tired of trying to CTB and constantly failing. Usually I don't try hard enough because I'm scared of being injured for life or being locked up in a psych ward. But the one time I ended up in the hospital, they did nothing. They just said I'm doing okay and me trying to CTB was a one off so I don't need further help or resources.
I'm not going to get resources. They'll find a way to blame it on my autism and won't give me anything. So I just want out.
How do I get out of this without failing? How do I finally commit to CTB? How can I get out of this mental hell?

 

[hellispink]

I have been on this 12 years, I know. It is so painful indeed to be in a world where no one understands anything. There is lot of information here in case you need it.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it sounds so horrific failing ctb, we really shouldn't have to suffer so much to finally leave this hellish world and the option of a reliable exit is certainly what we deserve. It's just unfair how we were so selfishly forced into this world yet are denied ways to ctb, and I believe that if I had a good answer to the questions, I would already be gone at this point.

 

[birdofafeather]

To me it sounds so horrific failing ctb, we really shouldn't have to suffer so much to finally leave this hellish world and the option of a reliable exit is certainly what we deserve. It's just unfair how we were so selfishly forced into this world yet are denied ways to ctb, and I believe that if I had a good answer to the questions, I would already be gone at this point.

Yeah, I'm with you. The worst part is, I just have to go back to living, pretending that nothing happened the next day, but I'm just sitting there, barely functioning
I just want out.