goodoldnoname923
Wanting to find peace
- Mar 28, 2024
- 832
there have been times these last few months,looking back at old messages with kimchi…a night were the thoughts of self hatred guilt and regret became too much litary walked out my parents mid night to grab my knife to slit my throat…oh and the time i found out blue was dating that guy and she hated me guts firmly
And i believe there has been 1 or 2 more times that really drove me over the each but without a real out all i really faced was failure sadly
I guess this sorta boils down to the "i wish i har joined/known about SS sooner"
As for the old messages one I wasn't but for the overwhelming thoughts and encounter thing i was
It's weird wishing i had a real method back then,if i did it's basically certain i'd be gone now with SI being numbed and any hope being fully absent like the partial hanging i had now,or even the full CO setup i'm capable of now…is it a gun or N no but it was certainly more possible than the bag and throat slitting…yet people see hope in me that i can't always see yet i feel this endless pain toture self hatred anger guilt regret and more…will i ever really recover if I can't let her go
I go back to January and February were i was going to the park around or past midnight trying to find a tree to hang from when in reality if i had joined SS as far back as then or even just considered and researched partial hanging when i joined I could've been gone ages ago and retroactively i hate myself for that…I could've been fucking gone now here we are when my strength is weaker and fear is stronger
Like i'm on a knifes edge…i can't see myself going forward or being happy without her…but then i feel something that is stopping me from going is it fear of death…is it worry about her…is it the guilt of leaving others behind…is it the hope of others…what is it?
And i believe there has been 1 or 2 more times that really drove me over the each but without a real out all i really faced was failure sadly
I guess this sorta boils down to the "i wish i har joined/known about SS sooner"
As for the old messages one I wasn't but for the overwhelming thoughts and encounter thing i was
It's weird wishing i had a real method back then,if i did it's basically certain i'd be gone now with SI being numbed and any hope being fully absent like the partial hanging i had now,or even the full CO setup i'm capable of now…is it a gun or N no but it was certainly more possible than the bag and throat slitting…yet people see hope in me that i can't always see yet i feel this endless pain toture self hatred anger guilt regret and more…will i ever really recover if I can't let her go
I go back to January and February were i was going to the park around or past midnight trying to find a tree to hang from when in reality if i had joined SS as far back as then or even just considered and researched partial hanging when i joined I could've been gone ages ago and retroactively i hate myself for that…I could've been fucking gone now here we are when my strength is weaker and fear is stronger
Like i'm on a knifes edge…i can't see myself going forward or being happy without her…but then i feel something that is stopping me from going is it fear of death…is it worry about her…is it the guilt of leaving others behind…is it the hope of others…what is it?
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