gardenofaphrodite
Can’t catch a break no matter what I do.
- Apr 12, 2023
- 142
I'm doing better in so many aspects of my life, I have a decent job again, I have income, I have a car again, my partner seems happier with me, my mom is off my ass after a long talk with her; I should feel better.
I don't.
I don't know why, idk what triggered it again, but I'm slipping into a depressive episode again & it feels really fucking bad this time round. I've been doing so good, I've been trying so hard to do better, be better, feel better - & I don't.
My body image is worsening, I'm moving more, eating less, but gaining weight, I hate it. My partner never says anything about if I look pretty or anything anymore - when I have days where I just blatantly say I'm having a bad self-image day, he just says "sorry" & nothing else.
Our 1yr anniversary was last week. I paid for almost everything, I put so much fucking effort into everything, I got him a lil gift bag & I wrote an extensive note in a really pretty card - all I asked for was at least flowers. He couldn't even do that without me having to show him which ones, & I almost had to take him to get them. I paid for our food, arcade stuff, everything. The gas, food, drinks, snacks, card for the arcade, everything. We agreed to splitting everything & had planned weeks in advance, I told him to save & he didn't.
I felt so empty that day, all day. We cooked breakfast that morning & it felt like I did all of it, even the cleanup - he was supposed to make me breakfast, he kept saying he would. I made almost all of it, & I cleaned it all up. The drive felt depressing, such little talking, all he wanted to do is sleep. Skip some, we get to the arcade & I pay for way more than I had thought or planned to, I'm still pissed off.
He kept asking if I was having a good day & I just lied, I said yes, cause wtf else should I do? I didn't want to ruin the day. That whole time I felt so empty, when we played bowling & pool he made it uncomfortably competitive & got pissy when I beat him at pool 3x. When he won bowling he just rubbed it in when I was just trying to have fun, even in pool, I just wanted to have fun, I didn't care if I won or lost, I just wanted to enjoy time together away from everything. By the end of the arcade outing we headed home, he slept of course after drinking & getting high, because I'm always the sober driver even if I really didn't want to be this time, I was. That whole drive home was so empty.
Today I've been trying really hard to appreciate other things he's done but most is bare minimum. I feel really weird, I don't know what to do, I love him, I work with his sister, & his mom works near our department - he's having issues with his family over a money-dispute, he lives with me & my family.
He's being really careless with his money & I'm not even sure what the plans are for moving out again, I don't even know what I want. I feel like I have to beg to receive bare minimum shit. I put in so much effort into our relationship it's starting to feel one-sided.
Before I get into it, I'm poly, & for me personally, I don't really feel jealousy in romantic relationships much, I wish I did, it woulda saved some heartbreak in previous relationships, but it takes a lot for me to get jealous in that aspect. My partner has a best friend, who is a girl, who I know vaguely. He's had feelings for her, & a long time ago me & him broke it off for a few days because I was struggling mentally & was scared of jumping into a relationship - we got back together, but I found out later he tried to get with that friend again (he's liked her previously, but she had no interest).
They talk more than we talk. He talks about her all the time, if she calls, no matter what, he answers. He kept saying on our anniversary he wouldn't talk to anyone that day, & I did the same. That morning, she calls, he immediately answers. I got really inwardly upset, I didn't show any outward emotion, but inside I was a little hurt. I've called him before where he "doesn't hear" his phone, & have called over & over & over & he doesn't answer, but if it's her, he does.
I'm starting to feel like I was the second choice & I'm not sure how to confront him on it. I'm not the type to invade one's privacy, I won't go through his phone, it's just a respect thing for me & I wouldn't like it if it were done to me. With her though, I really want to look at his messages with her sometimes. It really fucking bothers me, & I've told him it does & he just says they're friends, it's not weird, etc. answering the phone while you're pissing & talking to her isn't weird? I bet if I pulled that shit he would be upset.
I'm starting to rethink everything, regretting some decisions, but I still love him - I just don't know what to do.
I love so easily, & when I do I fall hard for people, & I never know when things should stop. I'm feeling like if the problems we're continuing to have don't change, I'm gonna have to break it off. Only problem is, I have no purpose in life if that's the case.
I would have no reason to live anymore, no reason to try, no reason for anything. All the close friends I've had don't talk to me now or have friends they're closer with - I'm second choice. My family would be okay without me, & probably better off. I'm not really sure what to do anymore, I keep trying to fix my life, I have tried so much, but I always fall into my depression & it always makes me take a step back & realize I am my own problem & I surround myself with problem-people. I feel so guilty getting attached & letting them get attached that I let the poor treatment & behaviors continue. I don't know how to stop my own behaviors, let alone getting away from other's.
I feel like I will never be healthy, I will never be content, I will never have someone put in effort like I do, I'll always be second-choice for people. I'll never be someone's best-anything, or mean something to someone truly. I'll always be something to use until they're done with me, whether it be to vent to me, use me for rides, money, sex, etc. I'm just an object to so many people, I'm so tired of being used & abused by everyone around me. I don't even know how to stop it anymore. I keep trying so hard to be better, to stop my behaviors that are similar to my mother's, to try to make sure my siblings are doing better than me.
I am nothing, I will always be nothing, & I mean nothing, to no one, I never will. I just want to be loved, unconditionally, but I can't even have that from my own mother or father or siblings or partner or anyone. Why am I so hard to be around, why do I have to be someone to use, I just want to be a person, to he treated like a person - I just want to be seen so badly, but I know it will never happen. I still want to die, & I don't think I'll get better no matter how hard I keep trying.
I wanna die, I just don't know if I can yet. I hate myself & I hate my life, I've always been this way, why would anything change?
I don't.
I don't know why, idk what triggered it again, but I'm slipping into a depressive episode again & it feels really fucking bad this time round. I've been doing so good, I've been trying so hard to do better, be better, feel better - & I don't.
My body image is worsening, I'm moving more, eating less, but gaining weight, I hate it. My partner never says anything about if I look pretty or anything anymore - when I have days where I just blatantly say I'm having a bad self-image day, he just says "sorry" & nothing else.
Our 1yr anniversary was last week. I paid for almost everything, I put so much fucking effort into everything, I got him a lil gift bag & I wrote an extensive note in a really pretty card - all I asked for was at least flowers. He couldn't even do that without me having to show him which ones, & I almost had to take him to get them. I paid for our food, arcade stuff, everything. The gas, food, drinks, snacks, card for the arcade, everything. We agreed to splitting everything & had planned weeks in advance, I told him to save & he didn't.
I felt so empty that day, all day. We cooked breakfast that morning & it felt like I did all of it, even the cleanup - he was supposed to make me breakfast, he kept saying he would. I made almost all of it, & I cleaned it all up. The drive felt depressing, such little talking, all he wanted to do is sleep. Skip some, we get to the arcade & I pay for way more than I had thought or planned to, I'm still pissed off.
He kept asking if I was having a good day & I just lied, I said yes, cause wtf else should I do? I didn't want to ruin the day. That whole time I felt so empty, when we played bowling & pool he made it uncomfortably competitive & got pissy when I beat him at pool 3x. When he won bowling he just rubbed it in when I was just trying to have fun, even in pool, I just wanted to have fun, I didn't care if I won or lost, I just wanted to enjoy time together away from everything. By the end of the arcade outing we headed home, he slept of course after drinking & getting high, because I'm always the sober driver even if I really didn't want to be this time, I was. That whole drive home was so empty.
Today I've been trying really hard to appreciate other things he's done but most is bare minimum. I feel really weird, I don't know what to do, I love him, I work with his sister, & his mom works near our department - he's having issues with his family over a money-dispute, he lives with me & my family.
He's being really careless with his money & I'm not even sure what the plans are for moving out again, I don't even know what I want. I feel like I have to beg to receive bare minimum shit. I put in so much effort into our relationship it's starting to feel one-sided.
Before I get into it, I'm poly, & for me personally, I don't really feel jealousy in romantic relationships much, I wish I did, it woulda saved some heartbreak in previous relationships, but it takes a lot for me to get jealous in that aspect. My partner has a best friend, who is a girl, who I know vaguely. He's had feelings for her, & a long time ago me & him broke it off for a few days because I was struggling mentally & was scared of jumping into a relationship - we got back together, but I found out later he tried to get with that friend again (he's liked her previously, but she had no interest).
They talk more than we talk. He talks about her all the time, if she calls, no matter what, he answers. He kept saying on our anniversary he wouldn't talk to anyone that day, & I did the same. That morning, she calls, he immediately answers. I got really inwardly upset, I didn't show any outward emotion, but inside I was a little hurt. I've called him before where he "doesn't hear" his phone, & have called over & over & over & he doesn't answer, but if it's her, he does.
I'm starting to feel like I was the second choice & I'm not sure how to confront him on it. I'm not the type to invade one's privacy, I won't go through his phone, it's just a respect thing for me & I wouldn't like it if it were done to me. With her though, I really want to look at his messages with her sometimes. It really fucking bothers me, & I've told him it does & he just says they're friends, it's not weird, etc. answering the phone while you're pissing & talking to her isn't weird? I bet if I pulled that shit he would be upset.
I'm starting to rethink everything, regretting some decisions, but I still love him - I just don't know what to do.
I love so easily, & when I do I fall hard for people, & I never know when things should stop. I'm feeling like if the problems we're continuing to have don't change, I'm gonna have to break it off. Only problem is, I have no purpose in life if that's the case.
I would have no reason to live anymore, no reason to try, no reason for anything. All the close friends I've had don't talk to me now or have friends they're closer with - I'm second choice. My family would be okay without me, & probably better off. I'm not really sure what to do anymore, I keep trying to fix my life, I have tried so much, but I always fall into my depression & it always makes me take a step back & realize I am my own problem & I surround myself with problem-people. I feel so guilty getting attached & letting them get attached that I let the poor treatment & behaviors continue. I don't know how to stop my own behaviors, let alone getting away from other's.
I feel like I will never be healthy, I will never be content, I will never have someone put in effort like I do, I'll always be second-choice for people. I'll never be someone's best-anything, or mean something to someone truly. I'll always be something to use until they're done with me, whether it be to vent to me, use me for rides, money, sex, etc. I'm just an object to so many people, I'm so tired of being used & abused by everyone around me. I don't even know how to stop it anymore. I keep trying so hard to be better, to stop my behaviors that are similar to my mother's, to try to make sure my siblings are doing better than me.
I am nothing, I will always be nothing, & I mean nothing, to no one, I never will. I just want to be loved, unconditionally, but I can't even have that from my own mother or father or siblings or partner or anyone. Why am I so hard to be around, why do I have to be someone to use, I just want to be a person, to he treated like a person - I just want to be seen so badly, but I know it will never happen. I still want to die, & I don't think I'll get better no matter how hard I keep trying.
I wanna die, I just don't know if I can yet. I hate myself & I hate my life, I've always been this way, why would anything change?
